The Relationship Breakup List

I live in Chicago.  Anyone who lives in Chicago and loves morning talk radio while they're getting ready for work and/or commuting to their jobs listens to Eric and Kathy on WTMX 101.9.  I know I'm carbon dating myself when I say that back in the day, it was Steve Dahl and Gary Meyers.  After that, it was Brandmeier.  Today, it's Eric and Kathy.  And Melissa.  And Whip.

Why?  Because they're the antithesis of the shock jocks.  There's nothing mean-spirited about them.  They just make you laugh.  And--big AND--they seem to really get in your head, talking about hard-hitting topical topics, from The Bachelor to Dancing With The Stars, from series binging on Breaking Bad to food binging (like when Melissa binged on Nutty Bars), from annoying co-workers to annoying in-laws, from to first dates to breakups.

This morning, I woke up to one of their lists in progress, the breakup list.  In specific, they gave a list of The Top 5 Don'ts After A Breakup.

The Top 5 Don'ts After a Breakup

5 Don't torture yourself!
4 Don't be too hard on yourself.
3 Don't go too crazy "treating" yourself.
2 Don't turn into a bad friend.
1 Don't panic.

Now, as everyone who has gone through a bad breakup knows, negatives are bad--i.e., "Don't" do this or that.  Positive reinforcement is THE way to go!

So while I'm never one to disagree with Eric and Kathy, I know they'll forgive me after they read my breakup to-do list!

The Top 5 Do's After a Breakup

5 Do torture yourself...if throwing all that shit out is torture!

Is there anything worse than having to see all that crap that he gave you lying around?  I think not.  So gather up all that junk, put it in a big box (or big boxes), take it to your car and drive to your favorite Brown Elephant and DROP IT OFF!  Don't look back.  There's an expiration date on this stuff, I assure you.  If he's been gone for sufficient period of time (to be determined by you), then the reminders will serve to do nothing but piss you off.  Get rid of it.  If he calls and wants his shit back after a year (or more), give him the address of the Brown Elephant.  Maybe he'll luck out and nobody else was interested in his shit either!

4 Do be too hard on yourself.

I'm not kidding.  Raise the bar!  Look at what you had and determine that you never want any of that EVER again.  Make a list of what you really want in a relationship and never, ever settle again.  So next time you meet someone and you justify their quirky, effed-up behavior as "adorable," know that one day what was once adorable--reading comic books while lounging around in his tightie-whities on your furniture while you're cooking and cleaning--just ain't cute at all.  Watching a grown man binge on HBO's Lost while on vacation in a foreign vacation...chalk it up to a form of patience you no longer possess and find a guy who actually wants to see the sights.

3 Do go too crazy "treating" yourself.

Absolutely go a little crazy!  Set a budget.  Is it $50?  $500?  $1,000?  Be reasonable.  And then go out and be UNREASONABLE!  On your must-have list?  Must have massages.  Lots of massages!  Must have a weekend away with your gal pals.  It doesn't have to be New York, it could be a staycation downtown at a fancy hotel, with room service, massage, facial and afternoon tea!  The point is:  TREAT YOURSELF BETTER THAN YOU WERE TREATED IN YOUR SHITTY RELATIONSHIP!  In some cases, that might be very easy to do!

2 Do turn into a good friend.

After the dust clears and you're feeling like yourself again, be there for everyone who was there for you!  Have girl parties with great food and fun drinks and silly swag bags to thank your girlfriends.  Boyfriends/husbands come and go, but besties are forever!  So now that all your besties have been there for you, listened to your heartbreak, made you laugh through your tears, remember that your turn will come and you'll know exactly how to help them.  Like taking their breakup guy's picture and drawing red concentric circles on it, driving them to the shooting range and buying them an hour of range time!

1 Do panic.

Fear is a good thing!!!  Don't run from it!  Think of the months or years lost to trying to salvage a bad relationship...and keep it in a special file in your head, complete with exhibits!  So that the next time you meet someone who starts ticking off the items on that familiar list, you know to flee to the nearest exit!

Breakups are hard.  We can all agree on that.  But what makes a breakup harder is trying to get away from someone who is living rent-free in your mind.  So do the "TO-DO LIST" and evict them so you can make room for all the positives that can reside in that freed-up space!

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