So my worst fear happened on our flight from Phoenix to Chicago.
My kid dropped a load in his pants mid flight.
He was pretty stealth like about it.
He sat on the floor between my legs, quietly playing with his toys, grunting away.
At first the smell was imaginary. Do I smell shit? Naaaa. But then it became a reality.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
As the air flowed through the air vent above me, I inhaled deeply. I looked at my partner. We both realized we weren't the only ones smelling hard core poop.
The emergency ventilation masks were about to drop from the ceiling. I had to do it.
I had to change his diaper. Dear Lord, how to change a diaper on an airplane??? I didn't really think about this aspect of traveling with a toddler.
Step 1: Procrastinate as long as possible. Maybe it doesn't smell that bad.
Step 2: Kindly ask the poor gentleman in the aisle seat to please move. Not like he hasn't been bothered at all the entire flight.
Step 3: Collect diaper, wipes, and changing pad from overhead compartment.
Step 4: Collect child from father.
Step 5: Walk towards the rear of the plane carrying child. Observe looks of disgust from passengers who can also smell child.
Step 6: Wait in line for bathroom for 10 minutes while trying to prevent extremely wiggly, noisy toddler from getting down and grabbing passengers.
Step 7: Enter bathroom. Do a complete 360 in a bathroom the size of a tuna can, bang elbow twice, and realize there is no changing table. Efffff!
Step 8: Exit bathroom, sweating buckets. Ask flight attendant if there is somewhere I can change my stinky kid. "Oh, you need a changing table? This is a Boeing 7blah-blah, the changing table is located in the front of the aircraft." Great, bitch. You saw me standing in this line for 10 minutes. Did you think the diaper and wipes were reading material????
Step 9: Slowly make my way to the front of the plane while making sure my kid doesn't kick or grab anyone while carrying him.
Step 10: Wait in line for 10 more minutes.
Step11: Enter bathroom. Locate changing table equipped to the wall above the toilet. Attempt to pull table down and unfold table one handed.
Step 12: Clean previous user's child's shit from table. Seriously? Yes, seriously.
Step 13: Unfold changing mat and place freaked out child on table. Brace self and lock knees. How the hell do people have sex in theses bathrooms???? Mile high club?
You are out of your freaking mind!
Step 14: Undress child, remove diaper. Oh, holy hell......what died in you??? Did someone turn off the air in here? Is there a loss in cabin pressure? I'm going to vomit.
Step 15: Wipe poop off child's back and thighs. Scrub back of child's shirt. Fold diaper. Carefully wipe sweat from brow. Dress child.
Step 16: Return changing table to it's upright position. Carefully stand child on floor and wash hands.
Step 17: Realize I have to pee now. Squat and hold standing child between legs.
Step 18: Child grabs garbage out of the receptacle and tissues from dispenser. Ugh!!
Step 19: Strategically wipe and pull up pants. Turn to flush. Remove child from playing in toilet.
Step 20: Wash both my hand and child's. Exit lavatory 15 pounds lighter from sweating.
Step 21: Greet unhappy flight attendant holding a trash bag for my kid's diaper.
Step 22: Greet unhappy passengers waiting in line. Jeez, it's 10 people deep. How long have a been in there??
Step 23: Carry child down aisle. Lock eyes with another mom who smiles and says " I've been there, honey". Smile back, with a tear in my eye.
Step 24: Return Arizona Diamondback hat to a man 2 rows back. How the hell did he take that off that man's head???
Step 25: Return to seat. Hand child to father, who jokingly says "was it bad?"
No dude, a freaking walk in the park!
There you have it! Thinking of flying with your little one? Better prepared for the worst.
And bring hand sanitizer.
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