Top Ten Sports-Related Halloween Costumes That Don't Suck

10. Michael Irvin: The former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver is one of several pro athletes sashaying in sequins on this season of Dancing With The Stars. If your body is slightly past its prime but your ego is as healthy as ever, this costume is for you.

Requirements: A pair of sparkly pants and a gaudy, bedazzled shirt (no buttons necessary, you'll be wearing it open all night). Carry a football in one hand; in the other, a "Dancing For Dummies" book. Bonus points if you find a hot blond to grope, er...dance with, all night.

9. Machete-wielding Olympic Mascot: In early October Chicago was the first city eliminated for the 2016 Olympic bid. The campaign, which took years to prepare and cost nearly $50 million, couldn't stand up to the one presented by Rio De Janeiro. An alarmingly high crime rate and drug traffickers waging war in 1,000 city slums didn't stop voters from awarding the Brazilian city and its thong-clad residents the right to host the games. The mascot for the 2016 Olympics hasn't yet been announced, so why not give the citizens of Rio something to consider?

Requirements: Of course, the mascot must honor the Olympic games and Rio's famous Carnival, so be sure to carry an Olympic torch and wear a massive feather headdress. To give the mascot the kind of spice only Rio can offer, carry a machete in one hand and throw a bazooka over one shoulder. Stuff a brick of coke in your backpack and strap a round of ammunition across your chest. And don't forget to smile as you shoot down police helicopters and set fire to school buses. 

8. Rick Pitino: Louisville's head basketball coach found himself in hot water earlier this year when a woman he slept with accused him of rape and tried to extort him for money, cars and her children's tuition money. Pitino, married with five children, has admitted that he met the woman at Porcini Restaurant in Louisville and had sex with her there after it had closed. Pitino denied the rape charges but also confirmed that he paid the woman to get an abortion after she informed him she was pregnant.

Requirements: A clipboard, slicked-back hair and the suit that comes with the "Mafia Boss" costume at your local Halloween shop. Glue some napkins, a Porcini Restaurant menu and a few salt and pepper packets to the back and sides of your suit--mementos gathered from the floor of the bistro that fateful night in August.

7. This. Now that's how you do Halloween.

Requirements: Far too many to mention. Props to you if you can pull that off.  

6. Milton Bradley As Lucifer: Everyone's favorite Cub bust is no longer seen as just a  "clubhouse cancer" but is now widely considered the root of all evil in the city of Chicago.

Requirements: A Cubs hat, a Milton Bradley jersey (should be on clearance by now), a baseball mitt and a temper. Fill your pants pockets with millions of unearned dollars and top everything off with a red pitchfork, horns and a tail.

5. Stephon Marbury: Former NBA guard and current crazypants Stephon Marbury recently announced he's taking this season off to rest and do "what Michael Jordan did, enjoy life, do things I haven't done in 16 years, keep building my empire." Of course, MJ didn't take a break from the game because he couldn't find a team to sign him, but I guess that's just details, right Steph? Back in July Marbury officially cut all ties to reality when he hosted a live 24-hour video podcast on UStream.com and revealed himself to be absolutely batshit insane.     
Requirements: A crapload of tattoos, the most important of which being a head tat of Marbury's company logo. Head-to-toe "Starbury" gear, an ipod playing "Lean On Me" by Kirk Franklin on a loop, a friend following you around all night recording everything for your next podcast and a crippling lack of self-awareness.

4. Lyoto Machida: The Brazilian fighter is a rising MMA star who made headlines for admitting to an unusual practice that he says is the secret to his success in the octagon: drinking his own urine. Machida told a Brazilian fight magazine "I drink my urine every morning like a natural medicine."

Requirements: Short black spandex shorts and no shirt. Vaseline on your brow bone, gloves for your hands and a glass of yellow Gatorade--or, of course, your own urine, whatever you prefer.

3. A Big Twitter Feed: The biggest star of the sports world this year wasn't a player or a team, it was Twitter. Pro athletes took to Twitter like the Jackson family to plastic surgery (too soon?) From Chad Ochocinco responding to my photoshops to Shaq offering up game tickets to the first person to find him hiding in a tree, Twitter has allowed athletes and fans to connect on a whole new level.

Requirements: A large posterboard, markers, scissors. Cut a hole out of the top left for your face and fill in your Twitter status. Fill the rest of the posterboard with your favorite athlete tweets of the year and you're a walking, talking Twitter Feed.

 
2. Steve Phillips & Brooke Hundley: The former Mets GM and the husky homewrecker make a perfect Halloween duo for any happy couple. Phillips was recently fired as an ESPN analyst after he was outed for cheating on his wife with Hundley, a 22-year-old ESPN production assistant.

Requirements For Him: A suit, a gray wig and a gray goatee. A "Baseball Tonight" cap and a sign that reads "Unemployed: Will Work For Food".  For Her: Low self esteem and money signs for eyes.  Nota Bene: This costume will not work if your girlfriend is attractive.

1. Bag Heads: This easy-to-make costume is always popular, but this year it's most likely to be worn by party-goers on the north side of Chicago, in Landover, MD, outside LP Field in Nashville and anywhere within a 50-mile radius of PNC Park. 

Requirements: This one's easy. Simply wear the gear of your favorite underperforming team, cut the eye holes out of a paper bag and wear the bag over your head in shame. It's a classic costume that will never get old.