Dear Jezebel, You're Boring Me

The whole nation is talking about Karen Owen, the Duke graduate who made a mock senior thesis on her college sexcapades. My girlfriends and I all received an email with the thesis project earlier this week from a friend of ours and since then, it's popping up everywhere: the newspaper in the morning, the radio in the car, the TV at the gym. People cannot believe that something like this was made and then leaked. I can. I read through all of Owen's 42 slides, which documents via pictures and storytelling all her sexual partners as well as rates them based on their performance. Most of the "subjects", as she refers to them, are current and former members of the Duke La Crosse team, which of course makes this all the more scandalous.

Owen claims she never intended for the document to leak, that she sent it to three close friends and it escalated from there. Naturally, the PowerPoint document has caused quite the stir and will inevitably lead to some short-term fame for Owen, who has- for the moment, refused interviews.  I've read and heard multiple sources claiming she is already being sought after to write a book, star in a television series or sell the rights for a movie. She's been called a good writer and a "female version of Tucker Max".

Here's what I think:

1. Owen meant for this to leak.

2. Owen is not a good writer. (In fact her grammar, sentence structure and spelling errors made me a little ill)

3. Owen is nowhere near the sexy seductress she is trying to portray herself as.

I will admit I was entertained for a bit by reading this, and my curiosity was clearly piqued enough to read through the entire thing. Yet my investment in Owen's honesty was quickly diluted.  Almost immediately, Owen appeared insanely self-conscious, which to me is a red flag for deception. I've known plenty of girls who are the way I perceived Owen to be: their self-consciousness translates to fake confidence. Owen is not confident. No girl who is confident and thinks she can have any guy has EVERY guy. The way she stressed details of when the guys complimented her came off to me as a desperate approach to try to convince her readers that she is as great as the girl she dreams about being. I've seen her picture, she is a pretty girl, but everything about this situation screams desperate and sad.

Another thing that caught my attention was the way Owen clung to minor details of affection: the guy who let her watch Sports Center with him "for almost an hour before walking me back to my apartment", the guy who drunkenly joked about her being his cheating wife, and the guy who kept her around until almost noon the day after their hook up. I mean if that's not generous, I don't know what is.

Owen seems to be trying to convince her readers, and herself, that these guys weren't interested in just sleeping with her. I would be curious to know if Owen has ever been in a real relationship or had any relation with a guy that has meaning. Not to say girls need to be settling down or committing to one guy at this age. I'm all for having fun, dating around and meeting new people, but everyone- guys and girls included, should have more pride than Owen. She was clearly an object of the La Crosse team and to be honest, she should be offended she wasn't paid since she acted as an in-house prostitute, thrown between the guys with no emotion or care.

Duke officials and La Crosse team representatives are worried that this will be a poor reflection of their school and athletic program, especially following the 2006 Duke La Crosse team stripper controversy. College girls having sex is not new news. College athletes having sex is not new news. This is just another example of something being talked about as a scandal because people don't want to appear unfazed by it. The parents of the athletes are probably neither in shock nor embarrassed about their sons but shocked and embarrassed about what other people will think. The guys, whose names and pictures were included with their, er, abilities, are probably angry and embarrassed with the right to be so, but was Owen really wrong? Does it really make a difference if she tells five friends or if she tells the world?

Owen says she never intended to hurt anyone, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that she enjoyed bashing the guys who treated her like an object. For example, she rips apart one subject because he "didn't bother" to kiss her and left once he was done. She also says she never friend requested the guys on Facebook or asked for their numbers to avoid appearing too clingy. Hey Karen, you want to know why that would be clingy? Because nobody wants the La Crosse team hooker, used at the disposable of all their buddies poking them on Facebook. Owen also said that she used other guys to make that night's guy of interest jealous. Well, Kar, that's basic human nature. The guys weren't in it to fight for her, they were in it to fight against each other.

In the past, I would have pitied Owen. Cleary she has some major issue in which she feels the need to seek compliments in any way possible- her way: by sexually conquering the Duke athletic program. Until she deals with this, she will spend the rest of her life in meaningless relationships with people. As for her little co-pilot, Ali- she probably has the same issue. I can actually confidently assume that this friendship was competitively based between the girls, as well. I no longer possess the ability to feel too much sympathy for girls like Owen. If she's seeking sympathy (which I don't think she is) she should reach out to some self-conscious 13 year-olds, this is totally up their alley.

Look, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I'm not. I'm being harsh on Owen because I have, in the past, given too many hours of friendship to girls just like her. The reality is if I met Owen outside her scandal I would simply think, "well she sucks" and avoid a friendship. Her actions do not affect me and only briefly interested me; she just so happens to be a perfect example of half the population of girls I meet and frankly, ladies, I'm on to you and I'm over it. And to all the women out there trying to exploit Owen as a feminist dream: you are idiots. What is progressive about women's rights in a situation where a girl is the sex slave of a house of guys? The fact that she volunteered? That's a wage issue in my opinion. 

Girls often forget something that is very, very important: while guys may fall for and stutter over your idiotic games, other girls can see right through it. Just to be clear, all your genius little games are average and overused. Yes, even the one where you "accidentally" text your ex-boyfriend something intended for a different guy to spark some jealousy.

But I'm not bashing this completely: play a little game, keep a little mystery, I get it and I agree, but if I were to turn the grading system on Owen for her technique I would give her a 0/10. 

This post is long. I'm going to sum up my points for those cliff note loving-types:

1. Karen Owen is self-conscious.

2. Self-conscious girls suck.

3. I don't want to be friends with Karen Owen.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm tardy to place a bet on how quickly Owen will accept an offer from Maxim. Looks like I'm exactly 15 minutes of fame late.