Oh hello! It's been a while.
In fact, it's been so long that since my last post, there have been major technological developments (mostly related to Apple), an unnatural disaster, a national holiday, about 17 celebrity deaths, and a new Gaga song.
Truth be told, shit ain't been so exciting 'round these parts. My hangover rate has decreased by 75%, largely on account of the fact that I am hot and heavy into road racing season.
Fernando.
I spent last Friday night as I do most Friday nights these days-- sleeping. I spent last Friday in the bowels of Illinois with two male teammates. The only lesbianic element about it was when I was falling asleep and doing my brain plyometrics, which rendered my ability to identify 15 gay Chicago 'Amy's, on the spot, which may very well be a post or a study for another day. Speaking of studies, this man sleepover was very Dian Fossey. I felt like I was observing the gorillas in the mist-- ball scratching, chest bumping, fist pumping and all. The boys managed to clog our toilet within 3 minutes of arrival to the hotel. We then escaped to devour fuckloads of pasta and a responsibly sized bottle of Chianti, as the great Italian racers do. We fell asleep to "Pet Sematary" on tv and awoke to one of my teammates saying, "Don't go in there" in his best Fred Gwynne voice-- a double entendre both for our inevitable dreams of pet sematary and for the giant turd whose remains still haunted our bathroom.
Roberto.
High holy holidays: take one
a Chicago-based lesbian searching for her dignity
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As such, I am looking forward to some serious estrogen laced action
this weekend for Midsommarfest, the first of the high holy holidays.
Things you can expect: bum-rushing T's when the street portion shuts
down for the night, hearing some shitty live music/cover bands that
will make you want to set yourself on fire, and running into 4/5 women
you've ever made out with/slept with/dated/married who still live in
Chicago. Everyone talks about women "coming out of the woodwork" once
the first of the homo festivals hits, however they fail to acknowledge
that this also implies the reemergence of all of your exes.
Alejandro.
So you need to be prepared. Here's what you need in your wheelhouse to say "everything you own in a box to the left; 'twas a house built on sand; your girl is lovely, Hubbell."
1. A pair of plaid clamdiggers/Bermuda shorts, or board shorts. After all, there is nothing that says "I'm a big ol' Chicago dyke" like a nice pair of Hollister plaids, or board shorts when you clearly have not been to the beach.
2. An individual who your ex(es) knows is not your best friend or your cousin visiting from out of town, whose ass you can gently graze when needed. This says to your ex(es), "yeah. I'm tapping this."
3. A tan that says, "I've been lightin' it up and layin' it down on the flag football field." If you're really hardcore, you'll have a pattern from the flags tanned onto your legs. Also acceptable is a hand tan in the shape of the vents on your softball mitt.
Follow these simple rules and ya girl will have you slammed up against the T's pool table or holding your hand during the Catfight show in no time.
Ale ale jandro ale ale jandro...
Alejandro.
So you need to be prepared. Here's what you need in your wheelhouse to say "everything you own in a box to the left; 'twas a house built on sand; your girl is lovely, Hubbell."
1. A pair of plaid clamdiggers/Bermuda shorts, or board shorts. After all, there is nothing that says "I'm a big ol' Chicago dyke" like a nice pair of Hollister plaids, or board shorts when you clearly have not been to the beach.
2. An individual who your ex(es) knows is not your best friend or your cousin visiting from out of town, whose ass you can gently graze when needed. This says to your ex(es), "yeah. I'm tapping this."
3. A tan that says, "I've been lightin' it up and layin' it down on the flag football field." If you're really hardcore, you'll have a pattern from the flags tanned onto your legs. Also acceptable is a hand tan in the shape of the vents on your softball mitt.
Follow these simple rules and ya girl will have you slammed up against the T's pool table or holding your hand during the Catfight show in no time.
Ale ale jandro ale ale jandro...
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