Arresting Tales

Crime reporting: vibrator-related arrests and crazy southern crime

Sometimes a blog post just practically writes itself.

A few days ago I wrote about a lady from Gurnee who was arrested after allegedly attacking a police officer with a "clear, rigid, feminine pleasure device."  I gently chided the officer involved for not being more specific in his language.

Yesterday's Naperville TribLocal brings another example.  Evidently Naperville PD officers also feel compelled to haul out the euphemisms when confronted with sex toys. 

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When an officer observed 44-year-old Vicki Myers inside a van, nude from the waist up, in a motel parking lot, he investigated:

...Myers, who told police she was staying at the hotel in the 1600 block of Diehl Road in Naperville, initially claimed to be changing in the vehicle. Further investigation found otherwise, as the officer located items described as "adult items that were used for self-pleasuring" inside the car, according to a police report.

Oh, the officer also found a loaded semi-auto pistol, which is what Ms. Myers got arrested for. 

Seriously, though, "adult items that were used for self-pleasuring"!?  I feel bad for Ms. Myers--it's never a good time in your life when you find yourself living in a motel with your kids.  Especially on those occasions when you've got an itch that needs scratching.
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Thanks to sites like The Smoking Gun and news aggregators like Fark and Officer.com, I read a lot of crime reporting from outside the Chicago area.  While Florida has, without a doubt, the best crime reporting in the nation, the rest of the American south is not far behind.  There are certain indicators that let you know you're reading southern crime reporting: references to motorized scooters, strip clubs, and over-the-top religious behavior to name a few. 

When I read the lead to this next story, I knew instantly that it occurred somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon line:

A man and woman are charged with stealing a motorized shopping cart from Wal-Mart and driving it to and from a neighboring strip club early Monday morning.

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According to reports, Billie Jo Stevenson and Jonathan Lee Misner took turns riding the scooter to and from the strip club, while the other walked alongside. 

Alcohol was involved. 

Upon reading the full article I confirmed that the story originated in Wild, Wonderful West Virginia. 

In the mid-1970's Chicagoan Steve Goodman wrote a song for David Allen Coe titled "You Never Even Called Me By My Name".  Goodman claimed it was the perfect country-western song; Coe challenged Goodman that it was not, because it lacked any reference to mama, trains, trucks, prison or getting drunk.  Goodman responded by adding a final verse:

Well, I was drunk the day my ma got out of prison
And I went to pick her up in the rain
But before I could get to the station in my pickup truck
She got runned over by a damned old train
I think David Allen Coe's observation needs updating.  The modern "perfect country-western song" would still contain a reference to getting drunk; it would also need to mention WalMart, motorized scooters, strip clubs, tattoos and maybe the Waffle House.

In the words of the late Phil Harris, "and that's what I like about the South".  Feel free to substitute Phil's list of delicious southern foods with your own rhymes about gunplay, motorized scooters, oxycontin and Bible-thumping.

 

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6 Comments

Moshucat said:

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Well Joe you finally got it in and I'm laughing my butt off. Never mind the WW's this is a lot more fun. Only problem is my work site blocks Chicago Pyrex. By the way I'm retiring in June and moving South to WalMart Arkansas. Is this what I am to become?

Joe the Cop said:

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Interesting that your work filters block the Chicago Pyrex but not the Blue King Pleasure Scepter. I'm not sure what that says about your workplace, really.

As far as your post-retirement move to Arkansas, here's my advice: CONSTANT VIGILANCE. I notice that the wacky stories I find don't usually involve retirees or other people who've moved there--it's always the native sons and daughters, so I think you'll be fine!

irishpirate said:

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Hmmmmmm.

Phil Harris is purdy good. I don't recall hearing of him before, but apparently he had a role in the John Wayne flick "The High and the Mighty". http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0047086/

It's a good film.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phil_Harris

As for the Naperville story I regret the woman had a loaded weapon. I could have lived a long and marginally happy life without ever reading her name. Living in a motel with your kids is bad enough, without being arrested and your name being put in public view.

Joe the Cop said:

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Phil Harris is probably best known to my generation as the voice of Baloo the Bear from Disney's 1967 animated film "The Jungle Book".

I know what you mean about the Naperville story. I almost didn't use her picture, but the loaded gun tipped the balance for me. Also, I kept wondering why she was naked, but only from the waist up? Clearly there was more going on in her head than a simple need for immediate physical relief.

irishpirate said:

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If you are going to refer to Baloo the Bear you should provide a video link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFcoC1FJOhA

I'll say the man did know how to sing. Obviously my knowledge American pop culture is more than somewhat lacking.

irishpirate said:

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This is a new twist on southern crime.

http://gawker.com/5688140/man-eats-his-own-beard-at-knifepoint-over-botched-lawnmower-sale

I have to give points for creativity to the alleged offenders.

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