In lieu of anything new happening with the Chicago Bulls this weekend, let's laugh at some of their former players.
God invented the internet so that we could feel more closely acquainted to professional athletes. It's the reason they have online chats, it's the reason they have their own websites, it's the reason we follow them on Twitter, and it's the reason that their team contractually obligates them to humiliate themselves for the sake of a few Youtube videos. For this, we must give our eternal thanks, because God never fails to satisfy us. And nor does James Johnson.
During a Bulls game last season, a halftime segment aired that showed Joakim Noah, Derrick Rose, Tyrus Thomas and Luol Deng participating in a 'Name That Tune' style challenge. The four players paired up, and one player had to sing whatever tune was playing in his headphones, with the other player charged with guessing which song it was that they were butchering. The hot blonde's job was to guess which team won.
The whole debacle was caught on camera.
A closer inspection reveals that this wasn't the first Bulls players karaoke segment of the season. Three other officially licensed videos exist, showing the same players (as well as Kirk Hinrich, Aaron Gray, and the now-departed Drew Gooden and Thabo Sefolosha) taking part in a singalong to various TV theme tunes. The tunes themselves range from seminal to forgettable, yet the Bulls players ensure that they are, to a man, bludgeoned.
If anyone emerges from that debacle with any pride, it might be Drew Gooden. Gooden - whom we already know to be always up for a tinkle - demonstrates, if nothing else, a semblance of a sense of rhythm and a personality (although he does appear to struggle with the difference between a saxophone and a piccolo). Hinrich continues his galvanising makeover from the shy and retiring elfin-like creature of his rookie year to the matured and forthcoming comedy god that he is today. Tyrus Thomas sings like he plays (with plenty of enthusiasm yet little to show for it), as does Aaron Gray (who is so very, very slow). Most worryingly of all, Derrick Rose seems to sing in the same way that he talks - in a monotoned unrelenting B flat that never shows any signs of breaking out into a fit of inflection or interest. Give me another half hour of Gooden, instead. Thanks.
However, if you thought that the other former Bulls starlet Ben Gordon had gotten lucky and avoided it all, then despair not.
Despite the fact that those videos were probably made during Gordon's entirely awkward contract negotiations, Ben has been seen to have brought the noise before. In this first video, Ben is caught chiming in with a vital contribution to the seminal Chicago Bears theme song, "Bear Down Chicago Bears".
And in this second video, Ben does what 85% of ballers feel obligated to do eventually; he stars in a rap video.
(Note: That last video appears to have been an advert for a product called Mioplex. A quick Google search reveals that Mioplex is a "male orgasm intensifier." This would explain why he felt fifty feet tall. My work here is done.)
Filed under: Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Gray, Bad Times, ben gordon, chicago bulls, derrick rose, drew gooden, Joakim Noah, kirk hinrich, Luol Deng, Orgasm Intensifiers, Soothing Dulcit Tones, thabo sefolosha, Tyrus Thomas, Youtube
I know. But that's not as funny.
i dont know which to comment on. Gordon's terrible rap, which is a little reminiscent of the superbowl shuffle or deng's terrible terrible voice. Well at least most of the bulls aren't shy, except for Rose and Gray. Where was this post during the boring times of the offsseason?
Kirk comes off best in these because he doesn't know the "Sex and the City" theme song. Any self respecting man would do the same.