My recent blog Unauthorized Sharing of Deposition and Court Transcripts, Theft of Services? got me thinking back to some not-so-funny attempts by uneducated lawyers trying to obtain free transcripts from my company. So much so that I am forced to write Theft of Services, Part Deux.
Years and years ago, an attorney who shall remain nameless (although I certainly remember his name because we never forget the ass clowns) served me with a subpoena for all the transcripts in a lawsuit in which he was plaintiff's counsel.
When I telephoned him to inform him that he cannot subpoena the transcripts, his answer?
THE ASSCLOWN: It's just like any other document in litigation. For example, medical records.
THE ASSCLOWN: Really.
ME: Well, uhm, okay. I guess we'll have to see what the judge thinks.
Thankfully, the judge presiding over that case saw through this blatant attempt to steal our firm's work product.
THE COURT: Mr. Assclown, you cannot serve a subpoena on the court reporting agency forcing them to turn over their work product.
THE ASSCLOWN: But, your Honor...
(Whereupon, a truly bizarre argument that was so completely insane and inane, so circuitous that even the Court couldn't follow ensued.)
THE COURT: Motion to quash granted. Mr. Assclown, you will have to pay for your transcripts just like all parties to litigation, plain and simple.
Oh, and then there was the female attorney with an amazingly tacky, huge flower tattoo on her ankle, so gaudy and blinding that I found it distracting while reporting proceedings...
She called me one day shrieking about the cost of a transcript.
THE INKED JD: Your prices are ridiculous. Do you know how much I paid for law school? And you, what, went to some silly little program so you could learn to type transcripts? It costs me 25 cents to make copies at Kinko's. That's what a copy should cost.
ME: Wow, so you have a deep, abiding respect for my profession? A lot more goes into transcript preparation than --
THE INKED JD: You know what? I'll just get copies from opposing counsel.
Sadly for The Inked JD, she was on less-than-good terms with my client of more than 20 years, a client for whom I'd taken weekend and night depositions. Unfortunately for her, my client refused to provide her with my firm's work product...and she had to come crawling back to ask me what amount she needed to fill in on the check.
In all fairness to my lawyer friends, I do know some attorneys who are also hacked off by the behavior of uneducated attorneys trying to game the system in order to steal transcripts. So Part Deux is for the Assistant Corporation Counsel who said, "Write it [the blog], so I can attach it the next time a plaintiff's lawyer moves to compel me to produce copies of transcripts we [the City] paid for." Proving that there are some very ethical attorneys out there who actually appreciate the dedication and skill of licensed court reporters!