A League of Her Own

Name Your Favorite Cub Hybrid!

Animal Passion

 

I'm not sure why it too me so long to hear about this (I think I blame Carl for not putting it in the morning headlines), but I recently learned that Kansas Senator Sam Brownback has sponsored a bill aimed at outlawing human-animal hybrids. I'll admit that I hadn't realized that human-animal hybrids were a problem, but this is why we need brave Senators like Sam Brownback, who are willing to keep the world safe from minotaurs at the risk of alienating the mermaid vote altogether. 

Vowing to protect the "dignity and sacredness of human life," Republican U.S. Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas is sponsoring legislation that would ban the creation of genetically-spliced humans and animals. "Creating human-animal hybrids, which permanently alter the genetic makeup of an organism, will challenge the very definition of what it means to be human and is a violation of human dignity and a grave injustice," Brownback declared last week in a prepared statement announcing the introduction of the Human-Animal Hybrid Prohibition Act of 2009.

I'm not afraid to say that I find the prospect of human-animal hybrids terrifying. And the more I started to think about it, the more I wondered if these human-animal hybrids are already living amongst us, hiding in plain sight.

Then, all at once, it all became so clear.

The existence of human-animal hybrids may be the answer to all the questions we've had about this Chicago Cubs team. Think about it. . . Aaron Miles' head look strange, doesn't it? Maybe a little TOO strange? Ryan Theriot's range is a little too similar to that of the yak. Rich Harden has the buttocks of a magnificent stallion. Milton Bradley's temperment is more akin to that of a tasmanian devil than a mild-mannered human being.

But rather than shun and outlaw these hybrids, as some people would have us do, I believe that it's our duty as Cubs fans to accept, nay, to EMBRACE, these freaks. . .I mean players. So, I put it to you, dear Cubs fans, to take the first step in declaring your allegiance to this team of half-human, half-animal professional basball players.

Which Cubs hybrid is your favorite?

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31 Comments

Doc said:

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Well, I like the Kevin Gregg hybrid a lot...1/2 man-1/2 racoon...

but my favorite is the Derrek Lee hybrid. 1/2 man-1/2 daddy long legs spider.

MN Pat said:

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Soriano ... half man, half kangaroo

JulieDiCaro said:

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see, i think of him as more half-man, half-racehorse. it's the only species i can think of that has such delicate legs. maybe a min-pin.

summerguy said:

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How could you forget about the teeth??

MN Pat said:

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Maybe bunny rabbit? I was thinking about the hop ...

millertime said:

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Ted Lilly. 1/2 man, 1/2 grizzly bear, 1/2 dragon.

gravedigger said:

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Someone correct me if I'm wrong (and I probably am), but as I'd understood it, the idea behind human-animal hybrids was that you could breed pigs with human hearts. Then, when humans need transplants, you slaughter the pig, give the human the pig's heart, and then give the patient the leftover bacon so he can get a new heart transplant in a few years.

millertime said:

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I am ok with this.

gravedigger said:

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Yeah, I am too. My god I hate pro-lifers, they ruin everything.

Actually, THIS is why I am pro-life. I don't give a shit about all of the other arguments (is an embryo a baby? how the fuck do I know, I don't remember being one). What I do give a shit about is this morality-creep that causes every other tangential issue to be affected, which ends up obstructing valuable scientific research that could actually save some fucking lives that pro-lifers claim to be important in the first place!

GAH!

gravedigger said:

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I meant "why I am pro-choice", too riled up to proof my comment...

Doc said:

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Don't lie to us. You're pro-life.

millertime said:

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I'm pro-life. And pro-bacon.

millertime said:

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I just enjoy bacon.

JulieDiCaro said:

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in order to protect the sanctity of human life, we have to let small children die. sam brownback says so.

millertime said:

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Tom Gorzelaney is ManBearPig.

Doc said:

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oh...I thought that was what Koyie Hill was.

MillsChC said:

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Good for that senator!!! I've never been to Kansas, so for all I know there's human-animal hybrids running amok all over Wichita. Glad someone in the Kansas leadership is doing something about it, instead of those superficial problems everyone else worries too much about like unemployment, crime, etc.

Doc said:

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Well...we do know that there are a lot of Man-Sheep hybrids in scotland.

Doc said:

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I'm not sure where he's playing any more, but Matter Murton was a man-goat hybrid.

He was really rough on the turf at Wrigley because he would graze out there while playing left field.

Doc said:

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Matter? Ugh.

JulieDiCaro said:

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Z: man-sasquatch hybrid. Fuld: man-cairn terrier hybrid (good at running down things and retrieving, wants desperately to be loved), Aaron Miles: man-golom hybrid (so I guess that's really man-hobbit); Fukudome: man-???? are there any animals that spin around and screw themselves into the ground? Fox: man-bulldog hybrid; Lou: man-english sheepdog hybrid (fat, just wants to go to sleep)

Doc said:

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I was actually thinking the lou walks a lot like a rhino.

Doc said:

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or a penguin.

Doc said:

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or the rare and elusive dodo bird.

Doc said:

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or a panda bear.

Dmband said:

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First, excellent post. Hilarious, in fact. Kudos

Second, I have long held the belief that Soriano is half man half lizard. I mean, look at the licking of lips/constant spitting. I see a 'Sobe' sponsorship deal in his future.

JulieDiCaro said:

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Kevin Gregg: half-man, half-sloth. Get it? Because of the poor eyesight? Heh? HEH?

Dmband said:

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Rich Harden-

Half Man-Half Owl. His eyesight is considerably better at night.

That explains A LOT!

millertime said:

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Aaron Miles: half man, half fly.

millertime said:

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Pie was half man, half unicorn. People thought he was special, but it turns out he was just a horse with a horn, and not all that good at baseball on the MLB level.

millertime said:

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Aramis: Half man, half lion. He's powerful and awesome, but comes across as lazy.

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