So, about a year ago today my cuckoo banana of a roommate Erin and I were bored out of our skulls. That brought up that crappy movie, The Skulls, which we both saw in the theater. We both agreed that Paul Walker is a terrible actor, but he’s sexy as hell. Naturally, this inspired us to Google naked pictures of Walker, as well as other hunky celebs. As we were ogling, we started to discuss the worst movies we’ve ever seen in the theater. Yea, this blog is going to be ridiculous. I’m going to Portland tomorrow (put a bird on it!) and I didn’t have time to catch a new Indie, so here you go.
1.) When I was the ripe old age of ten, I dragged my mother to go see the movie Super Mario Bros. Being the ignoramus that I was, I thought it was going to be just as enjoyable as my favorite video game. It was not, as I’m sure most of you know. That movie is like a bad acid trip. Why was loveable Yoshi a monster? That movie should have never got the green light as soon as John Lequizamo signed on the play Luigi. Boo Hiss! I thought my mom was going to punch me in the ear for that one (not really, but I would have punched ten year old me).
Still sifting through naked celebrities, Erin and I stumbled upon Scott Caan’s balls. Pretty big balls for a wee man (I think he’s like 5’5). This brings us to number two, Varsity Blues.
2.) All the teen heartthrobs were in Varsity Blues: James Van Der Beek, Paul Walker (he's pretty much a shitty movie staple) and Scott “tea bag” Caan. I thought that was the best movie I had ever seen in my life (I was fifteen, give me a break). Re-watching that movie as an adult is a nightmare. I’d rather do naked jumping jacks on an L platform then have to listen to the dialogue of Texas teens brimming with angst. Blech.
I have to throw a load of laundry in, so Erin is going to take over for number three. That hussy has seen more shitty movies then me. Take it away!
3.) Wow, thanks, Mar! It’s an honor to be part of this project. So for real, I’ve seen some totally bullshit movies. I blame a majority of that on the fact that my shameful hometown of Joliet still had a drive-in and I a fairly promiscuous teenager. The drive-in was a magical place full of playful mischief and young love. Just kidding, that place was a crime-ridden dump. I spent my formidable years smoking joints and making out with my boyfriend (and some other people’s boyfriends) under a White Sox blanket on a lawn chair. I caught some major hits like Jurassic Park II, Rush Hour II and Dr. Dolittle II. I promise I didn’t laugh a single time during these cinematic tragedies (those weren't comedies, were they?), but my high school boyfriend will tell you that I made a lot of progress with my hand job abilities. Overall, it was pretty good summer. I miss that guy. I should Facebook him....
Ok, back from the laundry room. Good Lord, Erin! Ha, I’m glad were friends. Anyhoo, have you ever seen Chris O’Donnell naked? We have! Well, sort of. You catch some side peen then you get re-directed to gay porn. As much as I love that adorable son of a bitch, I can’t forget how terrible Batman & Robin was. Yes, I saw that gem in the theater too.
4.) Ok, I think most of us got conned into seeing the hot piece of garbage that is Batman & Robin. I loved everything about Batman Forever, so I was as excited as a cocker spaniel when I heard that there was a new Batman movie out. Despite the terrible reviews, I was hell-bent on going. My mother was on strike from escorting me to a plethora of shit movies, so I begged my brother Steve to take me. Nope, he dissed me for a game of hacky-sack in the woods with his stoner friends. Hindsight’s a bitch and he made the right move. My wonderful cousin Gina volunteered to escort me (which reminds me, I need to buy her something nice next time I see her). I’m still a little angry about that experience. I feel it’s appropriate that everybody involved in that project should apologize to anyone with a set of eyeballs.
There is a tie between the two worst movies I’ve ever seen in the theater. I’ll give you a hint; One stars a black guy in a fat suit and the other, a bloated, botoxed, potato-faced dud.
You're right! It's Eddie Murphy and Nicolas Cage! Erin and I had absolutely zero desire to see either one of them in the nude (not that it would have mattered because Erin’s computer started melting by the time I mentioned these. Is that what happens when you don’t install an anti-virus protector and Google dick pics of celebrities? Who knew?!?). When I told Erin that I paid money to see these two movies, she laughed so her squirrel cheeks popped her lens out of her glasses. Hot dog, we have a wiener!
5.) Drum roll please! Norbit and Ghost Rider. Yes, I saw both of these disasters in the theater. Let me explain my reasoning. Fooled by the trickery of editing, the previews for Norbit seemed promising. I thought it was going to jump start Murphy’s career (I’m such a mook). That movie was like getting punched in the boob.
I was super hungover when I made the brilliant decision to see Ghost Rider (double mook). I thought the special effects were going to be mind-blowing. They were, I guess, but watching the Razzi award-worthy acting performance of Nicholas Cage and Eva Mendez made my hangover that much worse. I wanted to throw up in my purse, but I spent my last ten bucks on that cinematic skid-mark so I stuck it out.
So yes, I’ve made some poor choices in picking out movies. We all make bad decisions from time to time. Hell, you chose to read my blog this week. By the way Erin’s computer crashed that night and she still doesn’t have a new one. Oops.
On a different note, I feel it’s my duty to inform you all that the Chicago United Film Festival is here at the Music Box! Through September 22nd-27th there will be a ton of awesome films to choose from. Sad I’ll miss it but excited for Portland. Here’s the schedule, now time to pack! Enjoy! http://www.theunitedfest.com/chicago/schedule/
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