A League of Her Own

They Can't Play, but They Can Help

Seventh Annual Family Television Awards - Show
 
The Cubs are just two weeks into their golf season, but, as Mark DeRosa can attest, Jim Hendry won't let a little golf stop him from closing a deal. But the Cub GM's two biggest moves so far have had nothing to do with the players (i.e. Milton Bradley is still a Cub). He demoted hitting coach Von Joshua before he could unpack his clubs. Now Hendry is officially trying to replace Joshua with Rudy Jaramillo, with the permission of his soon to be ex-employers, the Texas Rangers

I think Hendry's on the right track, here. No one is expecting a Milton Bradley deal to reap huge returns, and the free agent market doesn't look all that promising either. Who needs better players? Here are 7 other non-players Hendry could hire to put this floundering team back on the right course. 

SuperNanny 
Kids throwing tantrums? Throwing beer? Maybe even throwing games? The Gatorade machine, Shane Victorino, and bleacher bums looking for a right fielder who actually likes long, romantic games in the park all agree that this behavior needs to stop. Who better to discipline these dysfunctional brats than SuperNanny Jo Frost? That's a rhetorical question, Jim. Go get her. She'll remain at the top of this list as long as Milton Bradley remains a Cub. 

Richard Simmons 
All too often the Chicago Cubs looked lifeless on the diamond. With the reigning king of annoying positive energy, all that could change. Lou isn't getting any less crusty. The Bobby Scales boost won't last forever. Instead of wasting $5 million on another spark plug utility infielder, let's outsource the task of energizing to the guy with a huge fro and shorter-than-short shorts. 

Glenn Beck 
It's entirely selfish on my part, but I'd love to see Glenn Beck sign on as the new VP of Marketing. No combination of additions can guarantee a World Series, but Glenn Beck could single handedly drive ticket prices down to mid-70s status. Ten bucks would put you in the front row by the time he succeeds in making Wrigley Field the most hated venue in sports. I'm a huge fan of traditions and nostalgia, but it's all getting so pricey. Admit it. Wrigley's just a little too crowded for it's own good. Let's bring in Beck and clear this mother out. 

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Greg Maddux 
This one is for real. I'm not suggesting we ditch Larry Rothschild as the pitching coach. Just add Maddux as a bench coach and let the osmosis of genius begin. There isn't a player on the Cub roster who couldn't stand to learn from one of the smartest guys in baseball history. Even the coaches would probably wind up sitting in a circle around the Mad Dog, taking in his wisdom like groupie disciples. Can we make this happen? 

Super Dave Osborne 
Reed Johnson and Sam Fuld aren't going anywhere. Except through brick walls. And the ER, maybe. If we wind up adding Aaron "Facebreaker" Rowand to the mix, we're gonna need a guy who knows how to crash into stuff properly. Enter Super Dave

J. P. Ricciardi 
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who want Carlos Zambrano traded immediately, and those who want the Cubs to not suck. Ousted Toronto Blue Jay general manager J. P. Ricciardi offers the best of both worlds to the Chicago Cubs. Hendry can hire him on as special assistant to the GM and assign him specifically to dealing Big Z. His ability to generate huge trade talk will satisfy the anti-Z contingent, while his inability to trade huge pitchers will guarantee that we don't lose our favorite Gatorade-bashing ace. Win-win. 

Dr. Phil 
Every time a Cub exhibits some sort of mental/emotional block, he has to have a sit-down with the mustachioed monster Oprah created. One of two things will happen: Dr. Phil will actually help the players work through their problems, or they'll quickly learn that letting their personal crap stop them from playing like professionals will land them in a hell-session with the Phil doctor. Again, win-win. 

I don't know how many staff positions Jim Hendry and the Ricketts family can afford in this economy, but it's clear to me they should be willing to try anything to get this team over the 101-season hump, as long as it doesn't involve an Orthodox priest. Crap, I hope Crane Kenney knows I'm only kidding about most of this stuff.

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38 Comments

Umbra said:

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This is great. That gatorade cooler must go.

gravedigger said:

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so I'm thinking of putting my mark prior jersey to good use by wearing it, with an arm sling and a mile of gauze and a practice throw towel as my halloween costume.

now if only someone had sam fuld's pants I could borrow, since I'm his exact size, the outfit would be complete.

AndCounting said:

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Prior was infamous for his pantsless escapades. I do believe your costume is complete.

JulieDiCaro said:

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He wants me to give him my pair of Sam Fuld's pants.

baturkey said:

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Shouldn't someone figure out who won those?

....

123notit

JulieDiCaro said:

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if i knew how to get back into our old site, i would.

AndCounting said:

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So the pants of Fuld aren't just mythical? Great to know. I don't want to know how you obtained said pants. Let my imagination wander.

JulieDiCaro said:

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Nope, they're real and they are indeed Sam's.

AndCounting said:

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Are they . . . spectacular? :)

JulieDiCaro said:

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Let me say this. I am 5'7, and his pants fit me perfectly.

Carl Heartscubs Gierhan said:

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Or, depending on where you go, a jockstrap might be appropriate.

JulieDiCaro said:

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Oh hee hee hee!

The JP Riccardi paragraph made me LOL.

Carl Heartscubs Gierhan said:

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AndCounting, it's great to have you aboard. Great post, though you should've set the bar lower for yourself. Now everyone's going to expect greatness every time.

JulieDiCaro said:

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Yeah, I forgot to tell him that.

AndCounting said:

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Aw, thanks. Don't you two worry, failing to meet expectations is what I do best!

JulieDiCaro said:

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Cubs released Taguchi.

That guy is. . i mean 'was' . . Soooooo Taguchi.

Carl Heartscubs Gierhan said:

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The end of an era.

JulieDiCaro said:

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So I'm in bed tonight instead of at a Halloween Party. :(

berselius said:

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A Halloween party on Oct 17?

JulieDiCaro said:

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What's wrong with that?

There are others closer to Halloween.

Carl Heartscubs Gierhan said:

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Just think of it as protesting Halloween parties that are entirely too early in the season. We're going to Miss Gay Bloomington tonight. Hooray for drag pageants!

baturkey said:

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I hang out with a lot of Indians, so I'm home while they're off celebrating Diwali.

AndCounting said:

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Thank you. That explains why my neighbors are shooting off fireworks.

MN Pat said:

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I'm home grading papers. I live an exciting life.

JulieDiCaro said:

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you know what? if i'd been out whooping it up at the party tonight, i wouldn't know about ballon boy's dad getting charged until tomorrow.

so there, suckas.

JulieDiCaro said:

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Eric Karros AND Mark Grace?

Sometimes staying home has its advantages.

JulieDiCaro said:

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I (heart) Jeter so much!

JulieDiCaro said:

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Uh-oh.

Denver County DA filing charges against Balloon Boy's dad.

baturkey said:

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What charges?

JulieDiCaro said:

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dunno yet.

off the top of my head, i would say filing a false police report, disorderly conduct, and abuse of 9-1-1, but I don't know what the Denver Criminal Code says.

baturkey said:

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Also Julie, prepare to rue the day you invited me to join the LOHO FFL as our teams play again this weekend.

JulieDiCaro said:

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everyone is beating me. you probably will, too.

JulieDiCaro said:

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Joba can't remember how to play catch. This should be interesting.

AndCounting said:

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On my own with two pesky little boys who don't want to go to bed or let me watch this game. Yankees and Angels doing me a favor by going to extras. Oh, no, wait, they're making me miss the Rock relive The Rock Obama. Screw you, Yankees and Angels.

baturkey said:

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"There is Chad Gaudin who is a potential ace in the hole for the Yankees."

baturkey said:

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And Jerry Hairston Jr scored the winning run.

JulieDiCaro said:

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I was extremely disturbed by both these revelations, as well.

FrankS said:

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Which team has the most ex-Cubs?

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