A League of Her Own

Dear TBS. . . This Has Gone Far Enough

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 Dear TBS,

Uncle.

I give.

Name your price and I'll make it happen.

I'll be honest. When I first heard that you were sticking Chip Caray and Ron Darling on the booth for the 2008 ALCS playoffs, I was hopeful. After all, Ron Darling was my first ever baseball crush, and though I prefer Len Kasper, I don't have. . . un-fond  . . . memories of Chip from his time in Chicago.

But it quickly became clear to me last season that TBS has accomplished something I once thought impossible. You have assembled a broadcasting team that I hate listening to even MORE than Joe Buck/Tim McCarver and John Miller/Joe Morgan.

Do you understand what I'm telling you? I would rather listen to Joe Morgan sing the praises of himself and Ryan Theriot than listen to Chip Caray say the word "fisted" one more time.

I guess it's possible that you have yet to listen to your own broadcast team. After all, the holiday season is upon us, and you've undoubtedly been busy digging the Christmas and Halloween episodes of "Everybody Loves Raymond" out of the attic. So let me give you an idea of what it's like for the rest of us to have to listen to a TBS broadcast of the NLCS.

Chip: That ball is FISTED into foul territory pop-up line drive base hit with a rope out!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron: Boy, you're right Chip. That ball was hit right off his fists. You know, when you hit the ball with your fists, it usually means that the pitcher threw it somewhere where it was harder for you to hit than anywhere other than off your fists.

Buck Martinez: (rambles something insane and nonsensical in the background)

Chip: FISTED!!!!!

You think I'm kidding, but that excerpt was taken from an actual broadcast a few nights ago.

I'm not one to simply gripe and complain without offering a solution. So here are 5 pairings I think would be better at calling a baseball game than Chip Caray and Ron Darling. Feel free to sign any of the following and get them into the booth post-haste:

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Jon & Kate in happier times before the NLCS started.

1. Jon and Kate Gosselin:

Even listening to Kate browbeat her slack-jawed husband in that stupid big chair was less awkward than listening to Chip and Ron. Sure, they'll probably fight and argue and get completely off-topic, but that's more entertaining than listening to Chip and Ron agree and agree and get completely off-topic. Besides, Jon Gosselin is one of the  few guys who could manage to show up dressed like even more of a douche than Chip. Besides, Jon is getting sued by TLC. He needs the money. And I'd really love to know if Kate's hair looks like that on purpose.

2. Balloon Boy's Dad and Mom:

Yes, he's batshit crazy and she barely speaks English.So far, this isn't that much different from Ron Darling and Buck Martinez. Throw the balloon boy and his stream of f-bombs into the mix and you've got a can't-miss broadcast. I can picture it now:

Balloon boy's dad: Ryan Howard hits the ball high into the Los Angeles night, which is not unlike the night I first saw aliens hovering over Fort Collins and got the idea for the balloon stunt. . .  I mean "experiment."

Balloon Boy's Mom: No. . .

Balloon Boy: FUCK!

It's fun for the whole family.

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3. Tony LaRussa and Scott Rolen:

Can you imagine how much America could learn about baseball from listening to The Delicate Genius pontificate during the NLCS? And can you imagine how much America could learn about the Cardinals clubhouse from a disgruntled ex-Cardinal? Besides, they're both free this post-season!

4. Larry King and Charo:

I very rarely know what either one of these two people is talking about. Much like I very rarely know what Chip and Ron are talking about. At least with Larry King and Charo, there's the chance I'll get the latest scoop on Levi Johnston's Playgirl pictorial and a bunch of "Coochie Choochies!"  Coochi-Coochi > FISTED.

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5. Hayden Christiansen and Natalie Portman:

If you saw any of the Star Wars prequels, you know what I'm talking about. These two people uttered some of the most uncomfortable and awkward dialogue ever to grace stage or screen. That is, unil Ron and Chip came along. I would take 5,000 "Oh Ani! Something wonderful has happened!"s over 5 minutes of listening to Chip and Ron discuss how good Jimmy Rollins is at FISTING or Manny's luxurious locks.

Okay, so this was a quick list, but I feel I've given you some pretty good options. I mean, I know for a fact Charo is available. And don't feel constrained by my pairings; mix and matching broadcast partners can often lead to fantastic results! 

 

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62 Comments

Carl Heartscubs Gierhan said:

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One can never go wrong with Charo!

Doc said:

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Ok...to add to this...

Craig Segar needs to be put away for his own good. He is the worst...by far...field reporter in all of major sports...almost as bad as Tiki Barber was yesterday after the Jets game. He's really bad when covering basketball games, but when it comes to baseball, could someone at least explain to him the difference between a ball and a bat? He's an idiot.

So, please, just put him back into his box with his crappy wardrobe and keep him there until basketball season. Let the NBA deal him.

Doc said:

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oops...I misspelled his name...Craig Sager.

AndCounting said:

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Forget the box. Let's load him into the Jiffy Pop weather balloon and see how far he flies.

Doc said:

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It won't go very far...his rock-for-a-head would weigh far too much for it go very far off the ground.

Doc said:

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Ok...

If I had the ambition/ability to write a diary...

At some point I would write about how lucky we are in Chicago (on the north side, anyway) to have good and/or entertaining play-by-play teams.

Last week I was listening to one of the Yankees-Twins games on the radio from the New York station. I don't know who they were, but they were bad. And by bad, I mean sophomores in high school announcing the junior varsity ball game bad. I've seen their TV broadcasts a few times too on the YES network. Not much better.

Seriously, you have a $200 million payroll, you just built a $1.5 billion stadium (that your shit hole fans hate and you can't sell out), and yet you have the WORST broadcasters that I have seen in the Major Leagues.

So, to that I have to say, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"

Jerks!

AndCounting said:

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That's hilarious, but number 5 makes me angry. It makes me so angry, I lack the concentration to enunciate every syllable in this ridiculous not-quite-British accent. I now have the urge to foreshadow my descent to the dark side with thinly veiled political references. [/ani-speak]

Doc said:

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We had better be careful here...or we could have another star wars geek off started if Millertime shows up.

JulieDiCaro said:

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it makes me angry, too. i would have written more if i hadn't been under time constraints.

Doc said:

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As far as your #5 team...I think I could take Natalie Portman and just about anyone else (except Craig Sager) doing a game. She'd be great. In fact, I think all they'd have to do is put the camera on her and leave it there and it would be more entertaining than just about any ball game.

But that's just me. Your mileage may differ.

Max Power said:

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Charo's current availability is likely recession-related, as there are fewer ribbon-cutting ceremonies for new Target stores.

Doc said:

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Wow...that's being rather kind to Charo. I didn't think she was even in that much of demand.

Max Power said:

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To be sure, the biggest drop occurred when The Love Boat was cancelled. However, plenty of retirees have undoubtedly paid to hear "coochie coochie!" in Branson (I presume she is there -- my knowledge of Branson is admittedly quite thin).

thisyearcub said:

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Demand for her has kind of been ... "sagging." Her career might need a "lift" for her to become relevant again.

flyball said:

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I almost let this one go just because it was so bad, I figured it was too easy to call you out on it, but I just can't

thisyearcub said:

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It was written to be bad. That was the whole schtick.

thisyearcub said:

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In the opposite world of good journalists (population: dwindling by the minute), ACB has a good interview with Bruce Miles. Gives some good unbiased insight.

http://www.anothercubsblog.net/site/comments/an-interview-with-bruce-miles/

Doc said:

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Too bad, as usual over at ACB, they had to go a bit overboard on the whole MB thing.

gravedigger said:

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Bwahahaha Miles called out Theriot.

And sheds some interesting light on Bradley. Hmmmmm.

JulieDiCaro said:

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damn, i guess there's no point to doing LOHO's interview with Bruce now.

Oh well, my fault for getting sick and snoozing on the job.

gravedigger said:

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You said it.

Doc said:

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slacker! once again.

millertime said:

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Maybe we can do that interview with Harry Caray?

thisyearcub said:

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Man, I said "good" a lot there. Boo on me.

Doc said:

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Yeah...good with ACB, journalists and insight all in the span of 2 sentences...

Actually that might be some sort of record.

gravedigger said:

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Its all good.

Doc said:

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I'm not sure Tony LaRussa would be that good in the booth...I fairly sure his speech would be slurred more that Harry Carey after a couple dozen cool, tasty Budweisers. Besides, LaRussa would be late to the game because he'll be passed out in his running car at a stop light on his way to the game.

flyball said:

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I actually can't wait for LaRussa to retire and get stuck in a booth or at some studio desk because I bet he would be unbelievably boring, or complaining about all the players he managed, either way hilarious

Doc said:

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I don't see LaRussa doing that (being on TV in any way). When he retires, he'll be that creepy guy who sits at the end of the bar at some small pub with a wide collar shirt buttoned 1/2 way down, smoking a cigarette and walking up to all the ladies asking if he could buy them a drink.

gravedigger said:

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teehee, you said "FISTED!"

Doc said:

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Chip is really into that.

gravedigger said:

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Who isn't?

gravedigger said:

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If we ever get signature capabilities here at CN, mine will be:

"FISTED!" - Chip Carray

Doc said:

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He started using that term when he did commentary from a strip club outside of Atlanta back before he broke into the major leagues.

At some point I will start editing what I say here...but I'm drunk on Skittles this afternoon.

Doc said:

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An ex-girlfriend of mine.

gravedigger said:

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I assume that's why she's an ex.

Doc said:

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lol...

...among other things.

Doc said:

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The yankees are already winning.

Dammit all.

Doc said:

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Jeter and now A-Rod have homered...

Life sucks.

Shari Weiss said:

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Life is great! ;-)

Doc said:

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Only after the Yankees go away.

Shari Weiss said:

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It doesn't look like they're going anywhere. Thankfully.

Doc said:

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Well, the game is now in the 11th, so life isn't so bad now.

I see you've been seduced by the dark side. But there is still good in you.

Doc said:

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And the Angels win it!

Kick ass. Life is great!

millertime said:

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Sadly enough, I actually am rooting for some of the Yankees players. Like A-rod, Swisher, Texiera, Rivera, and CC. So there is no joy in Mudville.

Doc said:

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Another one who's been seduced by the dark side. I once felt like you, but after 1998, I fought back the evil, and came back to the side of good.

Remember, anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. I know you feel the dark side is stronger, but it isn't...just quicker, easier, more seductive. Come back like I did, before it's too late. Come back before it consumes your destiny. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.

millertime said:

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Don't you have episodes of OTH and The OC to go blog about?

Shari Weiss said:

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Actually, I do. At 7pm. For now, it's baseball time.

(Also: do your research before attempting an insult. The O.C. is no longer airing original episodes.)

millertime said:

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I am shocked, shocked to find out that the Orange County was canceled!

Shari Weiss said:

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Not quite canceled. Mutually decided not to continue. More than 2 years ago now.

JulieDiCaro said:

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Um. . . there is a Clark Gable III?

Why was I not informed of this?

http://www.tmz.com/videos?autoplay=true&mediaKey=733121f6-58a0-4322-bdde-470ddd2cfae8

gravedigger said:

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why do i keep getting logged out???

Doc said:

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can't you take a hint?

Ed Nickow said:

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StubHub is messing with Cubs fans.

Check out the email I received this afternoon:

http://ow.ly/vjJW

JulieDiCaro said:

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That is very very VERY sad.

Doc said:

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What a convenient glitch to mess with our fragile emotions. You'd think they were Cardinal fans running...but I think the company was founded out in California.

Ed Nickow said:

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AP reports that fans of several (all?) non-playoff teams received this email. StubHub calls it an "email glitch". (duh)

Of course, it should be noted that the story was first reported at Chicago Sports In Haiku.

I'm just saying ...

Doc said:

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It should be noted, though, that all the other non-playoff teams have a total of 36 fans combined. So, this mainly affected Cub fans.

JulieDiCaro said:

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Yes! I finally beat someone at Fantasy Football! Suck on that, Jeff!

millertime said:

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My projected score this week? 108. I'm currently at 106.

Maim (my opponent) projected score? 101. She got 101.

Damn ESPN Fantasy projections, you on fiyah.

MillsChC said:

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Haha... F the Dodgers.

And... how can Chip Caray yell "Here's the throw to the plate!" when there was NO THROW TO THE PLATE?... just a throw from the outfield to the cutoff man. Good god he sucks.

gravedigger said:

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FISTED!

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