Saturday Morning Off-Base Diary

I posted this Onion piece that someone sent me yesterday late in the day, but it had me giggling for hours:

ANAHEIM, CA--Yankees management announced at a postgame press conference Monday that reliever Joba Chamberlain had permission to stay up past his normal 9 p.m. bedtime and would be allowed to attend Game 4 of the ALCS in its entirety. "Young pitchers aren't supposed to stay up late, but he earned it with his recent commitment to improving in the bullpen, plus he asked very nicely," said Yankees GM Brian Cashman, adding that Chamberlain would not, under any circumstance, be allowed to stay up for extra innings.

"He needs to understand, though, that this is a special occasion because it's the postseason. He still has to put on his pajamas after the fifth inning. And no candy or soda after 8." Cashman added that, despite rumors, Yankees reliever Phil Hughes would not be allowed to sleep over at Chamberlain's home Thursday as it is a game night.

The mystery genius over at Don't Even Reply continues to serve up gold, Jerry! Gold! An excerpt from one of his recent exchanges:

From Juan ********* to Me:

MIKE IS THE COUCH STILL IN GOOD CONDITION. YOU STILL DID NOT GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER.

From Me to Juan *********:

Juan,

The couch is still in very good condition. There are only a few minor blemishes, but you can't really notice them. There is a little bit of blood on the couch and a pool of blood on the middle cushion from when my grandfather shot himself. I tried cleaning it with club soda, but it had really soaked into the fabric by the time I found him. The blood dried though, and now it is kind of a brown-ish color that I think actually makes the couch look better. It is a brown couch anyway so you can't even notice it.

Mike

From Juan ********* to Me:

NO THANKS

From Me to Juan *********:

Why not? I thought we had a deal. Is it because of the blood? You can just turn the cushion over and nobody will have any idea.

From Juan ********* to Me:

THE COUCH IS COVERED IN BLOOD WHO WOULD WANT THAT?
GROSS!

From Me to Juan *********:

Don't put words in my mouth. I never said it was covered in blood - it just has a little blood here and there.

I did forget to mention, I believe my grandfather defecated on the couch when he died (the paramedics say it happens all the time.) I cleaned most of that up, but once again the couch is brown so you won't even notice it.

And this probably isn't a big deal, but he also had a cigar in his mouth and when he died it set part of the couch on fire. On the plus side, it did burn away some of the old urine stains that the couch had on it. The couch no longer smells like urine. It kind of smells like a barbecue, which is great if you love barbecues.

So sick. So wrong. So unbelievably funny.

And this had me rolling on the floor this morning.  A woman was recording her son skateboarding when she noticed an old woman trying to cross the street. Best direct shot ever.