Derrick Rose changes name to Rich East

"Yes, I am no longer Derrick Rose. Derrick Rose is dead," Derrick Rose said. "I am Rich East. Or Richard East. Or maybe like Dick Allen I'll be Dick East," he said.

Dick Allen was the name that Richie Allen used when he came to the White Sox from the Phillies back in the day.

"I have got to hand it to that high school in Park Forest," East (nee Rose) said. "I mean all I did was have someone sit in for me and take the SAT for me in Detroit after I couldn't do anything taking the ACT three times in Chicago. But I'm just one person. This is a whole high school that pulled this off."

Actually, it's whole school districts, according to a page one story on Sunday in the World's Greatest Newspaper in Bankruptcy. What Rich East and other schools statewide are doing is ratcheting up credit hour requirements so that thousands of underperforming students don't qualify as "juniors" and are excluded from taking the Prairie State Achievement Exam, which is used to hold schools accountable for student achievement under No Child Left Behind.

Many students then take the exam when they are seniors, but senior results don't count for No Child Left Behind. How underachieving students skip from being sophomores to seniors is interesting, but this reporter got bored with the Trib story after that. I imagine the phenomenon of the phantom juniors is like the 14th floor in many buildings. It's really the 13th, which has cooties.

"The point is that Rich East, the school, not me, is helping to defraud the federal and state governments and the spirit of No Child Left Behind. And if learning how to play the angles isn't what education is all about, then I don't know what is," said East, whose alleged chicanery with the SAT caused the NCAA to strip Memphis, the university he attended for one year, of its 38 victories in basketball, which included an appearance in the NCAA tournament Final Four.

"Final Four, Final Shmore," Rose said. "What Rich East and others are doing involves billions of dollars and thousands and thousands of kids. Moreover, it brings into question just about any program the federal government comes up with, like say health care. I mean I'm good at driving to the hoop, but the way these schools went through the loopholes is startling.

"The whole point of No Child Left Behind is to make schools accountable. And they're making themselves accountable by not counting lots of kids. They succeed at No Child Left Behind by leaving kids behind and not allowing them to be juniors. You have to love it," East said.