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So your boyfriend (or girlfriend) still has a profile on an online dating site...

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Jessica Downey

Coffee addict. The serial single girl. Jessica will give you the what’s what on single life and dating in Chicago.

I've mentioned before about all of the other writers that I adore. Well that is why I am really excited to be involved in a fun new project with a large group of them.

Allow me to introduce the folks over at Met Another Frog, Alex of the Urban Dater, Feisty Woman, KB in NYC, Lena, Lucky Girl, Man Shopper, Mike Masters, Miss Melisa Mae, Nikki B, Simone Grant, Miss Taylor Cast, and Jackie Summers, who (along with yours truly) make up the members of The Insomniac Club.

Starting today, once a month, we will take one question and each post our thoughts on the subject. The goal is to open up dialogue and maybe even inspire a good healthy debate. Plus you might even discover another blogger to enjoy.

To keep up with everything just look for the hashtag #InsomniaClub on Twitter.

And now for the first topic:

You've just discovered you partner still has an online dating profile...

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Honestly, there are so many thoughts rolling around in my head about this one. But here is how I see it.

First of all, I think you have to look into how long you have actually been in the exclusive relationship. Second of all, I think you also have to look into the activity on the profile versus the just the existence of the profile itself. Now, I don't mean to imply that I condone any person leaving their profile up on a dating site when they are in an exclusive committed relationship. I am just saying that I think there is a little more to it than that.

If you are a few days/weeks in then I think it's more about activity as opposed to actually having the profile. Honestly, I can't say for sure that I would automatically run out and delete all of my profiles the second I had the exclusive talk with a guy. But I do know that I wouldn't be actively using my profile. So I don't think it would be that big of a deal if the guy I was seeing still had a profile as long as he wasn't actively using it.

If he is logging in to check messages and/or search profiles then that is a totally different story. And I know that some people go with the excuse that they forgot about their profile until they received the email that they had a new message. While I do believe there might be a small chance you didn't really think about your profile, I would think that when you saw a notification of a new message that would trigger something in your brain that you should delete your profile as well. Even if you are curious about what the message says you should still feel the need to delete your profile.

With that said, I think it's an entire different story when you are several weeks or months in. Then I don't think it's acceptable to have a profile regardless of the activity.

I actually have to confess here because for a while I still wanted to argue that it was activity on the profile over having the profile itself. Part of me thought that because years ago I had a profile on Yahoo Personals that I completely forgot about. I had used it quite a bit but then I neglected it when I joined Match.com and some other sites. Then, after a year of neglecting it I randomly received a message from a guy and then I was reminded that my profile was still on there and active.

My situation was totally different because I was still single. I genuinely believe that if I was in a relationship that one day I would have sat down and gone to any site that I have ever had a profile and make sure that it's not longer active. And, as a side note here, I really wonder how common it is when you are an avid online dater to have a profile that you don't really use and totally and completely forget about.

All this made me reconsider my original thought. Honestly unless it's a really new relationship I don't think you should have a profile on a dating site. And I don't think I would be comfortable or happy if I was dating someone and found out he had one. I would delete mine so I really don't think there is anything wrong with wanting the person I am with to delete theirs as well.

To me, it says a whole lot about your respect for the other person and for the relationship you have with them. Actually, if you have a profile I think it says that you aren't really sure about the relationship or that maybe you are keeping your options open for something better to come along.

So, really there is no good excuse for it. You can't even go with the idea that you forgot because that is just way too long to not even think about it. I mean, something had to have triggered a reminder that you need to delete it, especially if we met off of the internet. And honestly, I just believe that there comes a time when you stop and think I met this amazing person that I really care for so I should delete my profile.

In short, I believe having a profile on a dating site equals your boyfriend or girlfriend is up to no good. And maybe he or she isn't trying to cheat but I still say it's no good at all.

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2 Comments

TKM said:

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For me it is primarily the activity level. People forget about where they have accounts, or sites make it too difficult to disable accounts to you just abandon them. Plus what about "dating" sites that allow you to look for new friends too (such as OkC)?

Jessica Downey said:

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I agree, much of it is about activity level. But I still say it's hard to just totally forget that you have a profile on a site. I honestly don't use dating sites to look for new friends. And most of the people that I know who use dating sites to look for friends aren't looking for platonic friends (even the ones that are in relationships). That's not to say everyone does that, but I do wonder how common it is to use a dating site strictly to meet platonic friends.

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