Game thread Archives

Stop it! Stop it, you brute!

Even though Derrek Lee has gone to a galaxy far, far away, I'm still holding out hope for a really good fight before this season is over.  It would be especially fun with the noodle-armed Chris Young on the mound. Maybe this time, he'll actually land a punch.

Only 5 more games to go until we're mercifully put out of our misery. Let's suffer thought them together, shall we?

Game time: 9:05 pm CT

Channel: CSN

Pitchers: Randy Wells (8-13, 4.28) v. Chris Young (1-0, 1.20)

Lineup:

Fukudome RF
Casto SS
Byrd CF
Ramirez 3B
Nady 1B
Soriano LF
DeWitt 2B
Hill C
Wells P

Um yeah, so there's a Bear Cubs game on tonight or something.

Big Z is pitching.

They're playing someone in the NL West.

Pads, maybe?

Um. .  game is at 9:05 pm CT.

On WGN.

Oh, and because the Pads are only half a game back, this game has huge playoff implications. Or something.

Um. .  so . . . yeah.

I'll be watching the Bears.

Bear down!

Game time: 9:05 pm CT

Channel: WGN

Pitchers: Carlos Zambrano v. Matt Stauffer

Lineup:

RF Fuke
SS Castro
CF Byrd
3B Ramy
1B Nady
LF Sori
2B DeWitt
C Hill
P Zambrano

Until next year.

When you think about it, it's pretty fitting that Jeff Samardzija is closing out the home season at Wrigley.  After all, some of us started the season with such high hopes. And what have we been reduced to? Considering Jeff Samardzija for the starting rotation.

It's such a perfect way to sum up the entire season. And what we've all been reduced to.

What's more, for those of you who were on board the "Bob Brenly For Manager" express (I'm looking at you, Alex Quigley), your bus has been impounded: 

I've got myu doubts about this one, kids.

Then again, it's not like we have months in which to schedule a makeup game.

As for the game, I have nothing to say, except let's try to not to get anyone killed. I'm looking at you, Wellington.

I'll be real honest here.

 By the time the game rolled around last night, I was about a bottle and a half of wine into my evening and in no shape to be allowed anywhere near a computer. So for those of you who were disappointed by the lack of a game thread, I apologize. It will make you feel better to know that I am paying for it today.

But hey! It looks like we won!

Dempster threw seven shutout innings for the second straight start, allowing four hits in another sterling performance. He earned his 14th victory, and likely has three starts remaining to give him a chance to tie his career high of 17 in 2008.

The Cubs' starting pitching has been on fire during the first seven games of the nine-game trip, allowing three earned runs over 48 1/3 innings for a 0.56 ERA.

"The mix has been good," manager Mike Quade said. "The veterans have done a nice job, the kids, I think, have gotten better, especially the kids in the middle of the bullpen. I can't pinpoint any one thing, but we've pitched really good on this trip and there's no better place to start when you're going to win ballgames than on the mound."

There are a lot of other boring headlines today, like "Barney Showing He Can Play" (zzzz) and "Cubs Counting on Castro, Colvin, Cashner" (duh). So let's not bother with those.

How can anyone say "ball" to this face?

 I'm on my way out the door to (yet another) pee wee football event. I would be upset about missing so many Cubs games if the Cubs weren't so unwatchable.

But for those who find them less-unwatchable than I do, consider this your highly-entertaining game thread.

 Game time: 7:05 pm CT

Channel: CSN +

Pitchers: Brett Myers (10-7, 3.02) v. Randy "Boom Boom" Wells (6-12, 4.56)

And your Chicago Cubs winning lineup is:

DeWitt 2B, Castro SS, Byrd CF, Nady 1B, Colvin RF, Soto C, Soriano LF, Barney 3B, Wells P

What? No Samardzija? How upsetting.

Buck up kids, only 23 more games to go until we're out of our misery. In the interim, enjoy this amusing parody of a beloved childhood movie.

I feel obligated to include a Quade photo in every game thread until we lose. Which very well could be tonight, seeing as how Quade decided to mess with a winning lineup.

Tonight's looks like this:

Fukudome RF
Castro SS
Byrd CF
Ramirez 3B
Hoffpauir 1B
Soriano LF
Dewitt 2B
Soto C
Dempster P

Get rid of that stupid corkscrew swing and I'll make it worth your while...

What promises did Mike Quade make to inspire our formerly-lackluster Cubbies to greatness this evening last? We can only speculate. But one thing is for sure: it didn't involve hair care products.

Speaking of hair care, does Carlos still have the frosted tips? Or did those go the way of goodwill amongst teammates this summer? At any rate, Carlos (4-6, 4.97)and his (possibly-frosted) tips will take on John Lannan (5-5, 5.13) tonight at Nationals Park.

 Look.

I've given up on winning.

I've given up on spoiling.

I've given up on playing decent baseball.

I've given up on developing young players,  humiliating the Padres, and beating the Pirates.

I've given up on this season.

I've given up on next season.

I've given up on getting my money's worth in tickets. I've given up hope that the Cubs will ever handle Big Z.

I've given up on

a lot.

All I want now is one spectacular brawl, with Baker throwing sissy-punches and Z waving his belt over his head like an inmate escaped from the asylum, and Lou watching it all, bored, from the dugout.

I don't thin that's too much to ask for.

It's so haaaaaaaaaard, to say goodbyyyyyyyyyyyye, to yesterdaaaaaaaa-AAAAAAAAAY"

Before everyone has a coronary, here's what we know as of right now:

The Cubs and Braves have an agreement in principal that contemplates DLee to the Braves for prospects.

Some media outlets have reported that DLee is willing to waive his no-trade clause.

Derrek is not

in the lineup today.

So as of right now, we're at DefCon 3: close, but no cigar.

For now, we're in wait-and-see mode.

Even though I'm supposed to be working, I'm hitting "refresh" on Twitter every 5 seconds to keep everyone updated.

Turning to today's game, we've got Caseyu Coleman v.  Clayton Richard. We've also got a 5-game home losing streak and the fact that we haven't scored a run on the Padres yet.

We've also got a really young lineup taking the field today. Me likey: 

Ladies and Gentlemen, People of the Great State of illinois, I stand here before you and say, from the bottom of my heart. . .

WHEW! Thank God that's over, ammiright?

If I had to spend one more day listening to whichever one of the Adamses smells like mothballs going on and on and on about tthat trial thing, without even letting me get a word in edgewise, I was REALLY going to do something they could lock me up for!

Now that everyone in Illinois, American, and indeed the entire world has been witnsess to the Judge saying I did nothing wrong, how about we play some baseball?

I know the Cubs have had a tough time without me this summer. I haven't been able to call and give advice to my good friend, Lou Piniella, as I like to do, because I've been stuck in small rooms talking to lawyers all day. But now that even the U.S. Goverment has admitted that I'm completely innocent of every charge brought against me, I'll have plenty of time to help Lou turn this thing around.

First thing's first: Get Ryan Theriot back. I don't know what Jim Hendry was thinking, but Ryan Theriot was the best thing to happen to this team in last 10 years. He's gritty, all hustle, and there's not an ounce of quit in that kid. Kinda like me. I never quit on myself, my family, or the People of This Great State of Illinois. In fact, I might even sue Obama for wrongful imprisonment, if I can do it without having to spend all my time talking to lawyers and judges. Unless, of course, Obama apologizes to me. On national TV. And gives me a cabinet position.

I'd also accept and ambassadorship, but I want to go someplace GOOD, No Tonga or Mowgli or whatever the hell those godforsaken places are called. I'm taking London, Paris, Hong Kong, RIO.

I mean, I've got this wrongful prosecution thing wired, it's f*cking golden, and I'm not just going to let it go for nothing.

Ammiright?

 Now that we've taken 2-3 from the lofty Cardinals, it's time to climb back in this thing. After all, we're only 17 games back--what's 17 games with 6 weeks of the season left?

As you can see, Marmol is fired up and ready to go. Too bad he only gets to pitch in the 9th inning.

Tonight the Cubs take on the Padres at beautiful and historic Wrigley Field. Tom Gorzelanny (6-6, 3.65) will take the hill for the Cubs, which is odd, because he should be pitching tomorrow for Polish Heritage Night. Speaking of which, I got a very nice press release for Polish Heritage Night. However, it is in Polish, so I have no idea what the details are

Anyway, Kevin Correia (9-7, 4.86) will pitch for the Padres.

Meanwhile, I continue my quest to see ONE SINGLE FREAKIN' CUBS FIGHT this season. Let's face it, there's really nothing left to see. There's no post-season to look forward to, no big trades on the horizon. The rookies continue to be great on some days and lousy on others, as rookies are wont to do.

Only the hope of reliving the image of a t-shirted, beltless Carlos Zambrano racing out of the clubhouse, weilding his belt high over his head, hell-bent on defending Derrek Lee's honor against Chris Young, keeps me going this season.

Or, if not that, something kinda like it.

Alas, we can't all be members of the self-appointed "best fans in baseball." Especially those of us who know how to spell "morons." Or who think that fact that 90% of a team has a DUI is a problem. Or who have all our teeth. Or Joe Buck.

But even though we're a lesser quality of fan, we can still enjoy the mere proximity of being so close to baseball greatness tonight when the Cubs take on the Cards at the self-appointed "best stadium in baseball." With the self-appointed "Delicate Genius."

Come to think of it, there's a lot of self-agrandizing going on down there in the Lou, which I guess makes sense. God knows no one else is going to agrandize them.

Carrie Muskat has reported that the next in line of Cubs phenom rookies, Darwin Barney, has arrived in San Francisco, grabbed a donut (no word on filling or icing), and signed his contract with the Cubs.

Until we get a photo of Barney, we'll have to go with this.

Alas, the future Hall-Of-Famer isn't in the starting lineup tonight. Oh Cubs, why must you tease us so? How much longer until we get to see the all-rookie lineup?

Today's matchup features Randy Wells (5-10, 4.37) against Cubs killer Matt Cain (9-9, 3.06). At least, it WILL feature Wells until about the third inning, when he'll be lifted for one of the Berg/Russell combo . . . followed by the other one. As Adam stated today, a good tip for telling Berg and Russell apart is that Berg is usually the one on the mound when the loss becomes official.

Or is that Russell?

 There's no denying that there's no joy in Cubville right now. For the first time in a long time, the Cubs were sellers at the trade deadline. Then they barely "sold" anybody. We're still stuck with a bunch of aging, contract-heavy, not-particularly-likeable veterans who have done little to lead this team anywhere except 10 games out of contention.

We've got a lame-duck manager, an unruly "ace" fresh off anger management, and a front office who seems have been dragged into the 21st century kicking and screaming. We're facing several years of rebuilding.

In short, it ain't fun to be a Cubs fan these days.

But wait! Before you move into Pessimist Pub permanently and drink yourself under the table, there are still reasons for Cubs fans to be happy. Specifically, I came up with FIVE WHOLE REASONS. The least you can do is hear me out.

5. Silva is out of the starting rotation: In fact, Silva was placed on the DL today after being released from a hospital in Denver. While we're all glad that Silva appears to be okay after the heart scare last night, I don't think any of us are too sad about not having to watch him regress the rest of the way to the mean. Right? Right.

4. More Kids! Bust out your sippy cups and fire up the Elmo DVDs, because more kids are on the way. Today, the Cubs called up minor leaguers Casey Coleman and Thomas Diamond from Triple-A Iowa to replace Lilly and Silva in the starting rotation. Of course, I would have enjoyed seeing Wells and Gorzelanny replaced in the rotation much more, but we can't look a gift horse in the mouth.

It's been nice.

OH MY GOD, IS THIS THE LAST TIME WE'LL SEE TED LILLY IN A CUBS UNIFORM?!?!?!?!

Does anyone else feel like we've been saying that every time he's pitched for the last 6 weeks?

Tonight Ted takes the mound for what could be his last time in a Cubs uniform. The guy who should be scared to death to tread on the same mound as the guy who took down Yadier Molina? Brett Myers.

Say your prayers, wabbit.

Game time: 7:05 pm CT

Channel: WGN

Lineup:

rf colvin
ss castro
1b lee
3b ramirez
cf byrd
lf soriano
2b theriot
c hill
p lilly

Let's go Cubs!

It's a big day here in Cubdom. First, everyone's favorite player with bionic knees, Andre Dawson, gets inducted into the Hall of Fame. Tonight, the Cubs have a shot at sweeping the first place Cards. Not only that, but we *might* get our first Miller/Morgan-free game tonight! Then again, with Cubs fans' luck, ESPN hired some supersonic jet to get Miller and Morgan back to Chicago in timne for the game. 

If you missed Andre's Hall-of-Fame speech, you can check out the post below, where I live-blogged the entire HOF ceremony. However, this was my favorite part:

"From my heart, thank you Cubs fans. You are a true blessing in my life. I never knew what it felt like to be loved by a city until I arrived in Chicago. And though it wasn't my way to show it, I can't tell you whatit meant to me. You were the reason I kept playing baseball. You were the wind between the Hawk's wind.  . . . In 1987 I was thinking of giving up baseball, or playing in Japan.  had to find a place where baseball was fun again. I found that place in Wrigley Field."

Also, if you missed Doug Harvey's speech, do yourself a favor and find it online. It was, in my opinion, the best HOF speech ever. Really.

 Now that the soul-sucking first half of the season is over and we've taken 3 out of 4 from the defending NLCS champions, we can forget all this silly talk about trading Ted Lilly and concentrate more on winning the division. And trading Ryan Theriot.

And now it's coming true.

Don't forget, people, I once killed a bird with my mind.

If you're inclined to watch the Cubs as we roll over the lowly Astros on our way to the top of the NL Central and the postseason, you'll be interested to know that Cy Young Candidate Carlos Silva (9-3, 3.45) will take on perennial Cub-killer Wandy Rodriguez (6-11, 4.97). Can Silva get his ERA below 1.00? With the likes of Jeff Baker and Aramis "Butterfingers" Ramirez playing behind him, how could he NOT?

If you're not inclined, feel free to go to bed and we'll tell you what happened tomorrow. We will NOT, however, try to recreate the magic for you. You snooze, you lose.

Meet tonight's cleanup hitter.

It's a question I ponder fairly often:

Why do we continue to watch?

I mean, really. Few things in my life have been more painful than watching this Cubs team play on a daily/nightly basis. Child birth comes to mind, as does that time I got dry sockets after I had my wisdom teeth pulled. Then there's watching this team try to play baseball,. Then comes the time I got headbutted in the nose and knocked unconscious.

And yet.

Every day, we all wake up, check the Cubs headlines, and start talking about this team. How far out of it are we? Can we make up any ground? Is it time to blow this team up? Who should be prime trade bait? How are the minions doing down on the farm?

And so I wonder: what is it about this team (or us) that renders us so unable to walk away and forget them until next year? To this end, I've compiled a list of guesses:

10. It's either the Cubs game or "America's Got Talent."

9. We're waiting for the inevitable moment that Lou completley loses his sh*t and is carted off, babbling and drooling, to the old folks' home.

8. Because it's there.

7. After a summer of watching uncoordinated imbeciles fall off large rubber obects on "Wipeout," watching Ryan Theriot get caught stealing looks like pure athletic excellence.

Photo courtesy Chicago Tribune

As you guys can probably tell, I'm not having the easiest of days here.

But my day is in marked contrst with Fonzie's night, in which he hit the holy hell (that's a technical term, look it up) out of the ball.

For the first time in ages, the Cubs looked like a real, honest-to-God baseball team. With hitting and pitching and fielding and everything! And, (you may want to sit down for this one), they have a chance to win the series today. AGAINST THE PIRATES! I KNOW I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT, EITHER!

Due to my aforementioned bad day, we were forced to skip this morning's headlines. However, to stay current on the state of the trainwreck at the corner of Clark and Addison, you should know the following: Ernie defends Big Z (kinda), Ted Pitched a Gem of a Doozey last night, and the Cubs have called up James Russell and a "Jeff Russell" from AAA Iowa.

I suspect that last one might be an attempt to sneak Samardzija into the pen under an assumed name.

So today's the rubber match against the Pirates. We might win 2-1; we might lose 50-0. It's really hard to say with this team.

"My favorite French existentialist? Jean Paul Sarrrrrrrrtre!"

I'm a bit late this evening. My deepest apologies.

Tonight, the Cubs will try AGAIN to beat the Pirates, one of the worst teams in baseball, who were the proud owners of a 17-game road losing streak until. . .  well, until last night.

Ted Lilly is on the mound for the Cubs, and he's sporting a sparkling 2-runs in support from his teammates per outing. It's a good thing Z went nuts on his teammates first, because it was only a matter of time before Ted went over the edge. And he's WAY scarier than Z.

If you didn't get a chance to vote in my super-fun 7th-inning stretch poll, please do so. I put this up last night after a represenative from the Cubs front office advised me that the Cubs believe fans are in favor continuing to allow random, B-list celebrities to sing the stretch. They base this on the fact that, when random celebrities sing, "the fans always cheer them on."

Please vote and make a difference today.

One in a row! One in a row!

 Tonight, with the dreaded Pirates (did you ever think you would hear the words "dreaded" and "Pirates" in the same sentence? Me either) in town, the Cubs look to take their one game win streak and turn it into a playoff run.

And now that that pesky Carlos Zambrano has gone missing, they will be nothing to stand in our way!  Randy Wells, take us to the promised land!

What? Randy Wells is 3-6 with a 5.21 ERA?

Oh.

But I bet he turns that around starting tonight! Right? RIGHT? Who's with me?!?!?!?!

At the very least, I can content myself with the fact that Garrett Jones is in town.

Before we get to the game details, I wanted to send a big shout out to Joel at Cubs Fan Report, who mentionned LOHO when asked by the guys at Cubscast about the best Cubs blogs around. Seriously. A tear?

20. Someone else's taxes.

 This list is fairly self-explantory and, I assure you, universally unappealing.

Without further ado, here are 20 things I would rather do than watch this imprtent team attempt to  baseball:

20.  Someone else's taxes. For free. And not just anyone's taxes. . . someone who has tons of losses and carryovers and pass throughs and blah blah blah. Actually that sounds like HEAVEN compared to watching Ryan Theriot flail away at curveballs down and away over and over and over.

19.   John Kruk after he hasn't showered for a few days.

18.  Public Relations for Milton Bradley.

17.   Get drooled/snotted on by Glen Davis.

16.   Head up France's triumphant return to their homeland after getting bounced from the first round of the World Cup.

15.   Clean out the hot tub on "Jersey Shore."

14.   Give Lou Piniella a pedicure.

13.    Dig the shattered remains of Duncan Keith's teeth out of his bloody gums.

12.    Eat corn smut.

11.    Have AJ Pierzynski sweat on me.

Photo courtesy Chicago Tribune/Strazzante

While the Cubs continue to make no moves to improve either this year's OR next year's teams, the Chicago team that actually won something was busy trading one of its biggest stars away to the Atlanta Thrashers in order to clear cap space for even better players. Rumor has it that Dustin Byfuglien, Brent Sopel, and Ben Eager are headed to the Thrashers.

And, while most of us knew it was coming and understand why it had to be done, it's with a heavy heart that we say "goodbye" to the man who was able to smash Chris Pronger into the board with a simple swing of his hips and drive the Canucks to seek off-season therapy.

Also, it's hard to say goodbye to a player who left it all on the ice every single game and who never gave anyone cause to doubt his heart, desire, or competitiveness.

I feel like I wouldn't have a similiar problem if some (read: "most")  of the Cubs were traded, particularly as 90% of them look like they would rather be back at the hotel watching "What Not to Wear" than playing baseball.

Sorry guys, I'm cashed. This is the best I can manage for a game thread tonight.

So . .  um, the Cubs are playing the Mariners in Seattle. It's Ryan Dempster v. Jason Vargas. Milton may play. Or he may not. Only time will tell.

Aramis is back with the team and due to be activated from the DL on Friday against the White Sox. This may be a good thing. Or it may not. Only time will tell.

The game is on Comcast +

Gooooooooo Cubs!

It's amazing how the little things can change your whole point of view on something. (photo by @plamorte)

It's been pointed out to me that I've shown a disproportionate amount of rage towards a large plastic pasta noodle. While this may or may not be true, I would be remiss in not pointing out that the Cubs DID score their first noodle-era win last night, so perhaps we're on a roll. 

Back away from the phone, Jim.

I don't want to alarm anyone, but I believe in honesty and facing our fears head on. Here goes:

At this very moment, both Jake Fox and Gary Matthews Jr. are unemployed and available.

 I feel confident that Jim knows and understands that Jake Fox can't hit a curveball, but I just have this horrible feeling that the narrative of the prodigal son coming home, jump-starting the offense, and leading his team to the playoffs like his father before him is going to be too much for Jim to reisist.

At this point, all we can really do is hope for the best. And try to distract Jim with shiny objects and sweets until this crisis is over.

Before we get to the Cubs/Sox game today, I want to take a moment to talk about a much, MUCH bigger game about to kick off this afternoon. The USA will play England in the first round of the World Cup at 12:30 pm CT on ABC. It's hard for me to describe the beauty of this game, or the passion it invokes in its fans to Americans who have never played, or don't understand the game. This has been a source of frustration to me since I started playing soccer as a small child.

During the last World Cup, Bryant Gumbel ranted about the World Cup and said, I think, what every footy fan wishes they could say:

 "Finally tonight, a few words about World Cup soccer. Please spare me the stifled yawns and typical American gripes about how boring the sport can be. For God's sake, we're a nation that venerates one-nothing baseball games, watches cars make endless left-hand turns and televises people playing poker and dominoes.

Hey Cubs, if you can't beat the Brewers, you can kiss my a$$.

I'm not even sure why I'm doing a game thread tonight, because I'm pretty sure we'll all be otherwise occupied. For those of you who won't be out at a bar or friend's house watching the Hawks, feel free to intermingle your Hawks talk with Cubs talk here.

It was humiliating enough to lose to so many games to the Pirates, but the Pirates don't have obnoxious, cheese-stuffed fans to gloat about their victories all over the stateline area. Or any fans, actually. 

I'll get straight to the point: I DON'T LIKE LOSING TO THE BREWERS. Especially when our starting pitcher throws a gem and deserves better. And I don't like seeing Corey Hart succeed at anything. and I REALLY don't like that stupid thing the Brewers in pulling out their shirts at the end of the game.

What do I like? Well, last series in Milwaukee, someone forgot to let the sausages out of the field and they just kind of all milled around in LF looking for the door for a while. That was kinda fun.

Also, I LIKE BEATING THE BREWERS.

Yes, I KNOW it's an old joke. I'm pulling out all the stops tonight.

Let's be honest, when you're down, nothing makes you feel better than making fun of someone who is more down than you are.

Tonight, that's the Brewers.

As bad as the Cubs have been, the Brewers have been worse. Considering they gave a fan base with a bigger chip on their collective shoulders than Milton Bradley, this brings me great joy.

Oh sure, it's more intellctually honest for me to wax nostalgic for the 1982 Brewers, remember fondly many a summer night spent at Telfer Park watching the Beloit Brewers, and realizing that, in the end, the answer to everything is love.

But, in another, more accurate way, it's far more fun to say that Prince Fielder must eat more edamame than any vegetarian in history, even Ed Hardy thinks Ryan Braun's clothing line is douche-tacular, and the that Brewers fans put cheese AND gravy on their hashbrowns. Seriously, give it a try.

Don't you feel better?

 Earlier today, I was bemoaning how uninteresting Cubs games have become of late. Win 8-11 from teams above .500, lose just about every game to teams below .500.

It's all so predictable.

However, a good samaritan took time out of his busy day to brighten mine, by pointing out that Cubs games are anything but predictable lately.

Oh sure, they can't beat Pittsburgh, but it's HOW they lose that holds the mystery. Will they be able to score more than a single run (if that)? Will the pigpen blow it in the 8th? Will the starter give up 5 in the first?

It's really impossible to know.

With that in mind, we head back out to Pittsburgh tonight to see if the Cubs can manage to salvage some iota of respectability from this series with the lowly Pirates. My guess? They probably can't, but a girl can always dream!

If anyone can stop this train from running completely off the rails, it's perennial stopper Ted Lilly (1-4, 3.63), who heads to the hill tonight against Jeff Karstens (1-1, 4.78) 

Del Boca Vista: Phase II's "Kahmaniwannaleah" Party, Spring 2010

It's not like I need another reason to love Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella other than his penchant for afternoon cocktails, his intolerance for incompetence (John Grabow notwithstanding), and his ability to stop a raging Carlos Zambrano from charging.

But I have one, anyway:

Piniella was asked about his critics because Fox-TV reporter Ken Rosenthal is at Wrigley Field this weekend for Saturday's Cubs-Cardinals telecast. Rosenthal recently wrote a column on foxsports.com suggesting Piniella be fired and replaced by Alan Trammell if the Cubs don't turn things around.

"Look, when a person doesn't see your team play ..." Piniella said. "I think he should at least see the team play before you start making comments. Outside of that, I really don't care. He has no bearing at all on whether I have a job here or not."

That's right, Cubs fans. Not only does Lou get paid to play baseball and spend half his summer at Wrigley Field, NOW he's declared the insufferable Ken Roshenthal to be irrelevant for all the world to hear.

Lou Piniella, you are my hero.

Yeah, because it was the milk.

Mark McGwire: liar, cheater, bad hitting coach.If there's one thing to be happy about this season, it's the fact that the St. Louis Cardinals are 17/30 teams in batting average this season, while our very own Chicago Cubs are sitting pretty at number 11.

I credit this startling turn of events to their fantastic new hitting coach, who isn't here to talk about the past and whose knowledge of hitting is more pharmaceutically-driven than mechanically-driven.

I love the fact that, of all the available hitting coaches in the world, the Cardinals decided to go get the one guy who's hitting numbers are widely believed to be, shall we say . . .  fake.

It's like hiring MilliVanilli to be your vocal coach.

(And yes, I know he was a great hitter before the steroids, and steroids don't help you hit a fast ball or give you more discipline at the plate, blah, blah blah. Look--steroids increase strength. Strength helps you muscle a warning track ball out of the park. This is what Mark spent most of his time doing.)

In fact, the two most feared hitters in the Cards' lineup,  Albert Pujols and Matt Holiday, are only OPSing .943 and .801, respectively. These are decent, even GOOD, numbers for mere mortals, but nowhere near the career averages of St. Albert and his newest BFF. 

You were all expecting something else, weren't you? Get your minds out of the gutter!

It's May 27, 2010, and the Chicago Cubs are 22-25, 3 games under .500 and 5 games in back of the (gulp) DIVISION-LEADING Cincinnati Reds (and seriously, how long can that last?).  

The Cubs have a chance to pick up some serious ground on the hated Cardinals this weekend, as the Southern Beer Team comes into Wrigley for a 3-game series. But first thing's first. Before we make up ground, we have to not lose any ground.

If the Cubs are able to beat the Dodgers today, we'll have won 3 of our last 4 series, having swept the Rockies, split with the Phils, and taken 2-3 from the Rangers prior to facing the Dodgers. For the record, EACH of those teams is over .500 for the season.

So are things looking up? 

Yeah, I think they are.

Speaking of things looking up, today's starter, Ted Lilly (1-4, 4.30) looked damn near spectacular, giving up only 2 earned runs and 6 hits over the course of 6.2 innings. Unfortunately for Ted, the offense didn't come through and he was saddled with the loss. Let's hope that today he has better luck.

That weather station at the top really kills the visual

Before the game starts, let's all take a moment to sympathize with the Dodgers, as there are no oxygen bars, high-colonic clinics, Andre Ethiers, or random pop stars willing to date Matt Kemp in Chicago.

It's been way too long since we got to watch baseball, so let's dispense with the small talk and get to the game.

Tonight, Ryan Dempster (2-4, 3.73) will face Clayton Kershaw (4-2, 3.23) tonight at Wrigley.

I'm glad Bobby is back and I don't care what any of you have to say about it. And besides, as I've been tweeting all day, Howry's 1.67 WHIP is highly preferable to Grabow's 2.13 WHIP. Of course, Grabow is still on the team, and Berg, who had better number than either of the other two, was sent to Iowa, but THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE, PEOPLE.

At any rate, the Cubs won three in a row, and then split a series with the best team in the NL, so I'm feeling significantly better than I did at this time last week. Will we be able to hang with 1st Place Texas? Only time will tell.

I'll be forgoing previous plans for merrymaking to flip back and forth between the Cubs and Hawks, and I hope you'll all join me. After all, I need something to keep my mind off the fact that my new nephew is over 12 hours old and still doesn't have a name!

Tonight, Ted Lilly (1-3, 4.65) will take on Colby Lewis (3-2, 3.68).

500 LOHO points to whoever can find me the video of Howry staring down that guy who rushed the mound in 2008.  

And IIIIIIIIIIIIeeeeeeeIIIIIIIIIII will always love yoooooouuuuuuu-oooooooh. Will always lo-ove youuuuuuuuuuuu! Iiiiiiii will always love YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Now that my shameful, 20-year crush on Jamie Moyer has been revealed, I'm going to, without hesitation, revel in the fact that a 47-year old man with a 35-mph fastball is 5-2 with a 1.10 WHIP so far this season. For those of us in our 30s, 47 looks less and less old these days.

The Cubs current 3-game win streak heads into serious jeopardy this evening, as the Cubs face the reigning NL chumps-turned-champs and the team with the best winning percentage in the National League (.632 to our .450), the Philadelphia Phillies.

While not an ideal foe to take on in the middle of a win streak, the good news for the Cubs is that Brad Lidge got a cortisone injection yesterday and is on the 15-day DL along with J.A. Happ, Chase Utley is coming off a 2-day sick leave, and Jamie Moyer is 47-years old.

The bad news? Everyone on their team is hitting the tar out of the ball.

Who among the Cubs will be chosen to face this formidable opponent? Unfortunately for us (and him), it's Tom Gorzelanny (1-4, 3.60). Not that I think Tom isn't ABLE to beat the Phillies, it's just that I think he's going to get lit up like a Christmas Tree covered in jalepeno pepper lights. It's just that, given how much trouble he had with the Pirates last time out, it seems like Howard, Utley, Worth, Victorino, et al might be a problem for him. Nothing personal.

 For those of you who will be unable to join us for tonight's rooftop festivities, I've done my best to provide you with a visual representation of where everything will be, so as to give you as close to a first-hand experience as possible.

Take a look at the photo. See? Don't you feel like you're there? You're very welcome.

For those heading to game, we'll convene at Murphy's Bleachers (3653 North Sheffield Avenue) between 5:00 and 6:00 pm (if you're in the neighborhood, please stop by and say "hi!"). We will, however, keep a keen eye a few doors down to Skybox on Sheffield, where the doors will open at 6:05 pm sharp.

By May 1, I'd given up hope that we could put together back-to-back wins. But sometimes dreams DO come true! Can we make it 3 in a row? Doubtful, but let's keep our fingers crossed, anyway.

Maybe it's just me (God knows it wouldn't be the first time it's just me), but I don't understand all the calls for Lou's head.

I mean, it was pretty clear to everyone before Spring Training that this team had a lot of problems. An aging, streaky core, three real starters, the complete lack of a bullpen. So why all the surprise?

And why is the ire directed at a the manager, who can only work with what he's given (see, e.g., a bullpen featuring Samardzija, Jeff and Grawbo,w, John), rather than the architect of this disaster (see e.g., Hendry, Jim)?

I'm kinda joking, kinda not. I really don't know what people expected Lou to do. I can fault him for over-shuffling the lineup and for putting Z in the pigpen (I'm not convinced this was Lou's decision anyway), but really he's not done much more than rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic.

This isn't like it was with Dusty, who left starters in way too long, kept playing his beloveds (Neifi, Corey) no matter how poorly they played, and generally looked like a deer-in-the-headlights every time the team lost.