People who cannot count to 10 are prohibited from reading this blog. You passed.
Below are some other preliminary regulations which you don't have to follow:
- If you leave a comment, you consent to being praised, ridiculed, worshipped, copied, quoted, mischaracterized, hit on, stalked, laughed at, adored, propositioned, respected, and/or ignored. I may also report you to immigration officials.
- Feel free to leave comments in different languages; ancient Aramaic will get big brownie points. Leaving comments in pre-Columbian Mayan will only be allowed until next year.
- Comments must be intelligent. Replies to comments must be ingenious. Replies to replies to comments must include a Youtube clip from “Saved by the Bell."
- Speed reading is not allowed here. If I catch you speed reading, I will shoot you with a giant panda gun (i.e., a giant gun that fires giant pandas). Pandas are cute, but also very painful when shot toward your pelvis. Test me.
- This blog will make the most sense if you read sentences from left-to-right. If you read sentences from right-to-left, and have gotten this far, I'm impressed. If you read this blog diagonally, you're probably not human; more likely, you're a malicious tracking software inserted by Jimmy Greenfield to track how many times I use the term "MILF."
- If you read this blog and feel your eyes are getting tired, just picture me riding a centaur in a field of sunflowers and daisies.
[I dedicate this empty space to my ex-girlfriend]
- If you ever read this blog and a flash flood occurs, just think of the water as my swagger surrounding you and your home; if you drown, sorry.
- To all the attractive MILFs on ChicagoNow, feel free to mentally envision oil wrestling with me. If you are unattractive, feel free to mentally envision oil wrestling with Jimmy Greenfield.
- This is how seven fruit flies look like standing in a row ' ' ' ' ' ' '
- This is how seven fruit flies look like planking in a row - - - - - - -
- Next time you're on a date with a hot chick, draw an illustration about the fruit flies for her on a napkin. She will laugh and you will get laid. When you're making love, ask her to yell out "gwill!" just once. If she says no or acts all weird, dump her.
- To anybody who uses the phrase, "shout-outs," or feels the urge to give a "shout-out" to someone, please position your pelvis in front of a giant panda gun and pull the trigger.
Now, I'd like to give some shout-outs:
To the guys at Da Bears Blog (mb, gp, crown, irish, waffle, jeff and the rest of the yutes): Come early, come often, bring beer and college women.
To the guys at Lists That Actually Matter: Based on your superb writing skills, I hope you guys pull supermodels every weekend. If I ever meet you guys at a ChicagoNow party and you walk in with 6's, rather than supermodels, I will eat my own vomit.
To the guys at Offhanded Dribble: I am entertained by your writings. However, if I ever meet you guys, particularly Steve, at a ChicagoNow party and you walk in with supermodels, rather than 6's, I will eat my own vomit.
To Nicole at Moms Who Drink and Swear: Remember those days when I used to get yelled at by you and like 30 of your supporters after leaving douchebagatory comments? I deserved it, even though I was probably on hashish oil. Well, I became a supporter to over the past year.
To Kim from A City Mom: If I ever fly in one of your 767s, feel free to encourage the attractive flight attendants to buckle me in...repeatedly and forcibly.
To the 'stache at Publius Forum (no, not you Warner Todd Huston, I’m just talking to your 'stache), if I was not a straight man, I would pursue a night of good-natured frivolity with you (Again, I’m not talking to you Warner, I’m talking to your 'stache, leave us alone!).
There are many other blogs I wanted to mention, but I already surpassed my 3 word limit a long time ago; there are always future posts I guess.
Filed under: Uncategorized