Cubs Lose, Lou Fumes, and (Fake) Ryan Theriot Weighs In

I don't know if people have noticed, but there's an increasing amount of chatter around the internet tubes lately about Darlin' Starlin Castro, who has been on a tear in the minors of late. Much of the chatter was started by ESPN's Bruce Levine, who wrote the following:

Chicago Cubs'prospect Starlin Castro's ascension to the major leagues could be right around the corner, according to a major-league source.

The 20-year-old shortstop is being monitored on a daily basis by the Cubs organization to determine when the time will be to start his major-league career.

Castro has been hitting over .300 and playing solid defense all month at Double-A Tennessee.

There are more than a couple of issues involved in promoting Castro. One is moving current shortstop Ryan Theriot to second base, and the other is deciding to move one of their backup infielders, either Chad Tracy, Mike Fontenot or Jeff Baker.

photo by @plamorte

Of course, no one would be more affected by bringing up Castro than current Cubs camera boy Ryan Theriot. This morning, we're lucky enough to get an exclusive interview with (Fake) Ryan Theriot: 

 Ryan, to what do you attribute your "hot" start this season?
 
Well, obviously...have you SEEN me before? It would impossible for anything I do to not be 'hot'. Hot is, I think, the word I would use to describe myself best: from my chiseled physique and handsome good looks, to my scorching speed around the basepaths. I'm just hot in general!

How is it that you frequently have such a low slugging percentage?
 
I'm nothing if not a humanitarian. I can't be the best at EVERYTHING on the team! I mean, well, I can, but that just doesn't seem very fair. Plus, if I intentionally hit singles, I get the chance to steal more bases...and we all know how AMAZING I am at that!!

How did you feel about Zambrano going to the bullpen?
 
I like the move. I think it gives us the chance to get more Carlos's into every game, which as you well know is a key to victory in the game of baseball. That, and Theriot leading off. Those two things should give this team about 115 more wins this year.

Many people think you should move to 2B to make room for Starlin Castro. How do you feel about that?
 
To those people, I say PFHXDERTAT! That is preposterous! You don't move a future 12-time All-Star to another position just because you *think* someone else would play that position better. I mean, its not like its something you'd ever ask someone like Alex Rodriguez to do, right? So, why me?

Do you think Castro is ready to make his MLB debut?
 
NO. Well, yes and no. If Jim Hendry would go ahead and trade Castro like I've TOLD him countless times he needs to, then we can not only get his horrible skillset out of our organization, but we could get a quality A-ball middle reliever in return, too! Daytona NEEDS bullpen help! In that case, sure! Trade him to St. Louis! Its not like anyone we've ever traded to the Cardinals has made a name for himself, anyway...

But I look at it like this: Starlin is playing all of his baseball in AA. I've already vanquished one foe who plays AAAA ball...Pittsburgh's Ronny Cedeno. I mean, look at the A's! I've already proven I'm better than someone who is TWICE as good as Starlin! Why would the Cubs even THINK about calling him up?! Preposterous!

What do you do in your spare time?
 
I like to make the media's job easier by making myself available for as much face time on camera as humanly possible. I believe, as the face of this franchise and its most recognizable star of all time, it is my duty and obligation to do that. I also like to throw crawfish off of the El.

Give us examples of some things you like better than being in front of a camera.
 
....
....
....
Um...am I supposed to HAVE things I enjoy better? I don't think there is anything. However, I'll name off some things I like almost as much. I like getting Fontenot drunk, and dressing him up like the Travelocity gnome. I like stealing Silva's dinner plate when he forgets to grab a fork and has to go back to get one. I like getting into arguments with Lou, repeating 'look' back to him fifteen times, and then holding up a mirror to his face. I like pretending I'm PW Sullivan, calling Milton Bradley and calling him the second-worst human being of all time behind Starlin Castro, then hanging up. I like to have my toes manicured. Um...I like being awesome. Yep. That about sums it up!

Do you shape your facial hair like that purposely? Or does it just grow that way because you're French?

A voodoo priestess cast a spell on me while at a frat party at LSU, and ever since then, its been a natural thing.
 
Do you have anything to say to your female fans?
 
I know this is the real reason you requested this interview...you want to ask me out, don't you? Well, I'll say this...a riot is a large group of people, and THE Riot can handle a large group of ladies. There's plenty of me to go around, girls!

What can Cubs fans/Fantasy Baseball Owners expect from you this season?

Fantasy owners, aka "the ladies", can expect to see my beautiful face on tv every chance I get. Morning, noon, and night, I make it my goal to get my handsome mug shown worldwide as many times as possible. And ladies, I do it all for you.

As for everybody else...you can expect the regular dose of awesome that you've come to expect from me ever since I was conceived. Incredible power. Unmatched speed and baserunning savvy. THE greatest defense in the history of America. And, I'll keep the city safe from the evil clutches of Starlin Castro. Don't worry folks...Ryan TheriNot isn't going anywhere!

(Everyone can and should follow (Fake) Ryan Theriot on Twitter @RyanTheriNot).

Today TRL gets us back on track against the Diamondbacks at 1:20 pm CT. Huge protest planned at Wrigley to protest Arizona's new draconian "Immigration" law.