OBIT: Chicago Bears 2009-2010

The 2009 Chicago Bears, a National Football League franchise, have passed away from playoff contention. The Bears are 89 years old.

Future NFL Hall of Fame candidate Brett Favre was on hand in Minneapolis, Minnesota to announce the Bears' time of death, 6:23 p.m. CST. Mr. Favre listed the official cause of death as "537 yards of total offense allowed," but Bears' authorities are still investigating.

The Chicago Bears began as the Decatur Staleys in 1920. The team won its first World Championship in 1921. By 1963, the Bears won seven more championship titles. But most notably, the 1985 Bears captured both Chicago's and the country's heart, on their way to a win in Super Bowl XX and the creation of the best-selling "Super Bowl Shuffle."

The 2009 Chicago Bears began with promise, after the trade and signing of Pro Bowl quarterback Jay Cutler. Cutler, a fly-by-night gunslinger entering his fourth year in the National Football League, started slow with four interceptions and never recovered, throwing a career high 20 picks. In lieu of flowers, Cutler's family requests a donation be made toward bottle service at Sub 51 (51 W. Hubbard St., Chicago).

Chicago's star linebacker Brian Urlacher spent most of the season on injured reserve with a wrist ailment. The news of the team's passing hurt the veteran hard. He has requested to keep his bright pink cast affixed to his arm permanently, hoping to sustain its aphrodisiacal effects well into the after-football life.

The 2009 Chicago Bears were coached by Lovie Smith. While maligned by the fan base and post-game shows across the city, coach Smith will best be remembered for bringing the team to a Super Bowl in 2006. Also, Bears' fans will never have to worry about cementing Coach Smith in statue form outside the stadium. They will forever have the image of his stotic, blank stare burned into their memories, a face that became the symbol of the 2009 Chicago Bears.

The 2009 Chicago Bears are survived by owner Virginia McCaskey, president Ted Phillips, and general manager Jerry Angelo.

Visitation will be held on Sundays at various locations across the country through January 3, 2010. A funeral service / press conference is tentatively scheduled on January 4, 2010 at Halas Hall in Lake Forest, IL.