Little Moby Homemaker: Domestic God

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A Vengeful and Pissy Domestic God

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Moby Homemaker

I am an out of work "At Home Dad" who has risen from the ashes like an overweight, over worked, under paid phoenix to become a "Domestic God"

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This morning, this Domestic God was unceremoniously awoken from his Sunday slumber.  And it wasn't for the usual crap, like going to church...uggh.  No, my Sunday began with my extremely angry wife crowing about something she had found on the absolute bane of our societal existence, Facebook.

My better half, the lovely Mrs. Homemaker, is a decorated  and respected middle school teacher.  She is really good at her job and takes it far more seriously than I think she should!  She is one of those teachers you see in those feel good stories on the local evening news.  You know, the pieces about the unparalleled dedication to the students and the school, and all that kind of crap.

This being known, one could only imagine what her reaction might be when she found a  Facebook page dedicated to "How To Disrupt Mrs. Homemaker's Class" (clever title, huh?).  The page was started by current students and some recently passed ones.  In truth, I found the concept pretty damn funny; but as The Mrs. read the posts on it to me, the tone became more vicious, slanderous and just factually untrue.  There was even stuff about me and my kids on there--I don't even know these tweeny little bastards!

Once it became apparent that this Facebook page was more than a simple joke and it became an assault on her abilities, reputation and professionalism; my wife took all the proper steps.  She contacted her school administrators, she contacted Facebook and she contacted our pit bull attorney.  Although she may be a bit hurt by the lies and mean spirit of some of the posts-Mrs. Homemaker is a true, consummate professional.

However, Little Moby Homemaker is not.  So, I will now take this time and forum to respond to the postings of these stupid, little teenage fuckers--as only Moby Homemaker can.

To Shannon Hamilten (8th grade, 2nd hour), who so eloquently wrote, "Mrs. Homemaker was asleep and didn't see a knife fight going on right in front of her desk":

Shannon, I've seen your school and the kids who attend it. You're a group of wiry, little, farm town, wannabe gangstas.  You guys have all the swagger and street cred of Justin fucking Beiber. My wife, at 5'3", towers over most of you little punks, and I know for a fact she could kick your little asses. (I've seen her slap a ho down in college).  I highly doubt there was a knife battle within your school. Get your facts straight.  And, here is an accurate fact;  your mother is bat shit crazy drunk.  Oh, and don't think that the whole school staff doesn't know that you routinely go to third base with Mikey Farmer and  Whitey Greer on the bus home.

William Bardy (7th Grade , 4th hour) who used his writing skills to pen, "I skip Mrs. Homemaker's class ALL the time and she doesn't have a clue that we are partying!".

Hey Billy, you're in seventh fucking grade.  If you were actually able to "skip class" (without the benefit of a car, no less) and were able to "party", I don't think it could go much further than smoking Parliaments and exchanging handys with your pals.  Incidentally, your dad showed up to parent teacher conferences clearly in the midst of a four-day meth binge and he tried to grab my wife's ass.  Trust me, if I see that tweaker daddy of yours at the Alligator Bar--I will jam my Sketcher sneaker (that no man my age should ever be wearing) up his scrawny rear.

Bertha Smith (8th Grade, 6th hour) penned this piece of brilliance, "Mrs. Homemaker sucks and is a shitty teacher, she is uncompetent."

Bertha, you got a fat girl's name and in my professional opinion, you are projecting your anger at your mother  for naming you "Bertha" on to your teacher. I realize it must be difficult since you can't really project on your daddy because he's in jail for armed robbery. (I learned that shizz on Dr. Drew--pretty good, huh?) You need to drop the hate, honey.  Also, you may want to ask your mom why she is referred to as "Ms. 4th Input" around town.  I'm a pretty sick bastard and have no idea what a "4th input" could be???  Perhaps, she will be able to "competently teach" you some things that you will undoubtedly need to know in the profession you are truly destined for.  In case you didn't understand all of that--I called your mommy and you a "whore" and a "whore in waiting", respectively.

Finally, Toby Reynelds (8th Grade, 7th hour) said;  "Mrs. Homemaker reaks and I don't care about her shitty kids that she tells stories about".

Although you are half right Toby, our kids can be pretty shitty; I know for a fact that my bride showers DAILY.  Something else you may not be aware of, young Toby--the only reason you have any friends is because your mom is a hot mess of a wino coke whore who conveniently "forgets" to wear panties when she wears mini skirts.  Toby, you are universally viewed as an annoying prick by your peers, but your mother is a real fan favorite on the net and on your classmates' cell phones!  And here's a little insult to injury, you sawed off little puke;  Bobby Beers told the whole class you pissed the bed at his birthday sleepover and that you got a boner looking at a gay porno magazine on the class trip to Capital City.  I think you're really going to love high school, Toby!

I could go on and on, but my wife's lawyer has instructed me to cease and desist this posting right now. So, I will comply with his directions.  I do, however, look forward to suing each of these teenage a-holes' parents.  And, I cannot express to you how much personal enjoyment I will take in recouping their hillrod trampolines, their backwoods ATVs and  their dial-up ready laptops as compensatory and punitive damages.

To those of you who feel that I may have taken this "cyber joke" too far and crossed a line--blow me, this Domestic God is a vengeful and pissy God.  These little shits' actions awoke me on a Sunday morning--I need my beauty rest!

Finally, to my spectacular wife (who for some reason, forgives these little mutants--and their parents), keep on keepin' on.  And see--I told you, other peoples' kids really do suck.

Whoa!!  That felt good--better than meditation OR working out!!!!  In case I missed anything, or you know anything else about these juvenile cyber delinquents;  you can e-mail me at:mobyhomemaker@gmail.com.

In case you need to reach my lawyer he can be reached at: barryzuckercorn.com.

Editor's Note:
**Mrs. Homemaker DOES NOT approve of this posting as it is embellished for a "Hollywood" effect.**


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2 Comments

Fan of the Man said:

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that was hilarious! middle school kids are dipshits by nature, so calling them out by name is a good life lesson

Sex and the Single Dad said:

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As the father of a seventh grader I can say that they can be real douche bags. Sorry to hear about your wife, but this was kinda funny. Actually, really funny!!!

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