How Do I Get on the Back Page of RedEye?
Photo: Ian Merritt (http://blog.idmphotography.com)
So I write for this little Chicago rag called
RedEye, where I document,
delve into and decimate some of the most important issues of our day
like why
hanging out with D.C. people is strange or
why dogs suck or why
strip poker is stupid.
You know, the important topics that command Chicago's attention.
However, writing the page four column is not my real dream. No, my real dream is making the back page of RedEye, known as "red hot."
Don't pretend like it's not the first thing you read when you pick up an issue.
Sure,
you feel guilty not reading about what's going on in the world. You
feel bad that you don't immediately check to see what your favorite
RedEye columnists have to say about a variety of issues. But
you just can't help yourself.
You've gotta know what Usher is up to.
Now that I've admitted that's my goal, I just have to figure out how I'm going to go about getting on RedEye's back page.
The back page is where the cool kids hang out. Sure, writing for the page four column is great--don't get me wrong. It's like being in the debate club and kissing the trombone player from marching band.
But the back page: That's like being the star quarterback of the football team and having sex at the fifty yard line with other team's cheerleading squad.
The back page is where the action happens. That's where the glory (and Jessica Alba) is.
Even Barack Obama, back when he was living here, probably boarded the CTA ready to read about Whatziwhozit Kharzi over there in Afghanimistan (or whatever it's called) but then kept discreetly glancing at someone else's nearby RedEye and saw there was something about Rihanna's dating life on the back. "What's going on with Rihanna?! Is she pregnant? Did she get back with Chris Brown?" he wondered, and then, "Oh, snap, is that other story about Lady Gaga? Who's in Lady Gaga's inner circle? What about the cast of the TV show "Scrubs?" For the love of God, what are they all doing now that it's canceled Ineedtoknowrightnow?!?!"
From careful study, I've determined that I can either have "beef" with another celebrity, date another celebrity, become famous for no discernible reason and then exploit that fame by getting addicted to drugs, or--and this is my leading contender--I could simply "drop" a "single."
"Dropping" a "single" appears to be one of the fastest ways to RedEye's back page--rivaled only by being connected in any way with "Transformers" "star" Megan Fox. Frankly, I think all I'd have to do is water Megan Fox's lawn and you'd see me on the "red hot" page for the next month.
There's also the possibility that I could do something artistically credible--a project of some lasting and communal value to our cultural debate that would elevate the ongoing discussion about who we are as a people and what system of values will help us move forward as a true community, but then I remembered that I have to study "New Moon" star Robert Pattinson's hair style to figure out what product he's using and then jet over to YouTube to check out the trailer for the new Gyllenahaal flick "Prince of Persia."
Abs are looking good, Jake!
So yeah, I'll probably just try to get the cast of "The Bachelor" together to drop a single about Miley Cyrus's beef with Levi Johnston over an addiction to painkillers.
Clear out some room, "red hot!"
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3 Comments
Eliza Siep said:
How can I be the first comment on here? Um hello amazing post, I am thinking that I will probably get famous for no reason soon so I can date you for a min, I guess, but not for to long because I will need something to poke fun of myself for when I host SNL and healthy celebs are not interesting at all. Nice meeting you the other night.
rose4ulove said:
Greetings,
My name is Rose,
i saw your profile today at ( www.chicagonow.com )and became interested in you,i want you to send an email to my email address so i
can give you my picture for you to know whom i am,Here is my email address ( rose_02akubia@yahoo.com ) i believe we can move from here!
I will be happy to seeing a good responds from you
Your's in love Rose,
Katie Wedell said:
Steve you should tell Rose that you will only bring her to America if she can get you in the VIP with Heidi and Spencer.
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