Bitter Old Queen

Welcome To My Big Fat Penguin-Themed Gay Wedding


I was intrigued to read that SAS Scandinavian Airlines is planning to hold the first gay wedding in the sky; it's complicated, but the airline is having some kind of raffle (raffles baffle me) and the winning couple can get hitched somewhere over the Atlantic between Sweden and New York; possibly near where the Titanic went down. Presumably, the honeymoon for this Mile-High Wedding is a quickie in the bathroom. 

How soon we have gone from serious commitment ceremonies to trivializing our relationships with gimmicky weddings. What next? There has to be a gay skydiving wedding soon, an underwater swimming-with-dolphins gay wedding, fired out of a cannon gay wedding, bob-sleighing gay wedding etc. etc. 

My partner and I had a very conventional wedding in L.A. two years ago with a wonderful reception overlooking the Pacific Ocean - that was back when gay marriage was legal in California. We're still legally married in California, Massachusetts, some other states, most of Europe, Mexico, Nepal, Canada, and a host of other pockets of sanity on the planet.

However, now we've advanced to the point where we are trivializing our relationships with gimmicky weddings, count me in! I think it's time for my partner and I to renew our vows, so I can have my dream wedding. Now promise you won't laugh. My dream has always been to get married in the penguin pool in the Parque Zoológico in Mexico City ... I've never been there, but I assume they have a penguin pool. I've always thought the Parque Zoológico must be the most romantic place in the world because pandas feel comfortable enough to fuck there. It's one of the few zoos outside China where pandas breed. 

Why the penguin pool? Because I am "The Penguin," the DC Comics Supervillain and mortal enemy of that big sissy Batman. I rule the world with my hi-tech umbrella with spinning blades and my powerful torpedo-strength Rectum De-Stabilizer. Wearing a tuxedo, top hat, monocle, salmon-pink bra and panties, cock-ring, and on my back a tattoo of Brad Pitt sliding his lizard-like tongue into my butt-crack, I pit my wits against Batman and his Rent Boy Robin at every turn.

That's why I have to get married in the penguin pool at the Parque Zoológico in Mexico City. This is how I see it. My partner and I, and all the guests, are dressed as penguins standing in the penguin pool. There's only one thing missing for the ketubah, which is where you can help. Does anyone reading this know of a rabbi who doesn't mind dressing as a penguin, standing knee-deep in water and having people throw fish at them? 

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