by David Schuster
After sitting through six straight three hour plus baseball games I had built up so much anguish that if I was going to the movies it had to be one with action. In "Machete" I found the perfect release. This movie is not for everyone but if you like violence, satire and a "B" movie at it's best, this flick is for you....as it was for me.
The plot of this movie is not even secondary it's irrelevant. This movie is just a forum to show off big stars in small roles and have fun ridiculing other action flicks. Danny Trejo is the star of this movie and you might have seen him in some smaller roles playing a tough criminal looking type. Here he is the lead as a former Mexican agent who crosses the border to continue slicing and dicing up the bad guys. Trejo is a master of the machete much like Billy Bob Thornton was a master of the sling blade in that movie. But he also uses other devices to eliminate the enemy and I must have laughed out loud a dozen times at how ridiculous but funny this all was. By the way, Trejo is sixty-six years old and is in great shape but UGLY. He's a combination of Steve Ontiveros and Willie Hernandez who were two of the uglier Cubs players of all time.
As mentioned, there are some big names in this movie: Robert De Niro, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal, Cheech Marin, and Lindsay Lohan (who shows all). There is also some sweet eye candy in Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez, and throughout the entire movie I kept asking myself...who would I rather......? Wow, tough decision on that one.
This movie spoofs and follows a lot of other "B" flicks and has a lot of Quentin Tarantino's "Kill Bill" in it. I loved those two movies and I really liked this one too. The funny thing about "Machete" is that it was born out of a spoof trailer for the movie "Grindhouse" but the audiences so loved that three
minute trailer that eventually it was made into this full production. I'll bet my bottom dollar that there will be a sequel, and if Alba and Rodriguez are in that one it will be a success too. And maybe by then I'll figure out which one of these beauties I'd rather....
My rating - a triple - three stars for "Machete"