Are you there, Science? It's me, Bisexuality

In reality, Roy and Silo were not gay, but part of the 1,500 species of wild and captive animals that engage in bisexual behavior. As Scientific American Mind noted, "Many species seem to have ingrained homosexual tendencies that are a regular part of their society. That is, there are probably no strictly gay critters, just bisexual ones." Yet references to scientific studies keep mistakenly labeling same-sex animal humping as gay. Like this one that came out [ed. note: hee] recently, noting:

"Bottlenose dolphin homosexuality, on the other hand, may appear to offer no practical advantage to the survival of the species, but 'male-on-male mounting and genital contact appear to strengthen alliances and provide practice for later opposite-sex encounters.'"

Wait, if they're gay, then why are they mounting females? I'm so confused. It's probably because I'm bisexual. Also, male Chicago Bears mount each other all the time and no one remarks upon their sexuality. Zing?

Since bisexuality is so often considered a phase or a cop-out, one of the ways bisexuals counter this silly argument is with the help of Mother Nature. You'll often be able to spot the bisexual at dinner parties as the one cornering someone at the dip table with a lecture on the bonobo chimp or the mating habits of black swans.

"Did you know that bisexuality in animals serves as a peace keeping strategy? I was reading Bonobo: The Forgotten Ape at the gym recently and it is just amazing what bisexuality can do to ease social tensions...much like this awkward exchange we're having now!"

Until Science gets it straight [ed. note: hee], I will continue the important crusade of outing animals like Roy and Silo, who, while championed as gay heroes, were actually just a couple of sluts. I mean, bisexuals.