Stuff Your Fellow Old Townies Are Selling on Craig's List!

Alright, folks. For those of you who have been too lazy to wrap up in your scarf, mittens, and 32 layers of warm clothing and wool socks lately, you're probably missing out on Old Town's business scene- big time. I know this because I know you. In fact, I am you. 

In between November and March I usually like to just stock up on canned beans and mac and cheese in order to hibernate in my tiny apartment until that little groundhog can't see his shadow any longer. 

Unfortunately, eating canned beans and mac and cheese for four solid months is more expensive then the average hibernation income allows, not to mention, it doesn't provide me with as many dietary benefits as one might assume.

So, I decided to pull up my sweatpants and venture out into the world of Old Town. And its been great! The local business scene is jumping and I was able to do profiles on some of the key players on Wells Street. 

However, it came to my attention the other day that many of my readers are probably sitting in their apartments right now, opening up a ripe can of kidney beans and saying to themselves, "Dude, Chelsea has totally forgotten the number six rule of "Hibernate Club"- "We don't leave our apartments until Spring".

And so, in honor of all my fellow, lazy, hibernating Chicagoans and in honor of all you Old Town-ers who really don't feel like going out to get slapped in the face by Mother Nature, I have decided to write a piece giving you all an alternative option to accumulate the stuff you don't need. And that piece is this piece. And this piece is called "STUFF YOUR FELLOW OLD TOWNIES ARE SELLING ON CRAIG'S LIST!"

That's right- I looked far and wide on Craig's List and found some of the best (and most reasonably priced) things up for grabs in Old Town this week- I even included some of the original blurry pictures for your viewing pleasure! So get your credit cards and g-mails ready, because this is some stuff you can't live without.

1. Donk Lifts- $650

When I first looked at this, I'll admit I had no idea what a "donk lift" was. Yet, I was confident that its funny name and atrociously high price would make it number one on my list. Without a picture to go along with the ad, I imagined that it was something that could lift your enemies off the ground and hit them (or "donk" them) over the head. However, I just couldn't imagine what the "donker" would be made of to cost $650. Luckily, one Google Image Search was able to show me the light.

Yes, my friends, they are giant expensive springs that not only make your regular car waaaay more "donk" or "cool", but they also give your puny car more height and attitude than any cocky, naturally tall SUV! I don't know why someone in Old Town is selling these or how no one has bought these yet, but I'M SOLD!

2. 3/4 Violin- $160

Without a picture, I wonder how many people have just figured this was an add for three-fourths of a violin. I know that's what I thought. I just figured maybe the fourth that was missing was the strings or that is was a witty title and the fourth that was missing was "YOU! :)".

However, upon reading the in-depth description I learned that this was just a smaller-sized violin because Paul's "adult girlfriend", who used to create "lovely music with it", needed a 3/4 size "because of a short finger". 

WHOA! T-M-I, PAUL! I'm sure your "adult girlfriend" would not appreciate you telling the WORLD of her handicapping disability! Does she even know you are selling her tiny violin?!?! 

3. Mikolaj Kaspryzyk Orignal Oil For Sale Yoga Study - $5000

No, they're not talking about a fancy yoga body oil. They're talking about a piece of artwork by a Polish painter who somehow convinced them to buy his very expensive painting of stick figures doing yoga. 

(Side note- for far less then $5,000, I can sell you the paints and pre-drawn stick figures to create the same "masterpiece".)

What's more is that this ad offers you two completely different pictures- one of which may or may not be the painting you're paying $5,000 for- I can't tell. 

Either way, something tells me this seller may have regretted their original $7,500 "investment".