The Cubs are just two weeks into their golf season, but, as Mark DeRosa can attest, Jim Hendry won't let a little golf stop him from closing a deal. But the Cub GM's two biggest moves so far have had nothing to do with the players (i.e. Milton Bradley is still a Cub). He demoted hitting coach Von Joshua before he could unpack his clubs. Now Hendry is officially trying to replace Joshua with Rudy Jaramillo, with the permission of his soon to be ex-employers, the Texas Rangers. 

I think Hendry's on the right track, here. No one is expecting a Milton Bradley deal to reap huge returns, and the free agent market doesn't look all that promising either. Who needs better players? Here are 7 other non-players Hendry could hire to put this floundering team back on the right course. 

Kids throwing tantrums? Throwing beer? Maybe even throwing games? The Gatorade machine, Shane Victorino, and bleacher bums looking for a right fielder who actually likes long, romantic games in the park all agree that this behavior needs to stop. Who better to discipline these dysfunctional brats than SuperNanny Jo Frost? That's a rhetorical question, Jim. Go get her. She'll remain at the top of this list as long as Milton Bradley remains a Cub. 

Richard Simmons 

All too often the Chicago Cubs looked lifeless on the diamond. With the reigning king of annoying positive energy, all that could change. Lou isn't getting any less crusty. The Bobby Scales boost won't last forever. Instead of wasting $5 million on another spark plug utility infielder, let's outsource the task of energizing to the guy with a huge fro and shorter-than-short shorts. 

Glenn Beck 

It's entirely selfish on my part, but I'd love to see Glenn Beck sign on as the new VP of Marketing. No combination of additions can guarantee a World Series, but Glenn Beck could single handedly drive ticket prices down to mid-70s status. Ten bucks would put you in the front row by the time he succeeds in making Wrigley Field the most hated venue in sports. I'm a huge fan of traditions and nostalgia, but it's all getting so pricey. Admit it. Wrigley's just a little too crowded for it's own good. Let's bring in Beck and clear this mother out. 

This one is for real. I'm not suggesting we ditch Larry Rothschild as the pitching coach. Just add Maddux as a bench coach and let the osmosis of genius begin. There isn't a player on the Cub roster who couldn't stand to learn from one of the smartest guys in baseball history. Even the coaches would probably wind up sitting in a circle around the Mad Dog, taking in his wisdom like groupie disciples. Can we make this happen? 

Reed Johnson and Sam Fuld aren't going anywhere. Except through brick walls. And the ER, maybe. If we wind up adding Aaron "Facebreaker" Rowand to the mix, we're gonna need a guy who knows how to crash into stuff properly. Enter Super Dave. 

J. P. Ricciardi 

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who want Carlos Zambrano traded immediately, and those who want the Cubs to not suck. Ousted Toronto Blue Jay general manager J. P. Ricciardi offers the best of both worlds to the Chicago Cubs. Hendry can hire him on as special assistant to the GM and assign him specifically to dealing Big Z. His ability to generate huge trade talk will satisfy the anti-Z contingent, while his inability to trade huge pitchers will guarantee that we don't lose our favorite Gatorade-bashing ace. Win-win. 

Dr. Phil 

Every time a Cub exhibits some sort of mental/emotional block, he has to have a sit-down with the mustachioed monster Oprah created. One of two things will happen: Dr. Phil will actually help the players work through their problems, or they'll quickly learn that letting their personal crap stop them from playing like professionals will land them in a hell-session with the Phil doctor. Again, win-win. 

I don't know how many staff positions Jim Hendry and the Ricketts family can afford in this economy, but it's clear to me they should be willing to try anything to get this team over the 101-season hump, as long as it doesn't involve an Orthodox priest. Crap, I hope Crane Kenney knows I'm only kidding about most of this stuff.