So you've read all the pregnancy books and newborn magazines and you are ready for motherhood. You're psyched! You can do this! It's a cake walk! The books make it sound so glamorous and easy. Well guess what sweetie, everything looks better on paper.
1) Maternity Clothes. I know, I know, those models look awesome in that Motherhood Maternity outfit. You have to have it! Go ahead, try it on. I will get the box of tissues.
2) Registering. So you and your honey are ready to take the magical gun plunge and register for gifts for your bundle of joy. Yeah, good luck with that! There is nothing more stressful than Babies R Us. Which bottles to buy? Which monitor is better? There are how many thermometers? They go where? Strollers, car seats, bouncies...oh my!
3) Ultrasounds. Sure they are exciting but there is nothing more nerve wracking than that time period between when the technician scans you and the doctor reads it to you. Is my baby healthy? Without defects? Is it really a girl? Oh and having to drink a shit ton of water and hold a full bladder while they jab a probe on your abdomen...fun times!
4) Eating for two. Just ask Jessica Simpson. Enough said.
5 ) The baby bump is cute. Yeah, it's cute up until the time you are unable to see your hooha, shave your legs, or paint your toenails.
6) Hair and nails . Thanks to the prenatal vitamins you have a long, thick, glorious head of hair and beautifully manicured nails. Talk to me 4 weeks postpartum when you start looking like a cancer victim when all that shit starts to fall out in clumps.
7) Exercise. So you are one of them. You are going to stay fit and active your entire pregnancy. Well, god bless you! See you around month 8 when your feet are the size of a Hobbit's and tell me how that exercise regimen is going.
8) No alcohol consumption. You can do this. Umm...no you can't. Wait until your first social event in a bar or party setting. You will be more tempted than a hormonal teenager at the prom.
9) Everyone dotes on you. You can't wait for all the attention. Guess what? The moment that little beast comes out of you, they forget all about the oven and only the bun. Big deal you are torn from one end to the next and you can't take a shit. That baby is the bombdigity now.
10) Maternity Leave: I know, you can't wait for that break from work and the daily bump and grind. It will be heaven, just you and your new family. Sweetheart, be prepared to be bored out of your effing mind!!!!!
11) Gas. Some books describe it as gastrointestinal upset. Most books just all together avoid it. Honey, you will never, ever, experience gas pain like the pain you endure while pregnant and you will clear a room. Don't try to hold it in and don't be embarrassed.
12) Epidurals: They are not the cure all. You will still be in pain. A lot of it. And if your lucky it won't fail completely.
13) The bond between you and spouse will strengthen. Word of advice....don't believe everything you read. You will want to kill that man come week 3.
14) Breast feeding. It hurts, it's uncomfortable, it's not for everyone, and babies don't always cooperate. You might fail. Be prepared.
15) Sleep when baby sleeps. Oh please! You are too busy trying to play catch up while your little bunches of happiness is snoozing. And if you are lucky enough to fall asleep, it won't be peaceful as your newly trained ear is in tune to that dreaded baby monitor.
Don't believe me? Come back and revisit this 6 weeks postpartum. You can thank me then and pass this on to another expecting mom.