A Modest Proposal *by 2nd Amendment Absolutists
Stand your ground. Thanks to Uncle ALEC and the deep pocketed gun lobbyists of the NRA and the gun absolutists of the Gun Owners of America, under the Castle doctrine it is legal to shoot first and ask questions later. So if ever one of those other types appears at your door, and you know who I'm talking about, bang bang they’re dead. Don't need their kind around. So what if the Trick or Treaters on Halloween who hold us up every year are taken out. Buy your own damn candy, kid.
With the Valentine’s Day coming up remember that nothing says I love you to the little woman like another powder pink gun. The kids don’t have to be jealous, treat the boy to a gun of his own on his birthday. So what if he shoots his sister, you and your wife can always make another. What fun.
As for that Bolshie 1st Amendment that Piers Morgan used to slander the blessed 2nd Amendment on Chicken Noodle News, we win! The 1st Amendment may have limits--like you can’t scream FIRE in a theater--but nothing limits the 2nd Amendment. We got guns in churches, guns in bars, guns in schools and guns in libraries. Never know when a book might threaten you to think. We even got guns into the hands of the blind! Now that's gun rights. As for the mentally ill, their rights aren't far behind. Guns in the hands of your baby, guns in the courts to show those judges who is in charge. What could be more symbolic of American capitalism than selling guns, guns and guns and ever more guns?
As to bleeding heart foreigners like Jon Oliver and his scurrilous three-part series on Australia’s ban on guns, what do you expect from a funny accented man whose people invaded America? Just like Piers Morgan and his anti-gun screed, just foreign.
As for those New York City liberals with their diverse, pluralistic society who want the freedom of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” extolled in the American Declaration of Independence, damn them and their jaywalking lean legs to obesity! Open carry forever!
For those sob-sisters who blather on about second-hand gun deaths that kill innocent children playing in the park or walking to school, pshaw. Scrooge knew a bit about how to deal with population explosion, “If they would rather die, they had better do it and decrease the surplus population.” So what if 50% of gun deaths are African-Americans, don’t let them call it ethnic cleansing. They might be right. Don't ask, don't tell.
*A Modest Proposal in which Jonathan Swift posited how to reduce the surplus population of pesky begging Irish; cook their sucklings. Soylent green anyone? Or lead poisoning?