A League of Her Own

Cubs Lose, Lou Fumes, and (Fake) Ryan Theriot Weighs In

 

Chi Trib:

The only thing needed was a spark to set Piniella off, and that came three questions into his postgame news conference when he was asked about his strategy after Byrd doubled leading off against reliever Brian Bruney in the eighth inning of a one-run game.

"Did you think of bunting after Byrd doubled?" a free-lance reporter asked Piniella.

"Bunting what?" Piniella said. "With a left-handed hitter ( Mike Fontenot) up, you want to bunt? What kind of baseball you play?"

No answer.

"Really, what kind of baseball do you play?" Piniella repeated.

The reporter suggested getting the runner over to third because the team was "scuffling" at the plate.

"How about getting (the runner) in, or getting him over by swinging?" Piniella replied. "How about that?"

Haaaaaaaaa. I'm with Lou. If there's one person on this team I don't trust to put down a bunt, it's Fontenot. Well, maybe I trust Soriano less. But still.

I really don't want to spend the whole morning talking about everything that went wrong in dropping  2-3 to the lowly Nats (no offense, gravedigger), so I have a special treat for you guys this morning. 

 

I don't know if people have noticed, but there's an increasing amount of chatter around the internet tubes lately about Darlin' Starlin Castro, who has been on a tear in the minors of late. Much of the chatter was started by ESPN's Bruce Levine, who wrote the following:

Chicago Cubs'prospect Starlin Castro's ascension to the major leagues could be right around the corner, according to a major-league source.

The 20-year-old shortstop is being monitored on a daily basis by the Cubs organization to determine when the time will be to start his major-league career.

Castro has been hitting over .300 and playing solid defense all month at Double-A Tennessee.

There are more than a couple of issues involved in promoting Castro. One is moving current shortstop Ryan Theriot to second base, and the other is deciding to move one of their backup infielders, either Chad Tracy, Mike Fontenot or Jeff Baker.

RiotMusk.jpg

photo by @plamorte

Of course, no one would be more affected by bringing up Castro than current Cubs camera boy Ryan Theriot. This morning, we're lucky enough to get an exclusive interview with (Fake) Ryan Theriot: 

 Ryan, to what do you attribute your "hot" start this season?
 
Well, obviously...have you SEEN me before? It would impossible for anything I do to not be 'hot'. Hot is, I think, the word I would use to describe myself best: from my chiseled physique and handsome good looks, to my scorching speed around the basepaths. I'm just hot in general!

How is it that you frequently have such a low slugging percentage?
 
I'm nothing if not a humanitarian. I can't be the best at EVERYTHING on the team! I mean, well, I can, but that just doesn't seem very fair. Plus, if I intentionally hit singles, I get the chance to steal more bases...and we all know how AMAZING I am at that!!

How did you feel about Zambrano going to the bullpen?
 
I like the move. I think it gives us the chance to get more Carlos's into every game, which as you well know is a key to victory in the game of baseball. That, and Theriot leading off. Those two things should give this team about 115 more wins this year.

Many people think you should move to 2B to make room for Starlin Castro. How do you feel about that?
 
To those people, I say PFHXDERTAT! That is preposterous! You don't move a future 12-time All-Star to another position just because you *think* someone else would play that position better. I mean, its not like its something you'd ever ask someone like Alex Rodriguez to do, right? So, why me?

Do you think Castro is ready to make his MLB debut?
 
NO. Well, yes and no. If Jim Hendry would go ahead and trade Castro like I've TOLD him countless times he needs to, then we can not only get his horrible skillset out of our organization, but we could get a quality A-ball middle reliever in return, too! Daytona NEEDS bullpen help! In that case, sure! Trade him to St. Louis! Its not like anyone we've ever traded to the Cardinals has made a name for himself, anyway...

But I look at it like this: Starlin is playing all of his baseball in AA. I've already vanquished one foe who plays AAAA ball...Pittsburgh's Ronny Cedeno. I mean, look at the A's! I've already proven I'm better than someone who is TWICE as good as Starlin! Why would the Cubs even THINK about calling him up?! Preposterous!

What do you do in your spare time?
 
I like to make the media's job easier by making myself available for as much face time on camera as humanly possible. I believe, as the face of this franchise and its most recognizable star of all time, it is my duty and obligation to do that. I also like to throw crawfish off of the El.

Give us examples of some things you like better than being in front of a camera.
 
....
....
....
Um...am I supposed to HAVE things I enjoy better? I don't think there is anything. However, I'll name off some things I like almost as much. I like getting Fontenot drunk, and dressing him up like the Travelocity gnome. I like stealing Silva's dinner plate when he forgets to grab a fork and has to go back to get one. I like getting into arguments with Lou, repeating 'look' back to him fifteen times, and then holding up a mirror to his face. I like pretending I'm PW Sullivan, calling Milton Bradley and calling him the second-worst human being of all time behind Starlin Castro, then hanging up. I like to have my toes manicured. Um...I like being awesome. Yep. That about sums it up!

Do you shape your facial hair like that purposely? Or does it just grow that way because you're French?

A voodoo priestess cast a spell on me while at a frat party at LSU, and ever since then, its been a natural thing.
 
Do you have anything to say to your female fans?
 
I know this is the real reason you requested this interview...you want to ask me out, don't you? Well, I'll say this...a riot is a large group of people, and THE Riot can handle a large group of ladies. There's plenty of me to go around, girls!

What can Cubs fans/Fantasy Baseball Owners expect from you this season?

Fantasy owners, aka "the ladies", can expect to see my beautiful face on tv every chance I get. Morning, noon, and night, I make it my goal to get my handsome mug shown worldwide as many times as possible. And ladies, I do it all for you.

As for everybody else...you can expect the regular dose of awesome that you've come to expect from me ever since I was conceived. Incredible power. Unmatched speed and baserunning savvy. THE greatest defense in the history of America. And, I'll keep the city safe from the evil clutches of Starlin Castro. Don't worry folks...Ryan TheriNot isn't going anywhere!

(Everyone can and should follow (Fake) Ryan Theriot on Twitter @RyanTheriNot).

Today TRL gets us back on track against the Diamondbacks at 1:20 pm CT. Huge protest planned at Wrigley to protest Arizona's new draconian "Immigration" law.

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62 Comments

cadarnell said:

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the Ryno made the best of being moved from ss to 3b to 2b ...everyone should follow his example Ryan...

Edelweiss said:

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You should be careful what you wish for. If Theriot were moved to second, he would take a long time to adjust, and defense at second would be just awful. This year, there seems to be more balls hit to second than short, as evidenced by the range factors of Fontenot and Theriot, which are evidence of balls hit, rather than fielding ability. Don't forget, it is usually the second baseman who cuts off the throw from right field. Would you want it to be Theriot?

gravedigger said:

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The Nats aren't lowly anymore. Well, maybe they are, but they are an improved tam over the last couple of years. I'd also venture to say they might be better than this shit team.

JulieDiCaro said:

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oh shut up.

gravedigger said:

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Did you see these two teams? One is clearly better. It isn't the Cubs.

jarowcliffe said:

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cj I think you outdid yourself with this one. That was hilarious! Fontenot drunk and dressed up like the gnome is priceless! Great job!

JulieDiCaro said:

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ha. all credit goes to @RyanTheriNot. He answered all the questions.

JulieDiCaro said:

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throwing crawfish off the el had me in tears.

jarowcliffe said:

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Its just so random...I love random

JulieDiCaro said:

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abstract humor is my favorite kind.

kiwibob said:

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It was obvious that was a fake Theriot.

Silva using a fork to eat his dinner? Yeah right....

JulieDiCaro said:

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hooray! you're back! how's the eye?

kiwibob said:

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Sore...
The pressure built up to something like 6 times normal and it was threatening to blow up so I'm now on a range of altitude sickness drugs which mean I totter around a lot feeling dizzy.
Watching the game and using the computer is a bit tricky too so I'm flagging all work and reaquainting myself with the joys of listening to Pat and Ron while tucked up in bed!

JulieDiCaro said:

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Booo! Poor Bob. :(

kiwibob said:

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Yes... poor me.
But at the same time, occasionally wallowing in your own misery while good natured others scurry in and out according to your every whim can be tolerated for some considerable time you know....

JulieDiCaro said:

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i believe wallowing in your own misery is highly underrated. i got mad at max earlier this week for trying to cheer me up when i wasn't done wallowing.

kiwibob said:

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There's nothing more annoying than a premature cheer up attempt.
Or someone chirpily telling you to "Smile! It uses less muscles as frowning" I usually point out it uses even fewer to punch them in the face... that often nips it in the bud.

jarowcliffe said:

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Sounds like someone has a case of the mondays on thursday...

kiwibob said:

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If we were going to get technical I'd point out that it's already Friday here which would give me an extra days worth of grumpiness

jarowcliffe said:

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From the sound of it you definitely deserve a few extra days worth of grumpiness...hope you get it straightened out!

FrankS said:

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Sounds very serious and scary. I hope you'll be 100% soon.

kiwibob said:

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I'm past the worst bit. The pain from an eyeball at "50*" pressure is above and beyond any pain I've ever felt before. A nurse handily pointed this out to me as she wandered off to get the drugs. "They say it's the worst pain you can ever have in the head region you know." she called over her shoulder casually. What did she expect me to do?
Lean back in my chair and reply "Gosh really? And I've got it. Well I never..."
( *They never told me what the 50 was measured in. Ouches? F@#^%&^%@##KS?)

JulieDiCaro said:

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hmmm. i don't know about "the WORST pain."

Have you ever had a zit inside your nose?

;)

kiwibob said:

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Actually yes...
Eye at 50 outstrips it 10-1
If I had been stuck somewhere with no access to medical attention it would have been a matter of minutes before I popped the eye myself with a needle or something....

kiwibob said:

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Hey!
You were joking...
I blame the drugs for my lack of ability to recognise nuance...

FrankS said:

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Humor is difficult to find when facing a serious health problem.

jarowcliffe said:

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I'm glad we got the stopper on the hill today.

Teebob2000 said:

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LOHO's in direct readership competition with 'Chicago's 3rd Annual Sexcon' today, CJ. Skin to win!!

JulieDiCaro said:

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i could post a photo of my playoff legs . . .

Teebob2000 said:

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Win!!!

JulieDiCaro said:

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you know what, bob, im glad you can appreciate them. there are certain PEOPLE on twitter, who shall remain nameless, who think the very thought of body hair on a woman is disgusting.

Teebob2000 said:

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I'm very 'European' that way.

berselius said:

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Rick Morrissey can die in a fire.

That is all.

JulieDiCaro said:

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what did he say now?

berselius said:

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Just fueling the flames that will eventually run Z out of town - essentially blaming Z for his move to the pen (and trotting out all the usual memes about Z exploding, etc)

JulieDiCaro said:

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i'm going to choose to believe that Z doesn't read Rick Morrissey.

gravedigger said:

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Z may not, but the largely Palin-level intelligence fanbase does, and they'll listen to him and help expedite.

kiwibob said:

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Perhaps we should have a Clubhouse Cancer-O-Meter with the needle set by the strident oinking from Sullivan, Morrissey et al

gravedigger said:

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yes, i like this.

Teebob2000 said:

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With the 2 ends being represented by Kevin Millar and Milton Bradley?

kiwibob said:

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Genius...

kiwibob said:

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And the pointer should be a pencil held by a pig wearing a hat with a card marked PRESS tucked into the brim.

kiwibob said:

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I'm going to hope Z doesn't read Rick Morrissey

jarowcliffe said:

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Here is an article for all you sabre fans out there I just stumbled on...

Its about Geo's crazy start...pretty interesting

http://baseballanalysts.com/archives/2010/04/the_good_the_ba.php

jarowcliffe said:

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Personally I think it has to do with the amount of eye brow maintenance but I could be wrong...

JulieDiCaro said:

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i'm on board with that theory.

nrthsidrfan said:

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I've noticed that Yadier has plucked his eyebrows nearly bald...I think it's because he hears Geo's footsteps as best manicured catcher!

Teebob2000 said:

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tl;dnr

AndCounting said:

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I had looked up Geo's plate discipline earlier this week because it felt like he wasn't swinging a lot. Turns out, at that point he had the lowest swinging percentage in baseball.

It's kind of weird how I've heard next to nothing about him other than people saying he's doing a little better this year. But he's doing ridiculously well. Pretty impressive.

jarowcliffe said:

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I have done absolutely no statistical analysis on this just merely an observation that could be way off but...

It seems to me that although he is much better at the plate it seems he is getting ran on a lot. Like I said could be way off but seems that way to me.

baturkey said:

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My new goals in life are to
1. Be a decent human being
2. Do one load of laundry without dropping any socks on the floor

jarowcliffe said:

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Honestly, can you have one without the other?

nrthsidrfan said:

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I just wish Bethany wouldn't beat me so much when I leave socks on the floor J-Row...

Edelweiss said:

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You look like Fontenot. Are you related?

gravedigger said:

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I gave up on #1 a long time ago. Actually, I think it was when I had an affair with my intern. Or when I started drinking. Not really sure.

Dmband said:

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Its extremely tough to get overly upset at the lack of offensive production with this team. Its really two season playing at Wrigley, weather like the last 2 nights = minimal offense and we just cant seem to win those 3-2 or 2-1 games.

On the other hand, I fully expect this offense to be crushing the ball in June/July...

Dmband said:

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Oh and I'd feel a lot better about this:

Fukudome
Lee
Byrd
ARAM
Sori/Colvin
Soto
Theriot
Castro
Pitcher.

gravedigger said:

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well, there goes the no hitter.

gravedigger said:

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cmon, beat the d'bags. i hate arizona so much right now.

Eric From The Dugs said:

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Ron Santo is operating without the use of television monitors.

No idea what the fallout of this is going to be, but it should be hilarious.

MillsChC said:

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Was that kid Demp rolled a ball to holding a beer?

secdelahc said:

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Game thread is up, folks. Sorry for the delay.

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