Blackhawks Confidential

WILCO, Blackhawks team up to sing new song; fans will comply

tweedy.jpgEven a cantankerous, crusty neanderthal like me, who started out as a choirboy accompanying Bobby Darin in singing "Splish Splash I was taking a bath long about a Saturday night," can like Wilco. And you know why?

Because I'm so misunderstood, just as Jeff Tweedy and the boys have said so eloquently. And I'm honest when I'm tellin a lie.

Not to mention that I'm short on long term goals. And like the guitar player taken for a ride, I ain't never satisfied.

And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, step to the back of the line with all the rest of the facists. You facists are bound to lose.

Bill Wirtz used to like to tell stories about Sonja Henie, a Norwegian ice goddess from a former generation who skated her way into fluffy American musical comedies when they were vogue and the Blackhawks were a modern marvel in Chicago.

But in another reminder that the present hockey age has moved from daylight snoring time overnight at United Center to the sunshine express, the Blackhawks have teamed up with Chicago-rooted band Wilco just to assure us they are relevant again.

Plus, Wilco's trying to sell their new album the same old-fashioned way that team president John McDonough's trying to peddle us Cristobal Huet. Everyone's still looking for the right groove in search of record sales and rave reviews.

By filling out a sweepstakes ticket at the Hawks website, you have a chance to win tickets to a Hawks game Oct. 17, a Wilco concert Oct. 18 and advise general manager Stan Bowman by Oct. 19 on how to get a much better sixth defenseman so Cam Barker isn't hung out to dry skating on a third defensive pairing with nobody as his partner.

I somewhat doubt that Rocky Wirtz has been a secret Wilco groupie and can be caught singing "Handshake Drugs" and "Jesus, Etc." in the shower, but in a clear attempt to update their relationship with a hip segment of their fan base, the Hawks are seeking to be cool.

Always one to reach out and cooperate with the latest hustle, I have matched up the Wilco songbook with Hawks players and personnel to save them the trouble. I know they are busy raising concession prices for Saturday's home opener.

I, too, am trying to be cool while hoping that none of the retirement home interns with whom I've had sex will seek to blackmail me by spilling the fava beans and having a blackmailer decide to write a screenplay of my prodigious exploits.

So if Wilco wouldn't mind serenading the Blackhawks one by one at the UC, here's how they should arrange the set.

"I GOT YOU (AT THE END OF THE CENTURY)": Marian Hossa.
Unless an endless NHL investigation sets back time.

"PICK UP THE CHANGE": Patrick Kane
Dollar Bill would have loved him better than Jeremy Roenick.

"CHRIST FOR PRESIDENT:" Jonathan Toews
Captain Christ to you.

"I AM TRYING TO BREAK YOUR HEART": Cristobal Huet
You're doing a hell of a job.

"SOMEDAY SOON": Andy Niemi
Maybe sooner, maybe by November.

"NOTHING'SEVERGONNASTANDINMYWAY (AGAIN)": Dustin Byfuglien
The disappearing act ends for Dusty.

"MEANEST MAN": Brent Seabrook
Get out of my way.

"ON AND ON AND ON": Duncan Keith
He'll be a Hawk forever when the 20-year deal is announced.

"IT'S JUST THAT SIMPLE": Brian Campbell
Bank the most, do the most. Or get ripped.

"WISHFUL THINKING": Kris Versteeg
Some love him, some doubt him. Put me in the first group.

"HEAVY METAL DRUMMER": Patrick Sharp
The beat goes on with Mr. Consistency.

"SUNKEN TREASURE": Dave Bolland
Overpaid? He will be worth every penny.

"SAY YOU MISS ME": Adam Burish
I miss someone saying something funny.

"HOODOO VOODOO": John Madden
The Madden magic show is underway.

"I'LL FIGHT": Tomas Kopecky
I hope Tommy Boy is fighting mad Thursday returning to Detroit.

"LESS THAN YOU THINK": Brent Sopel
Slow, slower and slowest.

"BOX FULL OF LETTERS": Niklas Hjalmarsson
And a trunk full of potential, too.

"YOU NEVER KNOW": Cam Barker
Trade bait or someone to lean on?

"WHEN YOU WAKE UP FEELING OLD": Scotty Bowman
I know the feeling, Scotty.

"I WAS BORN": Stan Bowman
Nothing better than silver spoons.

"AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID:" John McDonough
Explain to me again why Tallon was fired?

"ALL YOU FACISTS": Martin Havlat
Gotta keep Marty in the fold for laughs.

"ANOTHER MAN's DONE GONE": Nikolai Khabibulin
Nikky, we hardly knew ye.

"WAY OVER YONDER IN THE MINOR KEY": Jordan Hendry, Aaron Johnson, Andrew Ladd, Radek Smolanek, Colin Fraser, Troy Brouwer, Ben Eager
All looking to strike the right chord.

"IN A FUTURE AGE": Jack Skille, Kyle Beach, Akim Aliu
Hope springs eternal. Although sometimes you need Viagra.

"AT MY WINDOW SAD AND LONELY": Corey Crawford
How would you like to live in Rockford?

"OUTTASITE (OUTTA MIND)": Dale Tallon
Scouting the universe and beyond.

"EVERLASTING EVERYTHING:" Denis Savard
Forever popular, forever Savvy.

"FAR, FAR AWAY": Bob Pulford
But not far enough for those who hold a grudge.

"WHY WOULD YOU WANNA LIVE:" Mike Kiley
Next question.

In closing, I'd like to thank you all for nothing at all. There's a fortune inside my head. But all I touch turns to lead.

Think I'll just crawl back in bed.

I'm just so misunderstood.

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10 Comments

steven said:

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this is the stupidest thing i have ever read.

Mike Kiley said:

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How could you possibly have missed all the other stupid things I've written in 40 years? I can be way worse.

Forklift said:

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Don't sell yourself short, you're an incredible slouch.

Mike Kiley said:

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Nice to have friends who can appreciate my idiocy.

Jay Zawaski said:

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This is awesome Mike. Well done.

andyc said:

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OK so being from Canada maybe I'm missing the Wilco connection....but last time I looked Cheap Trick were Chicago's prodigal sons.....WTF?(Ok rockford)

steven said:

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i love that Zawaski likes it. that's precious. i also love andyc. yes, the horrible band that was/is Cheap Trick can trace its roots to Rockford. Rockford wants you to want Rockford. sadly, no one wants Rockford. or Loves Park.

Dave Morris said:

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Mike, what an education. Your column, I mean.

Wilco, eh.

Being a guy who likes Buddy Guy and Beethoven, reading about these newfangled groups the kids favor is a real eyeopener for me.

But then, so are your drinking stories about Mike Keenan and Michel '50 Shots' Goulet.

If Arthur Wirtz were still alive (and who knows, he may be due to the miracle of cryogenics), he'd have Sonja Henie paired with Cam Barker to give the Hawks some real mean on D. Or Barbara Ann Scott. No, wait, Barbara Ann and Brent Sopel. That's whatcha call blue line depth.

Oh, and McD will tell StanBow to trade Cristo to the Flyers for Ray Emery before Christmas. There's a rumor fer ya, because Lawd Nose we needs one. Big Johnson for Kyle Greentree isn't exactly headline news.

Finally, could Adam Burish be the heir to Jerry Springer in his life after hockey?

Mike Kiley said:

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The Hawks tried to get Beethoven, but the dog was already booked for a weekend kids' party.

Dave Morris said:

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Mike, you got any good drinking stories about you and Bobby Darin?

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