Turkey of the Year Award ... mmm, tasty!

2009-11-25T15:43:45Z

Yeah, yeah ... thankful for family, friends, health ... yada yada yada ...

Pumpkin pie ... stuffing ... cranberry sauce ... and so on and so on ...

Hey, it's time for the most delicious Thanksgiving tradition of all: my 12th annual Turkey of the Year countdown. And boy, there sure were plenty of lunkheads, lame-o's and losers from which to choose.

So who is the King of Gobblers in 2009? Who will join the previous "winners": Choking Cubbies (2008); Charlie Weis (2007); Aramis Ramirez (2006); Andy MacPhail, Jim Hendry & Dusty Baker (2005); Sammy Sosa (2004 and 2003); Dick Jauron (2002); David Wells & Frank Thomas (2001); Bobby Knight (2000); Jerry Krause (1999); Mike McCaskey (1998)?

As always, I dedicate this to my absent friend and Copley columnist predecessor Gene Seymour, who started this tradition long, long ago.

And now, let the Sweet 16 countdown begin ...

16. CHARLIE WEIS. At this point, it feels like piling on. Tuna Jr. sounded so pathetic as he practically begged Notre Dame to fire him that he took almost all the joy out of mocking him. Almost.

15. BRETT-BASHERS. Poking fun at Mr. Wishy-Washy is one thing. Hating Favre for changing his mind seems a tad over the top. Anyway, it would appear Old Man Viking made the right decision, no?

14. PATRICK KANE. Good news on the ice: He's a big part of the Blackhawks' amazing ascension to the top of the Chicago sports franchise heap. Good news off the ice: When his new $30 million contract is finalized, he'll have 20 cents times 150 million - which should eliminate the urge to clobber any cabbies in Buffalo or anywhere else.

13. LOU PINIELLA. The typical conversation with the Cubbie skipper last season: Hi, Lou. How are you? Fine, but we have a lot of injuries. Gee, it sure is a nice day here at Wrigley. Yeah, but it would be nicer if we had more healthy players. What did you think of Zambrano yesterday? Look, he did a nice job, gave our ballclub a chance to win. And I'd like our chances of winning today, too, if our guys weren't so banged-up. Have you been impressed with the way Mike Scioscia has guided his Angels through so much adversity? Sure, but we've had injuries, too, you know. OK, so maybe nobody died on our team, but Derrek Lee's got a crick in his neck, which is pretty bad. Can you put a finger on what went wrong with the offense this season? Look, I don't want to make any excuses because I never make excuses and excuses are for losers, but we never really got to field the team I wanted to field. Thanks for being such a straight-shooter and not making any excuses, Lou. Look, being a manager is all about taking responsibility, you know.

12. ILLINI RONS. In the not too distant future, Ron Guenther - the man who brought in Ron Zook and Ron Turner to take turns "ronning" the Illinois football program into the ground - will step down as athletic director. The real fun will start after new AD Ron Howard fires Zook and hires Ron Jeremy to lift the program to new heights. Hey coach, is that an end-zone pylon or are you just happy to see us?

11. BARACK OBAMA. Threw like a girl at the All-Star Game, called Dewayne Wise "Weiss" and has yet to act upon his campaign promise to establish a college football playoff. I wish he'd stop messing around with the unimportant stuff and get crackin'!

10. TOMMIE HARRIS. The very definition of a punchy jock.

9. MARK BUEHRLE. He's a good guy who provided the singular highlight of an otherwise insufferable baseball season in Chicago. What's he doing on this list? Well, after pitching his perfect game July 23, he was 11-3 with a 3.28 ERA and the White Sox were tied for first place. Over the next two months, Buehrle went 3-9 with a 5.18 ERA and the White Sox fell nine games back. Sorry, but when you are the ace of the staff and the highest-paid pitcher in franchise history, you simply can't go into the tank when the team needs you most. No matter how nice a guy you are.

8. JOHN PAXSON. After failing to build upon the Bulls' promise, he retreated into his bunker and let new GM Gar Forman deal with public scrutiny. Note to Puppetmaster Pax: We're not fooled! We know you're the man behind the curtain!

7. ALEX RODRIGUEZ & MANNY RAMIREZ. Soon to be Tony La Russa's first-base coach and bench coach.

6. MICHAEL JORDAN. In what should have been his proudest moment, a bitter M.J. used his Hall of Fame speech to lambast those he felt had wronged him over the years. If only he'd be as passionate about his day job, the Bobcats might not be NBA laughingstocks.

5. GEOVANY SOTO. After his stoner ways became public knowledge, he never got righteous at the plate, dude. The ideal symbol of an up-in-smoke Cubs season.

4. JAY CUTLER. If he really is this bad, Bear Country might as well start rooting for a lockout.

3. JERRY ANGELO & LOVIE SMITH. The GM brought in Mario Andretti and then asked him to drive a Yugo. The coach put himself in charge of the defense and then watched helplessly as his charges allowed 45 and 41 points in two midseason thrashings. Since winning the NFC title in 2006, the Skipper and Gilligan have steered the Bears to a 20-23 record and three shipwrecked seasons.

2. JIM HENDRY. Bid against himself for Milton Bradley. Changed clubhouse chemistry by dumping Mark DeRosa and Henry Blanco. Whiffed on Jake Peavy. Unleashed Kevin Gregg on Cubbieland. Fired the hitting coach, thereby undermining the manager's authority. Assembled an outfield that, dollar for dollar, had to be the worst value of the free-agent era. Other than that, no complaints at all.

And now, the 2009 Turkey of the Year ...

MILTON BRADLEY

Move your men around the track and try to send the others back.
Here comes Sally, look out Jack, you've got troubles, you go back.
Trouble's fun for Dad and Mother, and Sis can Trouble her mean old brother.
Trouble, Trouble, that's the name of Kohner's Pop-O-Matic game!

Yes, if you're choosing the Milton Bradley Company board game that best sums up Milton Bradley's first (and only?) season in Cubbieland, Trouble is the obvious one - just as the cooler-bashing, dugout-trashing, umpire-baiting, fan-hating, teammate-ignoring, never-boring, baseball-missing, manager-dissing outfielder was the obvious choice for Top Turkey honors.

That got me thinking: There must be other Milton Bradley games that could challenge Trouble's stranglehold on this situation. So, in no particular order ...

Downfall and Splat! and KerPlunk: Any of those would work quite nicely.

13 Dead End Drive: That certainly would be a more appropriate address for Wrigley Field than 1060 W. Addison.

Bargain Hunter: What Hendry wasn't. If he had been patient, he could have had Bobby Abreu for a fraction of Bradley's price.

Connect Four: Would have been Milton's highest home-run total for any month.

Easy Money: The man made about $225,000 per RBI. Nice work if you can get it.

Cootie: He was like a human infection.

Dr. Wack-O and KooKooNauts: Hey, if the straitjacket fits ...

Frustration: Ya think?

Shenanigans Carnival of Fun Game: Pretty much describes every day with Milton last season.

Go For Broke: Hendry did. And Bradley helped break the Cubs.

Barrel of Monkeys: As in, "more fun than a ..."

Win, Lose or Draw: I think we know the answer among those three options.

Family Feud: Even better would have been Dysfunctional Family Feud.

Battleship: He sunk the Cubbies, that's for sure.

Password: Shhh! The password is headcase.

HeroQuest: Hendry's quest led him to the anti-hero.

Operation: For Cubbieland denizens, the season was about as enjoyable as a splenectomy.

Perfection: Not!

Crossfire: The situation in the dugout when both Bradley and Cra-Z were upset.

Mystery Date: What an entertaining couple Milton and Lou turned out to be, especially during their "You're not a player! You're a piece of (excrement)!" phase.

Wait ... I've got it ... the absolutely, positively, perfectly named board game to describe Cubbieland's collective response to the Cubs' pursuit of Bradley and Milton's actions once he arrived in Chicago:

Why.

Comment from Mike Krivich on 2009-11-25

2009-11-25T20:21:21Z

Great list and Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

Comment from doug nicodemus on 2009-11-25

2009-11-25T20:37:42Z

you funny...happy turkey day

Comments for Turkey of the Year Award ... mmm, tasty!

Turkey of the Year Award ... mmm, tasty!

Comment from Mike Krivich on 2009-11-25

Comment from doug nicodemus on 2009-11-25