How to throw a lesbian baby shower
I don't think it's going to come as a surprise to anyone that lesbians don't experience too many unplanned pregnancies. As such, might I recommend that you women take a page from my first friend set of expectant moms and plan to have your final trimester fall during the Super Bowl.
Lesbians can find all sorts of reasons to miss a baby shower. "I am in the first 6 months of a relationship," or "I am cleaning the grout in my bathroom this weekend," or "I have a softball game." However, lesbians don't miss the Super Bowl. Even bad lesbians like me who thought Tim Tebow was in the Super Bowl. oops.
We knew this baby was coming, but when someone mentioned the words, "baby shower," we all kind of recoiled like someone had told us we had to go in for colonoscopies. I know nothing about prams, strollers, breast pumps, or the difference between a 2 month old and an 18 month old, really. In fact, at one point during the party, I leaned over to someone and said, "Do babies sleep on their sides, backs, or stomachs now?" I also told the story of how when I was 11, I accidentally threw a young child into a moving ceiling fan. I was tossing him up and catching him like you see parents do, but failed to account for the low ceilings. Whatever, I was 11. And the kid was totally fine. Nonetheless, the sharing of this childhood story immediately exempted me from babysitting duty. Phew! Only supervised visits for Aunt Katherine.
In the shower planning emails, it was also made abundantly clear that we would not be playing the usual cutesy games that the ladies do at showers...like eating mashed up chocolate out of a diaper and saying, "ooooh! Baby made a stinky!" So our game and entertainment captains, Bobbi and Flo, set to work scouring the internet for baby shower games for men, loosely interpreted to mean 'lesbians.' I assure you it was a rollicking good time, but I will let you judge for yourself. We are coming of age as parents, my friends. Learn from this, and reproduce what we have created here. Brilliance.
(to see the slideshow, click 'view the gallery' below the thumbnails. note: there are captions)
In this gallery
Balloons for baby!
Balloons for lesbians!
Remove all cups before the party even begins so as to force beer and liquor consumption via baby bottle.
Set up betting squares. 4 for me, 1 for baby. Of course with those odds, baby wins. Which is as it should be. Stop being competitive for once in your life, lesbians.
Make sure your guests have fine, local craft brews.
Some guests are better than others. This one followed the directive and is drinking her brewski from the bottle...the baby bottle.
Sometimes some of the guests need assistance, particularly with burping.
Introduce sooooome cutesy ideas. The notes that ended up on these diapers were perhaps not so cute. But they sure were funny!
The finished product. I think the moms will actually look FORWARD to diaper changing. Well, putting a new one on maybe. I equate taking off the soiled one to picking up dog shit. It never gets any less unpleasant.
Mom-to-be enjoying beer in a 'proper' bottle.
Birth mom-to-be says O'Doul's tastes better from the baby bottle. Make note of this, pregnant ladies and recovering alcoholics.
Guys!!! Who was watching her?! Even I know that's not how a baby should sit. She's gonna get SIDS or something...
Fun irreverent game #1: spit the binky.
This is a distance competition. Too much arc. You lose.
Taking a break after the first competition to spend time with the babes.
Guys, again. NOT ok. Babies are not hood ornaments.
When uncertain as to whether baby should be sleeping on stomach, back, or side, simply prop baby in the upright position.
Our Filipino friend telling us that the tides are changing. No longer will white Americans adopt Filipino babies. It's time now that the Filipino Americans adopt the white babies.
Have you tried holding a baby for an entire Super Bowl? Your arms get tired. This is brilliant innovation right here.
"I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricasie, or a ragoust." Jonathan Swift--"A Modest Proposal"
"I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that of the hundred and twenty thousand children, already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle, or swine, and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore, one male will be sufficient to serve four females." Jonathan Swift--"A Modest Proposal"
My god! She has now adopted TWO white babies!? This IS the future of America.
Fun irreverent game #2: bobbing for nipples (no, you pervert! The ones from the baby bottles!).
Look at that nipple grab! Ladies, she's single...
Halftime = present opening time. Umm, mom? I think that's for the baby's bottle, not your beer bottle.
"Shut up, I'm trying to watch the Who." Ohhhh the irony...
Balloons for baby!
2 Comments
searah said:
We just had our lesbian baby shower a couple weeks ago and I couldn't agree more. We asked (insisted?) that the lovely host committee call it a baby "party" because the term "shower" makes me want to vomit.
Alicia Eler said:
Nice! I prefer the term "baby party" as well.
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