Can't bi me love: How can I be less Ms. Right and more Ms. Right Now
Got a question? Send it to anna.pulleyATgmailDOTcomMost guys I date, or even just sleep with, are interested in relationships. The problem is, most of the time, I'm not. I have sort of a normal, intelligent-girl-next-door look, and I suspect that I somehow come off as marriage material. Even sleeping with someone hours after meeting them on the train fails to dispel the illusion that I'm a nice girl, who has NEVER done anything like this before and should be grabbed hold of like a frickin' life preserver. This even seems to interfere with relationships I DO want to be in - I recently found out that an ex of mine fantasized about marrying me all the time, and that an entirely self-generated fear of settling down was a factor in the break-up. What the hell? I just want to go on lots of romantic adventures, have fun, and quit accruing drama. Help!
Signed,
We Don't Have a Future Here
p.s. I just came out of a year-long relationship (he insisted!) and am about to try online dating for the first time. How should I calibrate for the effect described above, without looking attention-whorey?Dear We Don't Have a Future Here,
The men you are after are surely around somewhere, most likely too busy twittering about Bruno or joining S&M-themed bowling leagues to recognize your slutterifficness. According to
Lynn Norment of Ebony, women choose men who are wrong for them because "they are looking for the wrong qualities in a man." Aside from "big penis" I don't know what qualities she could be talking about, but I do think it's obvious that you need to stop temping as a mail-order bride this instant.
Yours is an issue that falls on the perceptions of others unfortch, not
on you, and since you seem fairly outspoken, I find it hard to believe
you haven't vocalized your desires to remain relationship-free in the
past. But, sometimes people are dense, especially if they are
fantasizing about putting a ring on it, and need much more obvious
cues/reality checks. I've found that talking about vasectomies and
boning Jenna Bush have rescinded numerous marriage proposals, but if
lying isn't your shtick, Judgy McJudgerton, then you could also try to
deflect serious relationship-y moments by setting a few boundaries.
Limit the amount of time and energy spent with your fella to let him
know that you are a temp, not someone to share joint checking accounts
with. Same goes with intimacy. What kind of signals are you sending? I
once had what I thought was going to be a one-night stand kiss me
really tenderly on the forehead during sex, which changed the way I
perceived the situation completely and turned into a relationship that
lasted several months. Not that you should be cold and unfeeling, since
robots and
vampires are a hot commodity these days and that could work
against you, just be careful you're not sending mixed signals where
sex/intimacy is concerned.
Online dating is perfect for
outlining EXACTLY what you are looking for in a relationship (or lack
thereof). Want to play checkers with someone who looks like Mickey
Rourke and collects leotards? Say so. Interested in forming a
polyamorous commune for summer getaways filled with strip Canasta and
Diet Dr. Pepper? Put that down. Be as specific as possible. Unlike
other forms of self-expression, the dating profile is your chance to be
selfish and not beat around the bush (unless you're into that, then by
all means, beat!).
For more on how to hone your online dating profile, read
this.
As for the post-script, that's another entry in and of itself. Check back in a few days. Your answer is forthcoming.
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