Men Secretly Freak Out About Body Hair
Not my stomach; quiet down, ladies.
I was in Estelle's in Wicker Park randomly chatting with a thin 24-year-old blonde girl, who was explaining to me that her butt would just never look the same.
"Things have already started to sag," she declared forlornly. "All the parts will never go back to where they used to be, and no amount of exercise or dieting will change that." And this from a woman who probably weighed all of 100 pounds and had been out of college for all of 12 minutes.
Still her point remains. The aging body thing sucks, and I know what she's talking about. Women apparently worry about their asses--dimples, pocks, cellulite, stretching--these are all words I assume they use in those "Sex and the City" conversations that I'm never invited to and would rather drill a hole in my ear than hear about.
Don't worry, ladies, men have similar issues. For me, it's body hair (I warn you: read no further if you're squeamish about the term "upper thigh frizzies").
As I grow older, I notice my body hair taking a turn toward the schizophrenic: it literally does not know where to grow or how long or even what body it's on.
After being as sleek and hairless as a baby pig for the first fifteen years of my life, I spent much of the next decade unable to grow a full beard, with a respectable and symmetrical chest patch, and very appropriate, very seemly hair growth on arms and legs.
Now, in the last two to three years that has all changed.
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Suddenly, what I used to call "back of my neck" hair has crept lower and lower until my barber cannot reach it and it can really only be described as "lower-lower neck" hair (i.e. "back" hair).
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The male thigh already being the most unattractive aspect of any humanoid body, age brings with it a vast increase in what I think of as "upper thigh frizzies," which look like a cross between Michael Jackson's hair in the "Thriller" video and intestinal worms.
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Shoulder hairs have become a pandemic. No matter how many of them I yank out, they keep cropping up, vile and lonesome yet always persistent.
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Finally, I have this patch on the right side of my stomach that makes no sense. It's like someone has been painting Rogaine on this one spot while I sleep as an elaborate and terrifying prank.
My point is that I examine what is going on with my body hair and cannot make heads or tails of it. Especially since I still can't grow a full beard.
I'd like to hear from the guys on this one. Does anyone else notice something similar happening to them? Is there any way to reverse this trend--perhaps by eating less grain? What exactly is a "pock" and what can I do to make sure my future wife never talks about them?
Let's hear it in the comments.
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5 Comments
Jen said:
You should invest in one of those hairbegone mitt thingies..the new ones from the info mercials. A friend at work swears by them & has converted from shaving. As far as cellulite goes, for both men & women, you can avoid the appearance of it by drinking enough water, working out, & not eating a bunch of shitty processed foods. I guess that's pretty self explanatory, but I constantly see thin girls with cellulite..gross.
Jen said:
https://www.getsmoothaway.com/ver44/index.asp You can thank me later!
Ian O'Dea said:
Well, you finally figured out my elaborate and terrifying prank... Darn, I was hoping I could keep that going for much, much longer!
Nate Maingard said:
aaah my friend, it is with great sadness that I hear of your lack of love for your hirsute self!
I'm one very hairy guy and completely love nothing more than revelling in my own fur!
Get in love with yourself and give yourself a hug, you're bloody gorgeous just as you are!
MinneapolisBuck said:
I'm in my mid-30s and I just started to experience many of the same "symptoms" as you. My chest and stomach hair has been getting thicker, my lower-neck hair has been creeping lower, and I am getting strays onto the tops of my shoulders and upper arms. These aren't the fine, short whispy blond hairs--but all out pube-like critters on my shoulders! I pull one, but then four arrive for its funeral days later. A never-ending battle.
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