Little Moby Homemaker: Domestic God

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You need a f---ing army if you gonna take me to Toy Story 3!

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Moby Homemaker

I am an out of work "At Home Dad" who has risen from the ashes like an overweight, over worked, under paid phoenix to become a "Domestic God"

This Domestic God was unceremoniously awoken today by his overly exuberant 8-year-old and 5-year-old.  This morning, Colton and Little Rusty were more rambunctious than usual, and they soon told me why.  The weeks of anticipation (and non-stop commercials) were over--apparently "Toy Story 3" was out...in 3-D!!!

This was a huge summer deal for them.  For me, it meant little to nothing.  Truth be told--I have never, ever seen a Pixar movie.  Of course, I am aware of them, but I also take pride in admitting the fact that I have not once been witness to one of these faux cartoons.  I have never seen a Shrek, an Ice Age, a Madagascar, Cars ,or a Toy Story.  In my world, "Nemo" is the guy who delivers me my piping hot pizza from a nearby Italian restaurante.

There are those who have questioned my commitment to parenting by not attending these films with my sons.  To them, I say, "bullocks."  As my 8-year-old son shoved the show times in my face, I read that these movies cost $10 a ticket PLUS a $5 "3-D Experience" charge.  $15 bucks per kid to see some shit movie???  Fuck that.  I can more than sufficiently love and entertain my kids--without dropping $30 plus treats. I advised my sons to work on their mother--she's weak.

I then pulled the boys up into my bed and surfed the channel guide for some more poignant entertainment.  Thank heaven for cable!   I was able to show my children some classics for just about $2 a day!  Thanks to AMC, my sons and I were able to cheer on Ray Liotta as Henry Hill in a more kid friendly version of "Goodfellas."  Little Rusty now loves to ask me, "Am I a clown?  Do I amuse you? What's so flippin' funny about me?" Priceless.  And his older brother agrees, that Billy Batts deserved to be beaten to death...because he was "not very polite" to Tommy.  Of course, we all could agree that it is perfectly acceptble  and frankly the right thing to do, to pistol whip a guy who tries to assault your grilfriend.  Oh, I forgot, Colton loves to make Little Rusty do the "Spider Dance".

After the watered down Scorsese classic, we found that TBS was showing the Brian De Palma epic, "Scarface".  Now this one was bit long for the boys.  But TBS did a masterful job in making the bathroom chainsaw scene not only palatable for little ones--but they made it fun!  Little Rusty just loves to swagger around our house with a golf club in his arm saying, "Say hello to my little friend!" Colton has even been able to incorporate the term "mang" into most sentences.  After watching "Scarface", both boys agreed that they never want a sister.

Our long day of kid friendly entertainment alternatives to Pixar ended when A&E showed back to back episodes of "The Sopranos".  God bless A&E for making the necessary changes that allowed my 8-year-old and 5-year-old to learn that you never buckle on giving a higher percentage to New York, and you simply don't give up your cousin to a prick like Phil Leotardo.  In fact, Colton pointed out that "Phil" was a "jerk" in "Goodfellas" and deserves to "get his" at the hands of Tony and his buddies.  Colton is going to love the finale!!!  I'm also touched that by being able to watch "The Sopranos" on A&E, my sons learned some valuable social lessons.  Pixar has never taught anyone that although you kill someone early in an episode--gangster or not, you can still find a loving, shirtless relationship with a butch fry cook later in the same episode.  And how else would my sons learn that "gentleman's clubs" like the "Bada Bing" are legitimate businesses that allow single mothers an opportunity to earn money and be productive members of society, despite the incredible challenges they face--without A&E???

So, I again, applaud cable networks for providing me the chance to view these classics with my small children.  Sure, Burger King will never have a "Donnie Brasco" toy in their kid's meal, but will Tom Hanks and that old dude from "Home Improvement" be able to really teach my kids life lessons--that they will actually use???  Cable has afforded this Domestic God a platform to show his sons that there is far more to life than computerized animation.  And what the hell, when they re-release "Reservoir Dogs" in 3-D, I'm sure that I'll drop the $30 for the "3-D Experience" and take the kids.

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2 Comments

Daisy said:

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Apparently you're a fan of gangster movies. HA HA! We went to see Toy Story 3. It was great! Very funny. Although, parts at the end made me cry. We went on "buy one ticket get one free" night at our little small town theater. A regular ticket is just $6.oo. So six bucks got two people in which is a pretty good deal. We didn't have the 3-D option though.

John Hammerle said:

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I understand not wanting to see Ice Age, Madagascar, and the like, but you are seriously doing yourself a disservice by avoiding the Pixar movies. They are the only studio producing quality films on a yearly basis (aside from Cars - you can skip that one). I understand wanting to give the kids a real film education - and Goodfellas is certainly a great place to start, but as much as I enjoy Scarface, Toy Story 3 beats it by a mile. Toy Story 3 really is that good, and to dump on it like you do in this post is - if not idiotic - certainly uninformed.

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