A League of Her Own

Chicago Cubs Second Half Predictions

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"I can tell you one thing: we're gonna need a lot more cocktails!"

The second half of the season is upon us. LOHO appears to have survived intact, though Carl will be out with a flashlight and search party to bring in the rest of the stragglers. Doc, it's time to end the hunger strike. Gravedigger, come in off the ledge. Flyball, more coffee is not the answer to this season. Abe, dust off the standings flags with the Cubs at the top.

Get out your "W" flags, prepare your bragging rights, and flip it up, spin it around, and strap it down (or whatever)! I've got a good feeling about the way things are headed.

It's time to think about Act II.

 

Ryan Braun has weighed in (and been sent to the corner to think about what he said):

"[The Cubs] starting pitching is a lot better than ours," Braun said. "They threw the ball a lot better than our starters did. They certainly swung the bats better than we did. Clearly they were the better team. It's nice to get the one win but they clearly outplayed us and outperformed us all series."

John Kruk has weighed in:

Chicago, despite its sluggish start, is going to be fine. Derrek Lee is starting to hit better and Aramis Ramirez is back from the disabled list, both of which should aid the Cubs in their quest for the division's top spot. They might have struggled for much of the season so far, but they're the best team in that division. And it's reasonable to expect their performance in the second half to be indicative of that.

Gene Wojciechowski has weighed in:

It also would be nice if Milton Bradley began hitting like Milton Bradley. And if Kosuke Fukudome could pretend every month is April. And if Geovany Soto could remember what it was like to be the NL Rookie of the Year.

In the end, though, it will come down to starting pitching. It always does. The Cubs have more of the good stuff than the Cardinals, Brewers, Astros, Reds and Pirates. Then again, they also have Zambrano, who could explode like an M-80 anytime.

But I'll take my chances in the second half with these guys, including the goofy Big Z. And I think the trickle-down effect of Ramirez's return means the Cubs' offense won't be kidnapped for days at a time.

Now, we look to you, intrepid LOHO readers, to tell us what YOU think will happen in the second half.

 My predictions:

1) The Ricketts' family ownership will get off to a rough start, beginning with the ill-advised "Michael Jackson Memorial Build-An-Anatomically-Correct-Bear" giveaway.

2) Milton Bradley and Paul Sullivan, after one too many tense locker room interviews and fumes from a vat of Icy Hot, will both confess that they never felt pretty and will collapse sobbing into each others' arms.

3)  Lou will cease caring about appearances and will take to pacing the dugout with a highball glass in his hand.

4) Ryan Braun's big mouth will cause him to be blacklisted by all major-league GMs, forcing him to take a job as spokesmodel for the world's first designer clothing store for tiny, tiny, little men.

5) Corey Hart will be on TV describing what the tornado sounded like.

6)  Alfonso Soriano, finally convinced by Lou to give up the hop, will not catch another ball all season.

7) Albert Pujols will finally get bused for PEDs. Unfortunately for Cubs fans, evidence will prove that the PEDs, having arrived via Mexico, had been expired for 16 months and hence rendered completely ineffective.

8) Ryan Theriot will be cast as a D'Artangan in a remake of "Les Trois Mousequtaires." The irony of Aramis being passed over will be lost on him.

9) DLee will win the triple crown and hold a press conference wherein he forgives all of us who refused to believe in him this season.

10) The Cubs will win the division going away.

You're up. 

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17 Comments

Carl Heartscubs Gierhan said:

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1. Randy Wells will win the rest of his starts and win both the Cy Young and ROY.

2. Derrek Lee will hit a home run in every remaining game.

3. The player to be named in the Ryan Freel trade will end up being Zach Greinke, due to a clerical error in the Royals' front office.

4. Tom Hicks, finally feeling the pressure of his financial difficulties, will trade Ian Kinsler to the Cubs for Aaron Miles and Kevin Hart.

JulieDiCaro said:

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Number 3 is my favorite.

Doc said:

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1. Milton Bradley will have an great second half. He will go 5 for 5 in the first game after the All-Star break against the Nationals (making everyone announce that he is truly out of his slump)...then he gets hurt in the second game and misses the rest of the season.

2. Hufflepuff will replace Bradley in right and win rookie of the year after hitting 40 hrs in the last 2 1/2 months of the season.

3. Soriano will be moved back to 2nd base and bat lead-off again because Lou thinks "he'll be comfortable playing there and he plays better when he's comfortable".

4. Derrek Lee requests a trade 2 days before the trading deadline because he is sick and tired of digging balls out of the dirt of chasing balls thrown into the dugout from Soriano at second.

5. Aaron Miles is DFA'd as soon as he comes off the DL, and then is traded to Milwaukee, since their quota of ex-cubs hasn't been met since Prince Fielder accidentally sat on Jason Kendall in the dugout and broke Kendall's neck, ending his season, and very possibly his career.

6. Ricketts takes control of the team at the end of July, and immediately fires the whole coaching staff except Larry Rothschild.

7. Since Thomas Ricketts met his wife in the bleachers, he blocks out a whole section of them so he and his family have a place to sit every game. It just happens that it is the section where Al Yellon sits and he and the Dittoheads from BCB all become Sox fans. The average IQ of Cub fans instantly increases by 50 points.

8. In his last act as Cubs President, Crane Kenney convinces the Pope to come and bless the cubs and wrigley field since the Greek Orthodox priest thing didn't work last year...he thought he'd get a little more punch this season. Ricketts then fires his ass.

9. After hearing how much I hate my job and want to leave it, Lou Pinella (before he gets fired) asks me to join the organization to help Carlos Marmol fix his pitching motion and become awesome again. I agree as long as Fontenot is benched and can sit in the clubhouse to watch Saffron for me.

10. Aramis Ramirez wins MVP. (simple as that)

11. While pitching vs. St. Louis in September, Ted Lilly tells Albert Poo-Holes that he is going to hit him with a pitch directly in the head. He does, Poo-holes charges the mound and Lilly, in one swift punch, knocks him out cold. Lilly suspended the rest of the season, and Poo-holes recovers but hits under .100 for the rest of the season citing his fear of Ted Lilly has distracted him.

12. Oh...and the Cubs win the division and make it to the world series. I'm not sure if they win the series or not...I can't really see that well into the future.

flyball said:

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1. During the September series in St Louis a fight breaks out when Khalil Greene starts yelling at Geo for a past "bogarting" offense

2. Aramis struggles in his return, but nobody notices because its just so good to see him back, his first hit comes next Friday as a grand slam.

3. The team uses the All-Star break to go on a team building ropes course, at night while making s'mores Reed burns every marshmallow he tries to roast and Lou takes away his stick.

4. The batters remember that hitting the ball is good and the Cubs win the division by 5 games.

thisyearcub said:

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I like your No. 4, flyball, except I think it will be 3 games.

No other predictions I guess, except 1. Paul Sullivan will continue to spew misinformation, and 2. The Cubs FINALLY win at least one playoff game.

Doc said:

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I predict that Mark DeRosa will go on the DL for the cardinals.

Wow! I'm good! Look!

Cardinal Nation Weeps

JulieDiCaro said:

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LOL.

a lot of people (from other teams) think McDreamy is toxic. Whatever team he goes to starts losing or someone gets hurt.

Doc said:

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Wow...so is Aaron Miles the Cardinals version of Mark DeRosa?

Doc said:

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Hey there, Ricketts Boy...not so fast!

Utay still wants the team!

JulieDiCaro said:

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I was just about to post this link from Dave Kaplan's blog:

http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/david-kaplan-chicago-sports/2009/07/all-of-the-misinformation-out-there-about-the-sale-of-the-cubs.html

he does a pretty good job of running down exactly what has to happen before the team is sold.

Doc said:

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Why do I have the feeling this is going drag on for another 6 months?

flyball said:

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because it will

Doc said:

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I'm not sure I will be able to take 6 more months of Sam Zell owning this club.

Sam Zell makes love to his money every night

Max Power said:

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My prediction? Jake Fox, if allowed to see the light of day, will continue to put up big numbers.

My other prediction is that Jake Fox will be putting large puddles of grease (in an homage to Wile E. Coyote) in front of Ramirez's locker in the hopes of increasing the chances for my first prediction.

thisyearcub said:

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I predict Ryan Dempster will go on the 15-day DL with a fractured toe. Oh whoops, that just happened.

MillsChC said:

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I predict he was doing something stupid when he broke his toe.

jtbwriter said:

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Even with poor Dempster on the shelf-if the Ricketts open the purse strings and spring for a relief pitcher, I still think the Cubs will win the division!

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