CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz has been yanked from covering the prestigious Masters golf tuhnament because of the messy divorce he just went through.
"I say, uh, I say, uh, we simply cannot countenance what Jim has done," said Hootie Pusser, chairman of Augusta National, site of golf's greatest tuhnament. "We love Jim. We know the Lord loves Jim. But what he has done could make the azaleas and magnolias blush and wilt respectively."
What Nantz did was divorce his wife Ann-Lorraine "Lorrie" Carlsen Nantz, whom he had been married to for 26 years. Nantz, 50, has been dating a 29-year-old woman since before the divorce was final but the judge in the divorce case concluded that the marriage had deteriorated years earlier and "this remote event in no way contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, and, besides, this girl is hot. I wonder if she bikini waxes."
The mention of "bikini wax" was an allusion to CBS golf sportscaster Gary McCord's slander against Augusta during the 1994 Masters when he said that the greens were so slick that the club must have "used bikini wax" on them. McCord was banned from covering The Masters after that. The Masters was appalled because it prides itself on purity. There is, for example, only one 30-second commercial during the entire four rounds, and that is for the Audobon Audio Auxiliary, which is dedicated to providing fake bird noises to accompany the tuhnament's tuhlecast.
Pusser said that while Nantz has been "a tremendous announcer, we have gone to such great pains to make the Mastuhs pristine. We just can't risk that, for example, at the end of the tuhnament viewers are going to see Tiger Woods putting the green jacket on in that holy enclave we use and the viewers are going to start wondering if Jim used the place as the Butler Stabbin' Cabin."
Nantz, who earns $3.2 million a year, will pay his ex-wife $916,000 a year. He still will cover many other tournaments televised by CBS and is the principal voice of the NFL's coverage. "But this sucks," he said. "I mean we do the AFC games on CBS. Mainly lousy markets. And now I'm going to be relegated to the Jackie Gleason Inverrary Classic or whatever it's called."
Meanwhile, CBS said no replacement for Nantz has been named, though many have stepped forward to volunteer, including Marv Albert. "I just think I have the gritty voice that sounds like Watson yelling with a mouthful of sand after he's blasted out of the greenside bunker on 18. And as for bikini wax, well, I can attest that I never used that. That would be kinky."
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