It's been almost 3 years since my son was born and I'm still sore. Not literally. Figuratively. You see, every time I hear about a friend or a friend's wife having this amazing delivery experience I get a little bent out of shape.
Jealous more like it.
Because my 29 hours of labor was freaking brutal. Brutal. I say.
Now I know what you're thinking. Long before epidurals were available, woman were bearing children drug free. Some still even choose to do so. And to that I say "God bless you!"
But I had a choice. I chose drugs. And someone, a professional, fucked that up for me. Like totally missed.
And then it was too late.
I can totally say the whole birthing experience kinda sucked. It was horrible really. Because you know what, that shit hurts. Like a lot.
And interns and students all up in your coochie doesn't help either. Especially ones shouting out words of wisdom about parts of the body they don't even own. But modesty flies out the window and at that point you really don't give a hoot who sees your lady parts or the big shit you just took on the table...again.
What you do care about is the mother effing pain. The pain you specifically asked to be put out of.
So yeah, I'm still a little bitter. I'm still bitter that a doctor was elbow deep in my hoo-ha, turning my sweet boy, and the entire hospital knew he was doing just that. Because wow.
Kill. Me. Now.
And although that last push is the most exhilarating and joyous and the outcome is the most phenomenal little person ever, it still stings. Because today when I heard of yet another grand story of how she couldn't even feel her toes during labor and delivery, I'm still pissed my epidural failed.
Tell me, how awesome was your delivery??
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