Little Moby Homemaker: Domestic God

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Caught in Bed With.....Bath & Beyond

Moby Homemaker

I am an out of work "At Home Dad" who has risen from the ashes like an overweight, over worked, under paid phoenix to become a "Domestic God"

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I hate to share this kind  of personal information and gossip through cyberspace like this, but I  think my wife is having an affair, and I know who she is having it with-- Bed Bath & Beyond.

I started noticing that when it got kind of crazy around here, (you know kids screaming, fighting whining, etc.), my better half would inevitably ask something like, "Do we need new bath soap?" or she would start mumbling that our bed's duvet was "worn out".  Of course, we are invariably out of everything consumable, and pretty much anything else we have is broken, about to be broken or worn out.  So, my wife's muses were usually looked on by me as just simple day-to-day home and family "upkeep".

This changed one Saturday mid-morning.  I was napping--yes, an actual miracle occurred right in our very home.  And this wasn't one of those bullshit miracles like when the Virgin Mary is found in a Frito chip, or David Blaine reads a stripper's mind on a tv special--I'm talking real deal Divine Intervention/Hand of God stuff--I got a mid-morning nap!  But, I digress...

My wife awoke me from my rarest of rare slumbers to let me know she "had to run a couple errands".  She indicated that she would be leaving our two young sons with me while she made this excursion.  Once I came to, I realized that she had been to the grocery store last evening. I thought everything had been covered.  I chased her down the stairs and asked what her destinations were going to be.  She didn't answer me.  I hate when people don't f'n answer me...I mean, I really hate it. So now my questioning turned into  progressively louder and more annoying badgering.

As she put on her winter coat, my spouse turned to me and said, "There is supposed to be a HUGE winter storm tonight and I am getting supplies."  "Supplies???", I asked.  "We've got enough food for a week, I got gas for the snow blower, we've got water, necessary medications, a couple of DVD's from the library and a case and a half of beer-what the hell could we possibly need?"  She answered as serious as I have ever seen her, "We need a new dishwashing wand because the old one is 'gooky' and a new scented candle, so I am heading to Bed Bath & Beyond".

I politely asked Mrs. Homemaker..."Are you fucking kidding me???  Those are the emergency supplies that our family will so desperately need when we are trapped in our abode for maybe 3-4 full hours after a ten inch snowfall??"

Noting the overwhelming absurdity of her explanation, and quickly catching on to the fact that I was on to her ruse, she laughed and came clean.

She told me, "Sometimes I just like to go out, get away from you guys and walk the aisles of my favorite stores.  It relaxes me and gives me time to clear my head."

Wow, how melancholy and sweet did my bride sound?  I kind of understood her.  I guess, it sounded somewhat logical--weird, but logical. Except, if this Domestic God did what, "relaxed me and cleared my head" in the aisles of BB&B--I would surely be arrested.

My wife carried on her "tryst" and went to Bed Bath and Beyond.  I went back upstairs and instead of falling back into my miracle coma, I began a secret and torrid liason of my own...with SoapNet's "Breakfast In Bed".



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1 Comment

Daisy said:

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Ah, the lure of the BB&B is a very strong one indeed. I like to go in there and just stand there and smell the air. It really is an amazing place. Your wife's affair is completely understandable. No one in their right mind would use a "gooky" dishwashing wand after all.

A nap?!! Seriously, you got to take a nap!? Wow! That's amazing! I hope you called the Pope or somebody to report that! :-D

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