Mayor Emanuel's War on Meatheads

A veteran Chicago political journalist recently stated:

"Emanuel is trying to kill off the city's meathead image. The fact that Chicago elected  a ballet dancer is proof in itself the city no longer sees itself that way" (emphasis added).

These words foreshadow a menacing future for all Meatheads in Chicago, and to a lesser extent, for all the petite women Meatheads like to carry as weights.

Meatheads have not been threatened in this city for generations. The last recorded event of anti-Meathead violence occurred when Potawatomi Indians threatened all the soldiers getting white-boy wasted in Fort Dearborn. Since then, Meatheads have ruled this town with impunity.

However, as in most "wars," there is a paradox with this one.

Meatheads can only be threatened by other Meatheads. This is usually done through a nauseating comparison of creatine-produced muscle mass and abrupt tan lines. On the other hand, Meatheads instinctively ignore non-Meatheads, unless a non-Meathead is related to a smoking hot coed who is also double-jointed, flexible, and/or majoring in kinesiology.

The veteran Chicago political journalist quoted above seems to view Mayor Emanuel simply as a non-Meathead.

"I do really love the art form," Mayor Emanuel said in describing ballet. The mayor continued, "[y]ou have music; geometry, in the sense of space; you have the interpretation through your body of music; and you have a concept. I love dance as an art form."

Meatheads don't talk like this.

Certainly then, as the journalist assumed, Mayor Emanuel is a non-Meathead.


Mayor Emanuel is exceedingly more complicated than a simple analysis. He is a paradox. He is a contradiction. He can drop F-bombs and grab ass while at the same time completing a perfect arabesque. Like an ungodly amalgamation between Thomas Leroy from Black Swan and Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino, Mayor Emanuel provides the most unsuspecting and paramount threat that the WORLD of MEATHEADOM has ever faced: A fellow Meathead who can also dance ballet.

In mathematical terms:

Meathead + Ballet = Destruction of all other Meatheads.

As a Meathead, Mayor Emanuel must eliminate other Meatheads in order to expunge the primordial threat that has existed between Meatheads. Like Siamese Fighting Fish, only one must survive.

In his position as mayor, he now has the power to promulgate his war against Meatheads through the guise of ballet and dance. Moreover, he is not abashed to bring in the specter of religion into play:

"It’s not an accident that in the Bible, God says, ‘I have piped music unto thee, and thee have not danced...It’s one of the rare art forms God embraces.”

The fatwa and crusade against Meatheads will bear fruit slowly yet steadily. Meatheads may notice an increase in police stops. Gyms and weight rooms around the city may be raided. Tanning lotions may be taken off the shelves. AXE grooming products will be completely banned (I hope this happens regardless of Meatheads).

Thus, I beseech all Meatheads in the city to unite under one flag and on that flag there will be a picture of Kristin Cavallari lifting 5 pound weights. Failure to do so will leave you, and the petite attractive women you lift over your head, in grave peril.




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  • Depends on the definition of meathead. Surely it isn't the Archie Bunker one (in the sense of Michael Stivic being a meatheaded Polak). Maybe it refers to Archie. Projection, you know.

  • In reply to jack:

    It first starts with the meatheads, then fratboys, then old rich men in the viagra triangle, then nurses, then doctors....when will it stop Jack?! We have to draw a line somewhere.

  • this is the greatest article ever written. omg i love you.


    PS- I hate that comment profiles don't lead you to peoples' blogs because I keep forgetting how to find you. Boo.


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