Little Moby Homemaker: Domestic God

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APB: Be on the lookout for the The Black (Mini-Van) Widow

Moby Homemaker

I am an out of work "At Home Dad" who has risen from the ashes like an overweight, over worked, under paid phoenix to become a "Domestic God"

This morning, this Domestic God was witness to the single most horrifying scene in the history of modern roadways.  At 9:30 am I saw a woman driving her mini-van while holding a chai tea in her right hand, a muffin top in her left hand, with a cell phone cradled on her right ear!  Not to mention, this woman had two screaming children strapped in the back seat and a petrified passenger by her side.

Before you go and blast me for writing a post about how awful women drivers are, and all that crap, I will stop you...because you are completely correct.  That's exactly what I'm going to write. And, I have no problem furthering an awful and archaic stereotype--because I am writing about my wife!  And that petrified passenger I told you about--that was me!

I am asking the police to stop this woman at once!!! Although Mrs. Homemaker shows an uncanny agility and an undeniable ability to multi-task behind the wheel of her grocery getter, she is scaring the fucking shit out of me!!!  I have always had a slight inkling that my wife is trying to kill me because I am heavily insured, and after this morning's drive my assumptions have proven true.  She may not actually be trying to have me offed in an auto "accident"--but she for damn sure is trying to scare me to death with her stunt like suburban driving escapades. There's the near collisions, the harrowing turns, the countless curbs, and just a general sense of reckless abandon that my wife passes off with an air of "obliviousness'' behind the wheel that may be real or manufactured.  It is now my educated guess that it is the latter.

Here's the evidence.  First, her van comes manufacturer's equipped with a dozen cup holders.  Yes--a fucking DOZEN!!!  Yet, the Mrs. refuses to use one and insists on holding her hot "foo foo" morning drink while navigating the steering wheel.  Secondly, my wife has me as a passenger.  I would be happy to hold her chocolate chip muffin top for her.  She claims some shit that I would eat the whole thing.  So she refuses to hand it over while behind the wheel.  I know she is full of it, because everyone in the baking world knows that I like the stump of the muffin much better.  The third piece of evidence: my better half owns a blue tooth--and refrains from using it!  I know that she owns one because I begged her mother to get her one for Christmas--because I feared some sort of phone related traffic incident.  The last article of evidence: Mrs. Homemaker has two perfectly good eyes--that she simply will not put on the road.  Good God Almighty, if my wife would just look forward when she drives, I may be able to save some embarrassment and underpants from all the shitting I do while in the passenger seat!

There it is.  That is the case.  My evidence is overwhelming, and I am quite sure any jury of my peers would find me credible and rule in my favor.  However until my wife actually does kill me through her driving--I have no case.  Perhaps an "attempted murder" conviction could be pursued, but I've seen Law & Order and I know that shit never really sticks until there's a body.  

So, this Domestic God will once again impassionately plea to the local authorities:  HELP ME!!!  My wife has a black van with the license plate number "HUB E KILLR".  If you see her whizzing through a coffee shop drive thru or meandering dangerously through a Bed Bath & Beyond, Target, Kohl's, or Wal-Mart parking lot--you must use all the force at your disposal to apprehend her!!!

I thank the local authorities and it is my wish that you are able to stop this societal menace before she can strike.  I hope to be back writing soon--but I am in fear for my life, because my family and I are heading out to the mall!!!  

Pray for me and my survival,

Little Moby Homemaker "Domestic God"



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