Adventures in Dating: Mama Say Deal Breaker
Imagine a lovely mid-November evening, you've set up a date with a strapping young man from
OkCupid! for seven o'clock. Sitting, at quaint, semi-hipster cafe sipping your iced coffee you wait a half hour before said young man appears and then within the span of an hour, over veggie burgers and falafel, he tells you that he doesn't drink, mentions his ex, and to top it all off, is a self-proclaimed "Mama's Boy."
My Aunt Cooky always tells the story of the three criterion her dates needed to meet before she met the dream that is my Uncle Johnny:
1. The had to be Catholic
2. They had to be successful and happy in their life choices
3. (with emphasis) NO MAMA'S BOYS.
Interestingly enough, the excessive lateness, sobriety, and talk of ex-girlfriends was tolerable from my tardy date, but the second the words "mama's boy" were uttered, Aunt Cooky's words rang in my mind. The deal was broken.
Why, when we care so much that a man treats his mother well, can't we stomach a man who consults her? Where is the line between loving his mom and a mama's boy, and why is it such a problem?
The problem is mostly to do with priorities, no woman wants to feel as if she's come between her man and his mom. Eloise Huarno, relationship correspondent at
Askmen.com writes:
"It is normal and expected that a man will treat his mother on her birthday,
Mother's Day,
or on any other celebration. However, if a man always puts his mother
before his girlfriend, no matter what the occasion, chances are his
girlfriend will end up resenting him and leave him. The main reason why
women don't like mama's boys is because competing with the woman who
gave birth to him just isn't an option."
So why not just call it quits at first sign that a guy's mom is always going to be number one? No one wants to feel that they have to live up to a level of perfection that will be unattainable. If the guy still thinks his mom is as infallible as the Pope by his mid-twenties, an uphill battle for his romantic partner is surely in the future.
So how's a girl to know when she's stumbled upon this oedipal character? Chelsea Kaplan at
Thefrisky.com consulted
Dr. Debra Mandel, author of
Dump the Chump, asking how one can tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy mother-son relationships.
Mandel says:
"While you might find it odd that he's calling or even visiting his
mother daily, the frequency of contact a guy has with his mom doesn't
determine how healthy or unhealthy his attachment is to her. What does,
however, is the quality of the contact. If both mom and son have mutual
respect for one another and have set good boundaries with each other
(if he's able to say "Thanks but no thanks for the new underwear you
bought me, Ma. I am 34, you know...", for example), their talking
everyday may not be something worth your concern. On the other hand,
while mom and son may not see or talk to one another very often, if he
can't make a decision in his life without her approval or validation,
that's a sign of a seriously unhealthy attachment."
Even if a guy is wonderful and seemingly the best thing that every happened to you, Aunt Cooky is right, being a mama's boy is the ultimate deal breaker. If there is one thing any of us can't hear enough, it's that we can't change a man. And if his mom is still buying him underwear and dictating what he eats for breakfast, chances are, no pair of socks you buy or batch of pancakes you make will ever be as good as his mama's.
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