Blackhawks Confidential

As Blackhawks bandwagon gets crowded, the high and the mighty chime in from afar

brouwerinboston.jpgThe time has come to introduce some distinguished critics to Blackhawks Confidential to analzye what's shaping up to be a season where everyone thinks they're experts.

Many Hawks fans have fallen off the wagon more times than they can count, so I guess we should start worrying how soon the new bandwagon riders will feel the pain of free fall should what's going up like a rocket come down faster than a Viagra overdose gone bad.

Although any talk about popping balloons on West Madison Street is heresy and punishable under penalty of law by being forced to watch 20 consecutive Chicago Wolves games.

"I feel the pain of a little censure, even when it is unfounded, is more acute than the pleasure of much praise," Thomas Jefferson e-mailed us from some mountaintop in Virginia, where redcoats are hated as much as Red Wings.

OK, then, Tommy, the mighty and infallible Blackhawks won't mind being lectured in stern tones that they must quit starting so many games slowly, knowing that they will catch up with the flow when they so desire to partake. It's a bad trend, even if your shot totals scream in delight at being a NHL-best 33.4 for the good guys and 24.1 for the bad guys.

"We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess," Mark Twain twittered from his steamboat ride down the Mississippi.

OK, Twainer (no relation to Kaner), so let's take a moment to point out to any of you smuggery supporters who can see no flaws, the Hawks' power-play percentage at United Center of 16.8 per cent (16 goals from 95 chances) is terrible. Never the twain shall meet between Stanley Cup and this club unless that category dramatically improves.

"There is no one wise man in twenty that will praise himself," Will Shakespeare texted.

Oh, I don't know. Get these Hawks in a bar with a few glasses under them and I bet they're willing to tell the girls how studly they are. Unless they're making completely different kinds of hockey players in this generation than when I was around them every day.

"If one man praises you, a thousand will repeat the praise," said a Japanese proverb in a Chinese fortune cookie that was dropped through our mail slot by a passing drunk.

Hey, what do you want all us bloggers to do? We are here to share the love, since finding hockey in the mainstream media always has been much harder than finding Chris Chelios at 3 a. m.

"There are two modes of establishing our reputation: to be praised by honest men and to be abused by rogues," tweets English sportsman Charles Caleb Colton. "It is best, however, to secure the former because it will invariably be accompanied by the latter."

Charlie is obviously leery about the eight straight road games the Hawks play from Jan. 16 through Jan. 30, including a NBC game at 11:30 a. m. Sunday, Jan., 17, in Detroit. It may bring back the dastardly rogues in droves with the challenge of tramping through Columbus, Motown, Ottawa, Calgary, Vancouver, Edmonton, San Jose and Carolina, where game times are all over the map and physical stamina will be a premium.

Especially if you spend much time in bars telling the lovelies how good you are.

"Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course...the space between your ears," Bobby Jones faxed us from the 19th hole, telling us to substitute hockey for golf.

Resident genius Scotty Bowman explained to writer Dan McGrath of the new Chicago News Co-op why he punted Denis Savard out of his job and slid Joel Quenneville into it. "The Hawks were a young team that needed structure," he said. "Nothing against Denis, but it's hard to be a bench coach if you haven't done it before."

Translation: Savard didn't know what the hell he was doing and I fixed it. You're welcome. I've always been able to translate genius speak. I can assure you this, Bowman reminds Savard of Mike Keenan, both geniuses who can kiss his ass.

"As I watch the Blackhawks right now, I can't help but think back to the 1987 documentary, "The Boys On The Bus," ESPN's Pierre LeBrun blogs during Thursday night's Boston massacre, rolling back a 2-0 deficit allowing the Hawks to show off in a 5-2 win.

Uh, oh. He raised comparisons to Gretzky, Messier and those oil-gushing days of lore. This really is getting scary.

Do we have filmmakers out there right now shooting our boys on the bus? If not, there should be. Sounds like easy money to me. Will there be film of Savard being thrown under the bus to start the movie?

"He who praises me on all occasions is a fool who despises me or a knave who wishes to cheat me," said a Chinese proverb in a Japanese fortune cookie sent through the in-house mails by our pal commissioner Gary Bettman, who plans to open an investigation into whether we have now exceeded our salary cap on proverbs.

I hope I live to 2040 to hear the results of the investigation.

I think Gary in this Chinese proverb is telling us to go ahead and be smuggery about the Blackhawks, but at the same time watch your ass.

Who knows what effect the two-week Olympic layoff in February will have on Hawks momentum. Who knows what injuries could still pop up to make Pepto Bismol your beverage of choice by April.

"The point is, these guys not only are first in the NHL, but they're also doing it with style," Lebrun praises on.

Damn fools and knaves. We are all killing the Hawks with kindness.

Who knew "Killing Me Softly" would become the Hawks' theme song this season. Can we still get Roberta Flack to United Center?

Man, she'd rock the joint with that downer. Although maybe we all need to relax right now and go with the flow.

Unfortunately, God didn't provide us with a fast-forward button. What a poor sport. This human design is as sloppy as General Motors.

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12 Comments

Jimmy Greenfield said:

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Great post, Mike. The adulation is getting to the point where anything short of a Stanley Cup will be considered a disappointment. I can live with that.

Dave Morris said:

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Doctor Kiley, well spoken...as you suggest, the Media Mob exist for one thing: to manufacture myths so they can carpet-bomb them later.

It's the legacy of William Randolph Hearst and Josef Schumpeter, both of whom, apparently, really only wanted to be hockey players.

The bandwagon bla-bla comes from the same mouths who keep telling everybody the Hawks will evaporate into a puff of salary cap smoke next year.

Mike Kiley said:

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My Highest Majesty David, every time you refer to me as doctor I wonder if I'm that much of a quack, which most doctors are. I prefer to be in legion with Doc Holliday or Doc Rivers. So I'll look at it that way.

Dave Morris said:

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Mike, as Doctor of Hawkey, you prescribe some right powerful medication.

;-)

Cheers.

Jerry Kayne said:

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Mike, I wish I could write as pretty as you can do.

Mike Kiley said:

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Thanks, mom. Nice of you.

fattybeef said:

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Woah Dave, Jimmy just beat your word earlier with "adulation" and Im pretty sure that is not a made up word.

The Hawks should win the cup this year. Theyre the best team top to bottom in the NHL so if they do not win then yes it is a disapointment.

Theyre not going to suck next year, I dont care what anyone says. They will be above average stiill and that will be Kaner's real shot at the MVP.

Doc Holliday was a dentist so still kind of a doctor.

GET PUMPED DUDE! Awesome hockey finally with players that arent a bunch of wank jobs. How often can you say that about a dominating sports team? Soak that shit up and ride the wave to Sir Stanley's beach house of glory. Where the fishings good, the women wild, the beer cold and the view.... priceless!

Mike Kiley said:

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How long a lease we got on paradise? Oh, well, we'll throw it on the expense account. C'mon and join us Kovie. Sounds like a party.

SouthSideHawkMan said:

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Mike great work like usual, Hmmm did Pierre LeBrun really say that and make that comparison? I'm just enjoying this team and looking forward to the continued success of this organization. Mike just sit back and enjoy the ride....cause these kids can play!

Mike Kiley said:

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Just like Edmonton of yesteryear, a well-oiled machine, with a much better downtown area.

SouthSideHawkMan said:

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Hmmm what happened?

Jerry Kayne said:

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Critics, schmidics. I hope the Hawks kids are protected from anything not team related by a giant, salt & pepper, mustache bubble.

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