Little Moby Homemaker: Domestic God

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Dish Washing: My Domestic Jumble

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Moby Homemaker

I am an out of work "At Home Dad" who has risen from the ashes like an overweight, over worked, under paid phoenix to become a "Domestic God"

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There is no doubt, no matter how much we may hate it, that during your rise to Domestic Godliness you will do the dishes. Much like the laundry and the mail, dirty dishes NEVER stop.  As I write this entry, I am staring at a pile of pots and pans, bowls and plates, Tupperware and cups, and silverware--a profusion of knives, forks and spoons.

I noticed early on in my spell as Domestic God, that there is a cross-section of people who simply don't give a shit about dirty dishes.  Apparently, three of these types of thinkers live in my very home.  I'm not going to mention any names, but I an NOT one of them.  In days of yore these people may be considered "slobs", but thanks to tv shows like "Clean House", we now call these types of people "messy" and in need of our help.  By the way, have you seen this fucking "Clean House" show???   It's on some channel called Style Network.  Not to get too off topic, but, the premise of the show is that Deputy Raineesha Williams from "Reno 911" finds the messiest homes in America.  Instead of ridiculing these people and using the power of a low rated cable outlet to ostracize them from society, Deputy Williams brings in cleaning crews to dig out the "messy" house from filth, sell off useless junk in a yard sale, and redesign the home.  If "Trading Spaces" and "Hoarders" had hot monkey love and produced a bastard child--"Clean House" would be it.

This show is unreal.  Finally, proof positive, that our society now rewards people for being completely irresponsible assholes.  Maybe I'm just jealous, maybe I want Deputy Jones and her crew of minions to help save me!  Wait, a Domestic God would never let his castle to turn into such a horrifying mess!  But, a little help would be nice.  Perhaps a "roadie" could periodically come around and pick up plates from the family room, or the piled up bowls in the basement or the sippy cup in my goddamned bed!  Or, here's a better idea--maybe the people who left them there could rinse and wash those dishes themselves!!! That idea has proven too difficult in our home, so I have taken the dirty dish reigns.  We wouldn't want a "messy house" now would we?

Domestic Deity sometimes calls for making "lemonade out of lemons".  That is a such a ninny cliché, but it is true.  So, what I have done is transformed  a loathsome task like doing the dishes into a game; like a puzzle or the "jumble" you see in the back of the newspaper.   What I do is, I take the pile of dirty dishes, open the dishwasher and attempt to get as many dishes in the washer as possible.  I am sure that this practice is not approved by the good folks at Maytag; but screw 'em, they have never seen the sheer  daily dish volume  that I do.

My dish washing " jumble" game is a combination of speed, endurance and puzzle solving.  My record: 248 pieces in one load. Our dishwasher is a modest one--so I defy anyone to beat it.  This record feat didn't come easy.  I suffered a lacerated finger and a sore back. But, I pressed through. I was in the zone.  I could see three and four moves ahead--crockpot on the top shelf, glasses below, Tupperware wedged in between. Everything just fit.  And after the wash cycle was complete; every piece was cleaned--no rewashing necessary. I contacted Guinness about the world record.  They told me there was no such record and that they were not interested.  I'll give them a pass-their beer is really tasty.

As in life, Domestic Deity sometimes requires you to do things you don't always like.  Doing the dishes is one of those things.  I say embrace it.  Make it your own.  Have some fun with the mundane.  In the end, it could be worse... it actually beats watching an episode of "Clean House" with your wife.

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2 Comments

Lauren Strec said:

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I would take on your challenge, but I don't have a full house and I think I'd have to wait a week to accumulate 249 pieces. ;) This entry is featured on today's Hot on ChicagoNow:"
http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/hot-on-chicagonow/2010/04/hot-on-chicagonow-april-26-2010.html

Daisy said:

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"maybe the people who left them there could rinse and wash those dishes themselves"

I have tried unsuccessfully to implement that rule in my house too. It didn't fly. What's worse, our dishwasher clanked to a grinding halt, and we had to have it removed. So I'm stuck washing them by hand for now until we can afford a new machine. And no one else, besides me, in my family is bothered by the trail of plates and cups that they leave behind them. Aargh!

I think Guinness should have given you the world record recognition you deserve!! HA!

Great post, Moby!

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