We are pleased to announce that Satire and the City has successfully moved offices! The new pad is pretty sweet. Doors. Windows. The works!
However, everyone in the office has contracted an extremely bad case of tonsillitis. Yeah, the inside of our mouths resembles the gates of hell, we're drinking our meals and when we talk, on those oh so rare moments, we sound like Christian Bale Batman. So until we stop silently crying ourselves to sleep in agony, the blog is going to remain on hiatus.
Sorry for the wait, but we appreciate your loyalty.
- Staff
Fun With Tonsils
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Moving Offices...Again
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Satire and the City regrets any interruptions in our normal circulation schedule. However, we are in the middle of having to move offices once again. It seems that reputable loan officer we met in that dark alley wasn't as reputable as his lack of credentials led us to believe. So suffice it to say, we are running for our lives.
New posts will occur throughout the rest of October very sporadically with a return to our regular schedule in November.
Until then, in the words of Jerry Springer (the father of modern journalism), take care of yourselves and each other.
New posts will occur throughout the rest of October very sporadically with a return to our regular schedule in November.
Until then, in the words of Jerry Springer (the father of modern journalism), take care of yourselves and each other.
Apple Picking: Time-Honored Tradition Or Migrant Worker Training Camp?
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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A Letter From the Editor
The other day my sister and her stupid husband who I unlovingly call The Drunk ditched their children with me for the weekend so that they could go and--what else--get plastered in a God damn corn maze. This meant I had to take off of work to babysit, which as anyone can tell you is basically like telling my heart to stop beating. In other words, it's something that happens once a year.
So there they were, little Maddow and Steven, both named after liberal, wingnut MSNBC whackjobs, you know, because my sister is a satanist. I would have just done the usual, which by that I mean lead them to the basement, throw an xBox down the stairs and lock the door behind them, but last time they told. So this time, I decided we'd take an excursion far, far away from anything I prize or value.
This led me to driving north on I-90. Honestly, I was just planning on driving until we ran out of gas and then making the kids push, you know, to instill within them a sense of character...and killer hamstrings. But unfortunately I veered off the highway and we passed a big stupid apple orchard.
The other day my sister and her stupid husband who I unlovingly call The Drunk ditched their children with me for the weekend so that they could go and--what else--get plastered in a God damn corn maze. This meant I had to take off of work to babysit, which as anyone can tell you is basically like telling my heart to stop beating. In other words, it's something that happens once a year.
So there they were, little Maddow and Steven, both named after liberal, wingnut MSNBC whackjobs, you know, because my sister is a satanist. I would have just done the usual, which by that I mean lead them to the basement, throw an xBox down the stairs and lock the door behind them, but last time they told. So this time, I decided we'd take an excursion far, far away from anything I prize or value.
This led me to driving north on I-90. Honestly, I was just planning on driving until we ran out of gas and then making the kids push, you know, to instill within them a sense of character...and killer hamstrings. But unfortunately I veered off the highway and we passed a big stupid apple orchard.
Don't Bomb Us, Bro: A Terrorist In Wrigleyville
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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What's up, bros! It's your buddy Brice here, and man it feels good to be alive!
No, I'm not becoming one of those sissy optimists. It's just that after you've had a brush with death, you really begin to appreciate life and stuff. Seriously, dude. Miller Light has never tasted so sweet.
You might be wondering what I'm talking about. Well, on Sunday I was jamming out at the Dave Matthew's Band concert at Wrigley Field. It was AWESOME! I was wearing a tank so that I could flash my DMB ink (I got a line of ants marching spelling out DMB on one bicep and Dave Matthews face on the other. Bad ass!). The stadium was an orgy of bros (no homo) with everyone getting wasted and singing along. Man, it was totally like high school, which was definitely my favorite time to be alive.
No, I'm not becoming one of those sissy optimists. It's just that after you've had a brush with death, you really begin to appreciate life and stuff. Seriously, dude. Miller Light has never tasted so sweet.
You might be wondering what I'm talking about. Well, on Sunday I was jamming out at the Dave Matthew's Band concert at Wrigley Field. It was AWESOME! I was wearing a tank so that I could flash my DMB ink (I got a line of ants marching spelling out DMB on one bicep and Dave Matthews face on the other. Bad ass!). The stadium was an orgy of bros (no homo) with everyone getting wasted and singing along. Man, it was totally like high school, which was definitely my favorite time to be alive.
CTA Bus Giveaway!
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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As you know, I am the queen of clearance! I just love a good deal, bargain and steal. And boy have I got a tip that will quench your thirst for thrifty! Zing-a-roo!
According to this story, the CTA is giving away buses! That's right. Dump your Cadillac, and consider that Jaguar junk. You'll be the envy of everyone on the block (including that nosy tramp Phyllis)! Just think, as everyone pulls out of their garages along Oak Street in their Beemers and Porshes, you can literally stop traffic with your hulking gas-guzzling bus!!!
According to this story, the CTA is giving away buses! That's right. Dump your Cadillac, and consider that Jaguar junk. You'll be the envy of everyone on the block (including that nosy tramp Phyllis)! Just think, as everyone pulls out of their garages along Oak Street in their Beemers and Porshes, you can literally stop traffic with your hulking gas-guzzling bus!!!
I Got A Job At Chick-Fil-A!
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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You've ever been in the mood for the most bitchin' chicken sandwich of your life? With pickles? Then you obviously have been wet dreamin' about Chick-Fil-A, the fast-food chicken shack that's like a blowjob to your tastebuds!
Us Chicagoans have been waiting years to get one of these things. Well, call your boss and tell him to shit a brick because one is opening up tomorrow morning in Aurora! Fuck to the yeah!
Us Chicagoans have been waiting years to get one of these things. Well, call your boss and tell him to shit a brick because one is opening up tomorrow morning in Aurora! Fuck to the yeah!
Guess Who's Coming To Mayor!
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Political Speculator Oliver Quimby
But who will take over for Mayor Daley? A lot of names have been bandied about in the news. Will it be you-know-who from you-know-where? Or perhaps that other guy. The one with the mustache. In any case, here are my mayoral candidate predictions!
I Wish My Neighbors Would Stop Calling The Cops On My Bro Party
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Douche Beat Brice O'Connell
This weekend was da bomb, yo! My old frat bros came over and mixed up some homemade hooch-tails. We then hosted a drinkathalon (flippy cup, beer pong and cornhole) until 6 in the morn (totes like Snoop Dogg)!
"Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Words to live by, bro.
Things That Make You Go Ew!: The Egg Industry
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Food Critic Zeeth Zolopous
Recently I became a vegetarian.
It all started when I met this smoking hot babe at the DQ in Wicker Park. I was there for an Orange Julius (natch), and when I got to the front of the line, who was there manning the register but Aphrodite herself. I mean, this chick had it going on! Nose ring, pigtails, heavy eyeliner and tat sleeves. I'm surprised she didn't make all that ice cream melt!
Hey gurl! Hey! It's the Dairy Queen!
Moving Offices
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Hello from the staff at Satire and the City. We're in the middle of moving to a new office. But we'll be back next week. In the meantime, watch this!
What Would (Fundamentalist Christian) Jesus Do?
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Religious Reporter Oliver Quimby
People sure have taken a sudden interest in urban planning. The building of this mosque has them yelling in the streets, chanting in unison and harassing passersby. It's like the '60s...if hippies were total assholes.
No mosque here, man!
Of course, many are doing this in the altruistic name of freedom. Ah, sweet sweet freedom. Tastes like applie pie doesn't it? And of course, nothing screams First Amendment freedoms more than banning a religious group from erecting a place of worship. Right?
All men are created equal...except the ones that suck.
There's also another movitivator. Religion. The mosque, naturally, is a place of worship for Muslims. Christians aren't Muslims. In fact, Christians think Muslims are waging a holy war against Christianity (because America = Christianity and terrorist = Muslim). So, to retaliate, Christians are doing the Christ-like thing and waging a holy war back.
Take for example, Pamela Geller. She's a good Christian woman. She probably wouldn't even hurt a fly (unless that fly prayed toward Mecca). She did the Christ-like thing and bought ad space on cabs to dissuade Muslims from practicing their religion, which she believes is inherintly violent.
Crying myself to sleep is like totes good for my pores.
So in honor of these Christ-like patriots for Jesus Wasington, I have created this pictorial essay to describe what fundamentalist Christian Jesus would do:
Lesbian Hooters Waitress...Need I Say More?
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Not Gay Reporter Brice O'Connell
Yo! What's up, sluts! It's Brice here with all the news that's fit to chug, chug, CHUG!
So, as you know, I write about the Cubs (GO CUBS!) and I write about gay shit. Normally, I don't like writing about the gay shit. It's just so gay. And I don't mean that as in gay as in stupid. I just mean Homo. You know?
Anyway, you better believe I pitched a mean tent when I got word that some lesbian Hooters chick from Rockford is going to be an "America's Next Top Model" contestant. Yeah, let me say that again: Lesbian. Hooters. Chick.
Lesbian. Hooters. Chick.
I'm Sorry, But Who Is Rod Blagojevich?
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Human Wasteoid Zeeth Golopous
And then I was like, "Joey Joe Joe! You made me lose count of my pennies! Not cool. Oh, and what the deuce are you talking about, dude?"
Then Joey glared at me the same way he did when he found out I huffed whipped cream cans in the store cooler. And I was all like, "Get bent, Joey." Only I thought it instead of saying it.
Get off my back, Joey!
The Air And Water Show Is Shattering My Precious Nerves
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Editor in Chief Richard Snell
Hello "Air and Water Show."
That Gay JetBlue Flight Attendant Can Kiss My Ass
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Aviation Reporter Janice Weiss
Well, being the thrifty gal that I am, I decided to forgo shipping the frozen pie to her and instead bring it to her myself...in my carry on!
Caution! Pizza may shift in flight.
Market Days: The Festival for Guys that Don't Like Boobs
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Boystown Reporter Brice O'Connell
I can't tell you how many fine ladies were letting it all hang out at North Avenue beach last weekend. Me and my posse staked out some primo sand and took off our shirts to show off our summer bods. We made sure to shave our chests and oil ourselves up good. You know how it is...Girls go crazy for greased up abs!
"That is so hot," is what girls think.
Fox News Goes Apeshit Over Gay Marriage
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Political Pundit Oliver Quimby
Now I'm a fairly conservative homosexual. I don't dress flamboyantly. I don't speak with a lisp. And I'm certainly nothing like this queen.
But trust me. If I were a Cadberry Creme Egg, my insides would be made of pure gooey gay.
That's why this afternoon I almost crashed my Smart Car into a farmers' market when I heard on NPR that a California federal district judge ruled Proposition 8 unconstitutional due to its violation of the 14 Amendment.
Kicking The Groupon Habit
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Bargain Hunter Janice Weiss
I know. It's such a terrible thing to own up to. Like shooting heroin or rooting for the Cubs. But damn it, something in me just hungers for super low savings on dog grooming and pottery classes. And I don't even own a dog...and I hate pottery!
Boring! Now add Patrick Swayze, and we can talk!
Target: On The Mark Or Off Base?
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Political Pundit Oliver Quimby
But then I read the news and found out Target donated $150,000 to kill gay people. Well, okay. It wasn't to kill gay people. It was to fund the campaign of an anti-gay Republican (Tom Emmer). Well, okay, it actually went to a PAC called MNForward. But I mean, come on, why get bogged down in all the facts? Are us gays now deprived of our right to knee-jerk reactions, too?
Chicago Is Full Of Lying Fucks Who Love Tea
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Editor in Chief Richard Snell
I was walking down Michigan Ave. the other day, pushing aside all the Indiana refugees and suburbanite trash who flow through our downtown's congested streets like a river of stretch pants, when I noticed a stand. The stand stood outside the Board of Trade at Water Tower Place. A sign declared it "The Honest Store."
My first thought was, "Anything that declares itself honest must be a lying sack of shit." I mean, really, think about it. If someone says to you, "Can I be honest?" You should say, "Screw you! Are you saying you've been lying to me this whole time? And now you have the balls to ask me if you can stop lying to me? Go to hell and say hi to Hitler for me!"
But then I noticed that this store was populated with tea. Now let me tell you, it was hot outside...like so hot I could have gone parasailing with my scrotum. Plus, I had just downed a Super Big Gulp of coffee that morning, so I was pissing blood at this point. I needed something to hydrate me, and unfortunately I had just thrown my hip flask at some soccer mom's head for buying enough American Girl crap to dress a trailer park full of naked babies.
So I grabbed a bottle of tea or two and went about business.
Opossums Deserve The Right To Choose, Too!
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Political Pundit Oliver Quimby
Just the other day, on the steps of the Planned Parenthood in Old Town Chicago was left a box containing a dead opossum. A couple weeks earlier, the same thing happened at another North Side planned parenting facility, except this time it involved a dead skunk.
It is plainly obvious what has occurred here. It is a terrible tragedy, and believe me, I've spent the past day praying to God for guidance on this topic. It's just so senseless. So unnecessary. Of course, I'm talking about unwanted woodland creature pregnancies.
Another senseless tragedy that could have been prevented
8 Reasons Why Chicago Hipsters Should Own Guns
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Human Wasteoid Zeeth Golopous
Confession time! I used to be totes no on the F. arms, yo! But now that those grandpas in the S. Court are all like, "Shit, dude, you can't take away their guns. We got to keep it real!" I'm on that shit like a bandanna on a bike messenger.
But then Mayor Daley was all like, "Fuck this, yo! I ain't gonna let some pansy ass court tell me what to do. Let's pass some other shit to fuck with the system." And so they passed some shit to fuck with the system.
We'll see where this shit goes. My guess is the fan, yo! Until then, I kind of think it'd be pretty cool for the hipsters of Chicago to get all up in this gun stuff And I have exactly eight reasons why.
The Pitchfork "Music" Festival: A Big Pile Of Schvitz
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Lifestyle Reporter Janice Weiss
Anywho, I am schvitzing like a prostitute in church. It's a muggy 90-something here, and my Burberry tweed jacket is itching like a bad case of pube lice. But do you see me complaining? Do you?
The festival started off a little rocky. I showed up at the gates, and there was a line from here to Timbuktu. Fortunately, I had my spray fan and my portable neck cooler.
Don't leave home without it!
The Top 10 Places In Chicago To Visit While High
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Entertainment Reporter Zeeth Golopous
Your fiend on the scene Zeeth has scouted out the top 10 places to visit after getting your buzz on in Chi-town.
6 Ways Chicago Can Solve The Asian Carp Problem
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Political Pundit Oliver Quimby
These "bitches of the lake," as they are known locally, threaten Lake Michigan's entire ecosystem. Not even electric fences can stop them. It's like that movie Piranha, except these are carp. ASIAN CARP!
But wait! I, political pundit Oliver Quimby, have thought of some clever solutions to solve this problem. Unfortunately, our graphic designer quit just last week, so I had to teach myself Photoshop. But you'll get the idea.
Wrigleyville, More Like Mallachusetts!
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Wrigleyville Reporter Brice O'Connell
Since I'm a reporter and stuff, I want to make sure my opinions are totes unbiased, so I always make sure to never read the news. That's why it was like a complete mindfuck yesterday when I heard about what's happening to my beloved crib.
Chain stores? A hotel? Wrigleyville is Chicago's finely trimmed landing strip. We don't want to replace that with a big old Best Buy bush! (Yo, I totally just made a vagine reference!) I mean, so many killer spots are going to have to move. Like that iO place. Man, I remember when I saw my bro Brody do some improv there. He was on this team called The Poop Monsters From Castle Poopskull. High-larious (because I was totes high, yo!).
The Internet Is Doomed!
Keith Ecker once fed a giraffe from the comfort of a minivan. He's also a journalist and a comedian.
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Editor in Chief Richard Snell
A Letter From the Editor
The Internet is doomed, and all blogs are crap! That's my two cents anyway.
And I should know. I've been in the news business since before you were a twinkle in your dad's scrotum. What? My crater-faced intern Joe is telling me we can't use that kind of language. Hey, Joe! No one's going to read this anyway. It's on the Internet!
My staff says we need to "utilize Web 2.0." Well, put my balls in a blender and pour me a peniscolada! There's a Web 1.0? What's next? A VCR that plays CDs? I mean really. Who wants their news from the world's largest porn collection?
The Internet is doomed, and all blogs are crap! That's my two cents anyway.
And I should know. I've been in the news business since before you were a twinkle in your dad's scrotum. What? My crater-faced intern Joe is telling me we can't use that kind of language. Hey, Joe! No one's going to read this anyway. It's on the Internet!
My staff says we need to "utilize Web 2.0." Well, put my balls in a blender and pour me a peniscolada! There's a Web 1.0? What's next? A VCR that plays CDs? I mean really. Who wants their news from the world's largest porn collection?
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