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Hi, welcome.

People who cannot count to 10 are prohibited from reading this blog. You passed.

Below are some other preliminary regulations which you don't have to follow:

  • If you leave a comment, you consent to being praised, ridiculed, worshipped, copied, quoted, mischaracterized, hit on, stalked, laughed at, adored, propositioned, respected, and/or ignored. I may also report you to immigration officials.


  • Feel free to leave comments in different languages; ancient Aramaic will get big brownie points. Leaving comments in pre-Columbian Mayan will only be allowed until next year.


  • Comments must be intelligent. Replies to comments must be ingenious. Replies to replies to comments must include a Youtube clip from “Saved by the Bell."


  • Speed reading is not allowed here. If I catch you speed reading, I will shoot you with a giant panda gun (i.e., a giant gun that fires giant pandas). Pandas are cute, but also very painful when shot toward your pelvis. Test me.


  • This blog will make the most sense if you read sentences from left-to-right. If you read sentences from right-to-left, and have gotten this far, I'm impressed. If you read this blog diagonally, you're probably not human; more likely, you're a malicious tracking software inserted by Jimmy Greenfield to track how many times I use the term "MILF."


  • If you read this blog and feel your eyes are getting tired, just picture me riding a centaur in a field of sunflowers and daisies.



[I dedicate this empty space to my ex-girlfriend]



  • If you ever read this blog and a flash flood occurs, just think of the water as my swagger surrounding you and your home; if you drown, sorry.


  • To all the attractive MILFs on ChicagoNow, feel free to mentally envision oil wrestling with me. If you are unattractive, feel free to mentally envision oil wrestling with Jimmy Greenfield.


  • This is how seven fruit flies look like standing in a row    ' ' ' ' ' ' '


  • This is how seven fruit flies look like planking in a row    - - - - - - -


  • Next time you're on a date with a hot chick, draw an illustration about the fruit flies for her on a napkin. She will laugh and you will get laid. When you're making love, ask her to yell out "gwill!" just once. If she says no or acts all weird, dump her.


  • To anybody who uses the phrase, "shout-outs," or feels the urge to give a "shout-out" to someone, please position your pelvis in front of a giant panda gun and pull the trigger.


Now, I'd like to give some shout-outs:

To the guys at Da Bears Blog (mb, gp, crown, irish, waffle, jeff and the rest of the yutes): Come early, come often, bring beer and college women.

To the guys at Lists That Actually Matter: Based on your superb writing skills, I hope you guys pull supermodels every weekend. If I ever meet you guys at a ChicagoNow party and you walk in with 6's, rather than supermodels, I will eat my own vomit.

To the guys at Offhanded Dribble: I am entertained by your writings.  However, if I ever meet you guys, particularly Steve, at a ChicagoNow party and you walk in with supermodels, rather than 6's, I will eat my own vomit.

To Jenna from High Gloss and Sauce:  Must say, this got me laid. Thanks.

To Nicole at Moms Who Drink and Swear: Remember those days when I used to get yelled at by you and like 30 of your supporters after leaving douchebagatory comments? I deserved it, even though I was probably on hashish oil. Well, I became a supporter to over the past year.

To Kim from A City Mom: If I ever fly in one of your 767s, feel free to encourage the attractive flight attendants to buckle me in...repeatedly and forcibly.

To the 'stache at Publius Forum (no, not you Warner Todd Huston, I’m just talking to your 'stache), if I was not a straight man, I would pursue a night of good-natured frivolity with you (Again, I’m not talking to you Warner, I’m talking to your 'stache, leave us alone!).

There are many other blogs I wanted to mention, but I already surpassed my 3 word limit a long time ago; there are always future posts I guess.



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  • That was great....just great....but I'd expect nothing less from you my friend.

    Thanks for the shout out btw....I think I'm now at risk for a giant panda attack or something...or getting shot by a gun. I "sped read" sorry.

    Seriously-thanks, and you of course are on our link page now as well.

    I look forward to the continued laughs you'll be providing.


  • In reply to koolking83:

    Kool King- I agree totally. So here is my requisite Saved By The Bell link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KO73-WlOHhM

    GWill- Welcome aboard, man. Thanks for having faith in LTAM author's women-attracting prowess.

  • G-willikers ... well straddle my pony and diddle my sister ... the boy done good ! I totally counted to ten! I rock. Some random thoughts that are also true :

    Seeing 'saved by the bell' made me think of Elizabeth Berkley and then I felt a little sad because I wasn't in the pool with her in 'Showgirls'. It should have been me. Then it made me think of prostitutes and how I could expedite the scene in reality {having the desirous thought is - as we speak - causing my brain to lay down circuitry to make that scenario happen one day - isn't life great!}

    Next thread - Can you do -' What's this ..?' And then the answer is 'A mexican ...' When it's just a circle with a dot in the middle, and then draw 'What's this ..?' And it's 'A Mexican riding a bike.' They're funny.

    Does the fruit fly thing work on actual non-prostitutes? I like making prostitutes laugh, but there's no pressure cos you're getting laid anyway, even if you're all Andrew Dice Clay, y'know?

    There's no such thing as Giant Panda guns. That's crazy talk ...right?

    MWAH! Check out Berkley's face when they all shout out "There's no hope with dope!" She's like "I just ttotes had the head of NBC snort a line off my rack!"

  • In reply to IrishSweetness:

    irish, your suggestion for the next thread is under serious consideration.

  • In reply to gwill:

    Ya know what mang, this looks like a great place for a Federal Reserve rant. It must have been at leat 24 hours now ...

  • I love how you are a regular fixture on the MILF blogs. Prosperity to you!

  • Welcome Aboard, gwill. (get it? It's airline talk.)
    Excellent first post! Congratulations.
    "I'm so excited" you're here, I don't need drugs...http://youtu.be/ljtuGoIIKGs

  • Welcome Aboard, gwill! Excellent first post. Congratulations.
    "I'm so excited" you're here. http://youtu.be/ljtuGoIIKGs

  • Gwilly -

    Love the shoutout, can't wait to read what random randomness you spew in a blog format. Also, walking in with a 6 is stretching for me let alone a supermodel. Hell, i'd probably come alone to a chicagonow outing and get lost on the way anyways.

    Congratulations by the way on wasting the last hour of my workday on this post and having me try to sketch a 'panda gun'.

  • Gwill, you got your own blog while I was on vacation and I JUST NOT found it! Will definitely be following.

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