Motherhood is a life changing experience. No amount of reading or words of wisdom can prepare you for the ups and downs of parenthood. Everything is trial and error. You learn quickly your child's habits, likes, and dislikes. You develop a routine and try and follow it the best you can. You and your child learn from each other and for the most part, things fall into place and the first year quickly rushes by. However, there are a few things I have learned this past year that my child didn't teach me nor did any book or friendly advice prepare me for.
Ten Things I Learned My First Year As a New Mom:
1) Childbirth really does ruin your vag. It's stretched, it's ugly, and never ever look at it with a mirror. EVER!
2) You will sneeze and pee. You will cough and pee. No amount of crossing your legs will contain said pee.
3) I learned sympathy and empathy for other parents. Where I once was a judgmental bitch and scoured with an evil eye, I now pray to God it's never my kid.
4) There are two sound levels to every toy. Off and fucking kill me now.
5) Your first drink as a new mom is heaven. But said drinks there after are a no-no. Hangovers suck. Hangovers as a mom suck balls.
6) Body by baby is depressing. Dress it up and make the best of it. Sadly, it's going nowhere fast.
7) Shopping at Target is fun. Shopping at Target without your husband and child is a freaking vacation.
8) Sleep really is a figment of your imagination, a brief romance in your past. Even after your baby sleeps through the night your body is still trained not to and those god damn birds won't let you.
9) There are days a shower consists of simply changing your underwear, brushing your teeth, and refreshing your deodorant. And if you are lucky enough to take a shower, your child will always cry out for you. Sometimes it's all in your head but mostly not.
10) Relationships are tough. Having a child makes them tougher. Having a good, strong, understanding partner is key. I personally would have dumped my ass about 6 months ago.
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