One can only speculate about the state of Donald Trump's marriage, but if Melania ever kicked his bloated ass out, he would probably write her a letter and have Sean Spicer read it aloud in a press briefing. Following is that letter, as I imagine it:
From the Orifice of the President
Dear my dear,
Even though you have told me millions of times-maybe a billion-that I am the most handsome, brilliant man you ever met in person or read about and that sex with me is beyond anything you ever imagined, what with my very large penis and strong, large hands, I regret to tell you that I am divorcing you.
Also, there was that thing you did in the bathroom on the plane last summer that wasn't very nice.
I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.
P.S. Please give Sean $20 for delivering this, I didn't have any small bills in my pocket when I gave it to him.
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