Like a delirious and psychopathic slore wearing the blue garments of the Virgin Mary, Groupon has firmly cemented itself as the muddy fountainhead of categorical perversion in our city.
In its unholy, maniacal, and near-pornographic quest to position itself as a faux Chicago icon, Groupon has purposely infected two beloved and well-established city icons in its bizarre and disgraceful whoring of Ferris Bueller's Day Off in Wrigley Field on October 1st.
Ferris Bueller stood for the angelic concept of being free in a world of adult and societal suppression.
The legendary 80's film shot around Chicago illustrated the untamed liberty which can only be found in the last gasp of youth, the last week of high school, before college and the real world, when corporate greed finally extinguishes the last vestiges of childhood.
By demanding up to $75 dollars in American currency during a recession, the misguided decision-makers at Groupon essentially take a colossal bukkake on Ferris Bueller's youthful concept of liberty and hold it in contempt.
Simultaneously, Groupon transforms the sacred grass of Wrigley Field into a cheap rug, or worse, an expensive rug in a Groupon conference room.
Groupon does all this without shame. Indeed, it does so with utter glee, and with seemingly no regrets for exposing its penis envy to all things cherished in this great city.
Groupon likes doing deals of the day.
To Groupon, I say try doing this deal: Make Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at Wrigley Field free for all.
Make it first come, first serve.
Make it a gift to the people of Chicago.
Can you hear me Groupon...Groupon?...Groupon?...Groupon?
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