(1.) You find out your girlfriend gained 10 pounds.
How to Solve it: First, don't panic, it's never good to panic during an emergency. Keep your composure. Also, stop looking at her gigantic and elephantine butt. This will be exceedingly difficult considering her butt has noticeably expanded in just a 48-hour window. Tell her you still love her figure even though you're lying. Finally, and most importantly, suggest to her that you BOTH need to go extra hard at the gym next week and make sure she follows through.
(2.) You realize you're white.
How to Solve it: Did you notice that curling sensation in your stomach? No that's not the day-old corn bread stuffing, that's the realization that you just celebrated a holiday many Native Americans view as the pillaging of their ancestral homeland. The main way to solve this problem is not to worry about it too much, after all you're white, so it's all good until Black History Month comes in February.
(3.) You feel an urge to make love to every MILF you pass in Woodfield Mall.
How to Solve it: Make love to a MILF from Woodfield Mall. However, instead of simply making love to her, you also film it on your iPhone, and post it on a MILF website to attract more MILFs from the surrounding suburbs.
(4.) You start to imagine how the family dog may taste roasted with gravy.
How to Solve it: See number (3.)
(5.) You find yourself on ChicagoNow when you should be spending more time with family.
How to Solve it: This is one problem you should probably just accept. But instead of solely looking at ChicagoNow, also take the time to look at some MILF sites and search for videos which may have been filmed in or around Woodfield Mall.