A League of Her Own

Cubs Interested in Derek Jeter Purple Monkey Dishwasher

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Okay, so I  haven't heard anything about the Cubs being interested in Derek Jeter, but the way this off-season is going so far, it's only a matter of time.

This afternoon, as the clouds thicken and the flurries begin to swirl here in Chicago, let's take a look at some of the best (worst? most terrifying?) Cubs rumors to come down the proverbial pipe thus far.

1. Cliff Lee: Cubs fans could barely contain their glee at the prospect of Cliff Lee in Cubbie Blue. Alas, any real Cubs fan knew this story had no legs. We never get teh Cliff Lees of the world. Moving on.

2.  Lance Berkman: People, there is a reason Lance Berkman ended up in the AL as a DH. With Darlin' Starlin Castro's penchant for throwing balls into the dirt/stands/stratosphere, I'm not sure having a sub-par defensive player in the twilight of his career manning first base is the best idea we've ever had.

3.  Carlos Pena: Yes, he's good defensively. But offensively, he's a huge risk. His line from last season? A paltry .196/.325/.407. Given the departure of Derrek Lee and the inconsistency of Aramis Ramirez the last two seasons, I'm not really sure where our offense is supposed to come from, exactly. Pena's numbers are so bad, they make me wonder if Ryan Theriot can play first base.

 

4. Assorted Pitchers:  From today's mlbtraderumors.com:

The only one of those names I'm even vaguely interested in is Brandon Webb, who sported a jaunty 13.50 ERA in 2009. Granted, his career numbers are much better (1.24 WHIP/3.27 ERA), and he's exactly the kind of pitcher the Cubs love to take a chance on (read: injured).

5. Jesse Crain:  More from our friends at mlbtraderumors.com:

MLB.com's Peter Gammons tweets that a total of nine teams - the Rays, Rockies, Dodgers, Diamondbacks, Mariners, Orioles, Cubs, Nationals, and Blue Jays - are "already in" on the former Twin.

Crain, 29, has returned from a 2007 shoulder surgery to post a 3.70 ERA with 7.7 K/9 and 3.9 BB/9 in 182.1 innings over the last three seasons. In 68 innings this year, he posted a career-high 8.2 K/9 and a career-low .215 batting average against. Minnesota offered the Type-B free agent arbitration, so the club will receive a draft pick if he signs elsewhere even though the signing team will not have to give one up.

Aaaaand . . .  another reclamation project. Perfect.

Maybe Ricketts should ask Illinois for $200 million to get some decent players. . . . I'd prefer that to a souped-up Wrigley Field.

Feel free to add your own terrible rumors below!

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25 Comments

plamorte said:

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you know D-Lee is a free agent....

jmkobus said:

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Did I hear some whispers about Aaron Heilman pitching well? I think we need him back. ASAP

Doc said:

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I heard the Cubs are looking to trade Carlos Zambrano, Alfonso Soriano, Aramis Ramirez and Ryan Dempster to the Mets for a couple pizzas and free trip up the Empire State Building.

flyball said:

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thats false, the Yankees own the Empire State Building, and anything with Empire State in the title

the Mets offered a rowboat rental on the Hudson for an hour

ELRaythar said:

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False. That would be Jay-Z

Doc said:

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I was thinking...since Zambrano really increased his overall value during the last couple months of the season, he might be worth trading to the Illinois State Assembly in return for the $200 million to renovate Wrigley.

Teebob2000 said:

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Couldn't the Rickettsses' apply for some leftover fed stimulus money to help sign some of these reclamation-project players??

Doc said:

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Hey...the stupid new governor up here in Wisconsin is going to give back the $900 million that was supposed to be used for a high speed rail...the Cubs could just take all that money and make the world's most greatest, coolest, kick-ass, and awesomest ballpark of all time!

Duey23 said:

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HA! love this. Enjoy that new guy up there, he was a total a** when he was at Marquette as a student (I was there and had to deal with him, I know)

flyball said:

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have the Cubs signed Adam Dunn yet?

Doc said:

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Yes...they've signed him 3 or 4 times now. And each time they've signed him, they immediately traded him to the Reds.

flyball said:

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fot Votto?

Doc said:

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no...cash considerations. Basically doing the same crap the did with Josh Hamilton.

keywestcubfan said:

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Yes. Which will allow Hendry to give up some young talent to trade for Ben Sheets.

ELRaythar said:

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Cubs add Yankee Core Four, trade Rivera to Dodgers for Theriot to play 1b.

plamorte said:

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Theriot is a Cardinal, LOL

Doc said:

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I'm fairly sure this means Theriot will be the 2011 NL MVP.

JulieDiCaro said:

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Ahahahahahaha! Now I can hate him in peace!

baturkey said:

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This is their way of betting that they can beat the Cubs with one arm tied behind their back.

Doc said:

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Unfortunately, the odds on that happening are so high that you wouldn't even make back the money you put down on that bet if you won.

Edelweiss said:

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He got so wasted at Fontenots wedding, that I am surprised he was able to make a sarcastic remark about being a redbird.

MillsChC said:

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Wow.. Theriot sure didn't wanna waste any time shedding all of his female fans he still had at Wrigley.

http://media.kfns.com/Podcasts/1670/Segment_5_11-30-10.mp3

JulieDiCaro said:

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not to mention the male fans.

flyball said:

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wow, first line

keywestcubfan said:

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I can't feel my legs....

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