As Chicago's very own Bar-tender, I peruse about 70 to 80 complaints filed each day and the more I do it, the more I realize that lawyers are indeed human (insert lawyer joke here, something along the lines of lawyers being more snakelike than human, yada yada). What I mean is, lawyers make mistakes... a lot of them.
So, you graduated law school, you passed the bar, you're charging clients (probably outrageous fees) for your services and you still make these silly mistakes?! Get it together, counselors! [Note: Yes, I'm a lawyer turned Bar-tender and I'm not perfect either but that's not going to stop me from making fun of you in the list below. Enjoy!]
1. I am a lawyer by day, fortune teller by night. Oh, really? Or, maybe, you just chose not to read the complaint before you filed it and, therefore, failed to notice that it says "On or about September 1, 2012..." Dear Counselor, while you're at it, please tell us what will happen on December 21, 2012. Will the world end? Will your client slip and fall at a Home Depot?
2. My client decided to change her name. It's ok to use a template for cases with similar claims. Why reinvent the wheel? But, please, at least check that the "Find and Replace" of your other client's name actually worked. When plaintiff Jane Black becomes John Smith halfway through the complaint, it's just insulting to everyone involved.
3. Oh yeah, and my client got a sex change, too. I see that. And, it also happened halfway through the complaint. Is your client a he or a she? Just pick one. Don't switch back and forth. Better yet, why don't you just take a few minutes and read the whole complaint before you file it? Yes, you can bill for your time.
4. I always carry White Out and a pen with me. Yes, you do! Always prepared like a good Scout. I've seen your complaints with parts whited out (how retro!) and 'Law Division' crossed out to say 'Chancery Division' (at least you've got neat handwriting, unlike your doctor friends). Oh, by the way, how do you spell professional?
5. If I were good with numbers, I would have become an accountant. True. But, you do know how to count, right? You might want to give the complaint a once over and check paragraph numbers. That automatic numbering feature in Word isn't magic.
Now, let's talk about an area where most lawyers truly excel. Based on personal experience, I have a feeling a number of you might enjoy an event called Beer for Bloggers. It's coming to Chicago this Friday at the Hilton. Read more here.
Follow me on Twitter @jenfernicola.